It's been a while...

Okay, so once upon a time I got yet another assessment done, reporting my areas of strengths and weaknesses. I want to post that, but it is taking, for freaking ever to get that report to my house. So in the meantime I thought I should update any of those crazy people who still read this blog on some stuff. First, I am writing from a hotel in Seattle. It is Thanksgiving weekend and we came up to visit my aunt/uncle for Thanksgiving, and we just finished the trip up to Seattle to come and visit my brother, sister-in-law, my niece Lilly, my niece Sarah, and my nephew Gus. :D Secondly, my memory seems to be getting terribly worse. I would love to update you on all sorts of new Tonyaisms, but I can't seem to remember them until the next time I can get to my computer to record them. So I don't remember any. Third, my social life still totally sucks. Even with people who it really, really shouldn't. Fourth, I still hate life in general, specifically because I can't do anything with my life, like school or work. Fifth, I still really, really don't want to hear any of your "constructive" criticisms about how I'm lying to myself and that I really could do all of it and everything. It still won't change a thing, except I might just get more upset. Sixth, I'm working on writing a book. Something very much like an autobiography, but not quite, mostly because I want to kind of give other people with a traumatic brain injury the kind of life they can prepare for. I don't know if anyone who still reads my blog would want to read just a teeny, tiny clip from my book so far, but if you do, just leave a comment. I have changed everyone's names, but if you think that you might be any of the following, leave a comment or text me! There are some important people in my life and they are: Tyler, Alex, Sophia, Samantha, Jake, Nick, William, Scott, Brittany, Brandon, and so, so many more! Text me if you think one of those might be you! I probably could report a whole lot more, but like I said earlier, my memory totally sucks! So if anyone has anything they want me to talk about, feel free to ask me any questions or whatever. (If you can't tell, I'm really wanting some comments! But I am also really totally serious about all of the reasons why you might comment!) Oh and p.s. if anyone wants to see some AWESOME pictures of the inside of my head, let me know! :)

Life

Well I haven’t posted in quite a while, and I’ve been going through a lot lately. I am basically a failure at everything. See, I can’t do anything to help out at home, I cannot go back to school, I can’t do anything at church and I can’t even survive work anymore. And I know what you’re thinking; but that’s the worst part. I am so sick of hearing everyone tell me that I can do a bunch of crap that frankly I just cannot do. And worst of all, I literally/physically cannot do them. One of the doctors that I have had was a great advocate for me in this case. He said that there is something chemically wrong with my brain, which actually does make a lot of these tasks impossible, or next to impossible, and with my lack of drive to do anything (again from my chemically imbalanced brain) therefore impossible. So all in all I’m going through a lot, still without any friend my own age, I don’t see a purpose for anything, and I can’t even help myself. That’s about all that I’m even going to write today though. So take it, and soak it in I guess. :/

Just A Couple Of Funnies......

Okay, so yes, I know that you're expecting some more Tonyaisms here, that's not what I'm going to be putting on here today. Although I do realize there have been quite a few more that you have not heard, I will add those later. Today I just want to tell you about a couple of other funny things that happen in the Blackham household. I got jaw surgery on August 14, 2012, right? yeah, so I have not been able to eat anything except for liquids - but not even through a straw because it hurts so bad to suck. But anyway, so they initially gave us some big thick syringes that we could suck up my food into, and then squirt it into my mouth. Well you see, as time went on, the syringe would get more and more difficult to move. One morning in particular, we were having a really rough time, so I was working as hard as I could to try to get the syringe to move so that I could get some nutrients in me. Okay, so then it FINALLY moved. But, it decided to EXPLODE. What I mean by EXPLODE is that it went everywhere. I was sitting on one side of the kitchen, Tonya on the other, and the food that was in the syringe ended up all over the ceiling across the entire kitchen, so much so that it ended up dripping, on Tonya's head. It was so funny, I cannot write it justice. Second thing that was so funny that happened recently has something to do with strawberry shortcake. I don't remember what I was upset with Tonya about, but I was very upset with her over something. So I yelled "Tonya!" and smacked my hand in her lap. But, she had strawberry shortcake in her lap, so that's where my hand went, and it made the bowl and everything in it go flying way up in the air. There were strawberries everywhere, but my favorite part is yet to come. We just got kitties, right? Yeah well Tonya's kitty, Mazie, is completely black. And the whipping cream from Tonya's bowl, got ALL OVER Mazie. It was so funny and words just cannot do it justice.

19th Birthday.... or 20th..... or 18th twice....

Okay, first I should probably explain the title. So I turned 19 (technically) on Thursday of this week (August 2nd). But I didn't want to turn 19. And here's the reason why. The conversation when you are 19 goes like this: "how old are you?" "19" "Oh! That's so great! When are you getting married?" But then as soon as you say "20" they stop asking you about marriage. I don't know, it's weird. But because I am not even seeing anyone, I didn't want to have to answer the question that always seems to follow when you reply "I'm 19 years old." So I would tell people this a few weeks leading up to my birthday, and I would always just say I'm turning 18 twice. But then, one of my cute little cousins said, "why don't you just say you're turning 20?" And I thought back to my 2 year anniversary when lots of people said happy birthday to me, and thought, this could work. So then I decided that it was my 20th birthday. Eventually, I decided that it doesn't matter, and all the stupid people who ask when I'm getting married when I tell them I'm 19 can just forget it. Anyway! So, let's start with the beginning of the week. I went to church on Sunday, talked to one of my (same-age) home-teachers and told him that I didn't have any plans as far as friends for my birthday. Then Sister Wellman kept talking to my family about going over to their house "tomorrow" (Monday) for family home evening to go swimming at their pool. Right? I just thought those were both two totally separate, and totally normal things. Little did I know, those two were so correlated! You see, thanks to Logan Raban (my same-age home-teacher) and Sister Wellman, when I went to the Wellmans' house for "family home evening" I was literally super surprised. Yes, they had thrown me a surprise party! It was great! It was really, really awesome the different people that they had gotten to come too. They had some people from my ward, like two of my favorite families, my Young Women President, and of course, my so-extremely-loved Bishop and his family. They had also gotten my dear good friend, Trisha Cook, who works with Tonya for my family, and her husband, and Trisha, did the most incredible thing by getting none other than my favorite (yes I did just say favorite!) co-worker, Jefferson Campbell to come as well. Oh my goodness, I was so excited! So I actually had a FUN time this Monday, which is kind of saying a lot, since I don't remember the last time when I could genuinely say I had a fun time. Then, Wednesday after work my family left to go up to San Francisco. We made it to Reno, NV by Wednesday night and spent the night there. In the morning, we went to the Reno Temple. This is so important because one of the goals that I set before I even turned 12 is that I was going to go to a temple each year on my birthday. But not just any temple, a NEW temple, one that I have not ever been to before. So, I've been to all of the nearby Utah temples, so we knew that we would have to travel a little bit, and my Dad's company in San Francisco is moving this weekend, so we thought that we would come down here and help him out and in turn, we'd get to go to a new temple! So we started out my birthday by going to the Reno Temple. Then we drove, and drove, until we got to a Rue21. We had to go into a Rue21 because I had gotten some emails talking about a few big sales that would end this weekend and stuff. So, after spending about 1 1/2 hours, I walked out of the store with $311.88 worth of stuff, but I only paid $132.01 for it! So that much was good. (comment if you know where that comes from!) Then when we got into San Francisco, I was put to work a little bit and stuff, but you know, whatever. Then, yesterday (Friday) we hadn't done a whole awful lot (I wasn't feeling so hot) but we decided to go cruising around the city. Oh my gosh! It was so great! I can honestly say that I was feeling happy! Which is another thing that i honestly don't even know when the last time I can say I truly felt happy. Then today, we went to Chinatown. That was okay fun. But it was cool because I got a wicked-cool sweatshirt from my mommy and daddy! :) Then we went to fisherman's wharf where we ate crab. And lots of it. It was delicious! So all in all, I think that this week has been a pretty good birthday week. There are still a lot of troubling things that weigh heavily on my mind, but overall, I have been able to forget about those troubles a time or two, for the first time in I don't know how long! So one heck of a big thanks to all those who contributed, people like Logan, Sister Wellman, my mom and dad, my bishop, and most importantly a Father in Heaven, who, for the first time since the accident, I actually feel like he might care about me, just a little bit.

Change

Change is my worst enemy. There is only one thing that stays pretty consistent that I do not like. That is sleep; or rather the inconsistency of my sleep. It is now 5:15 AM, and I've already been awake for almost 3 hours. It sucks, and that is pretty regular. As far as I can think of at the moment, that's the only kind of consistency that I'm not so fond of. (wow, I don't know if that made any sense... I've been awake too early for too long!) Well, let's cover our bases. First let's talk about school. School sucks, because frankly, I can't travel across campus all day, and I can't concentrate as much as a single class requires, I can't stand people and I just can't handle college at the time being. Next let's talk about church. I was called as a nursery leader a while back, (not quite a year) and it was great. I LOVE little kids and my co-nursery leader is awesome. But fairly recently they changed her on me, she's now doing something in the Relief Society and they put in some different nursery leaders. Nothing is the same there, but I'm not going to go into that one anymore. Then, let's talk about work. It started off with my co-worker buddies moving around so I barely got to see them anymore. Then my very best work-friend got moved to a different position. Then my supervisor changed, then he went somewhere else so he changed again, then my first supervisor went to a completely different department. And I'm hardly even working at all anymore. Frankly, I don't know what happened. And if you have talked to me at all in the past 2, nearly 2 1/2 years, you'd know that I absolutely cannot stand people changing like crap on me, with absolutely no warning. See, it goes a little something like this. Nearly everyone has just abandoned me, without any explanation. And each time I try to get them to explain to me what I did, they run even further. My best friend is my bishop, and I thought that it had something to do with his calling, but little did I know, it is just because he is an INCREDIBLE guy. Because you see, I've had a few encounters with another bishop, and he is heartless to say the least.

2 Years

So last Saturday officially marked 2 years since I ran straight into a backhoe on a motorcycle. I was trying to decide what to do to celebrate. I thought about doing another open house type of thing, but after my last post about people, hopefully you can understand why I wasn't so psyched about that idea. But this is where I think that Kelli Biegel (a lady that my family does family home evening with) was inspired. You see, she had invited me to go down to St. George with her to go see Brian Regan. (Yep, here's yet another Brian Regan story!) But I felt really uncomfortable going down with Kelli and her boys. So I had come to the conclusion that I wasn't going to go.... until I decided to call Yamari (Brian Regan's super sweet secretary). I called her and told her that I had the opportunity to go down and see Brian, but I was just wondering if I could possibly see him backstage again or something. She was so sweet and said "of course!" Then my neighbor, sweet as could be, offered his St. George house to me and my dad and sister for the weekend so that we could go to Brian Regan's concert. But then we ran into the problem of my dad and sister not having tickets. Well, that was more than taken care of too. My neighbor's boss used to be on the board of the theater that Brian Regan was performing at or something. So we got a few tickets that my neighbor's boss had kept reserved. Guess what row these seats were? 6th ROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were psyched! (mostly me, but my dad was super excited too.) As for before the show however, we got to go around the theater to this little area where Brian was chilling before the show and he was so great! He is SO GENUINE, anyone who was with me the first time we met him will vouch for me, but I LOVE IT, SO MUCH! He is the greatest guy ever! After we left, I remembered something that I had wanted to do with Brian, so I got up by myself and ran back to that room. Long story short, I ended up giving him MY autograph. (I did already get a card signed by him, so I guess that means I already have his!) ;) But, yeah, that does mean I'm gonna be a super famous person, ask Brian Regan. Lol. Then during his show, I decided that I would move to Las Vegas (where Brian Regan lives) and do whatever it takes to make his son marry me. :D How cool would it be to have your father-in-law be Brian Regan?? So that was how I spent my May 12th 2012.

Here's a comment I don't have a place for. So you see, on my new facebook, I put May 12th as my birthday. Because although I can't use that as my birthdate at hospitals and such, it really was the day that I was born as a new person. So it was funny because I had about 7 people (over 10% of that particular facebook friends) write on my facebook wall "Happy Birthday Shannon." And these people were some that I barely know, and others like my brother-in-law and my closest cousin. It was great.

I thought...... But I guess not....

I’ve always had such a big heart and so I’ve always been there 110% for all of my friends. So I thought that they would at least stick around and be there 70% for me. But it turns out the doctors were absolutely right when they said that I wouldn’t have ANY of my former friends within six months after I left the hospital. This false perception that I had of the world, based on how I had always treated others, was life shattering. This is why I say to ONLY promise what you will actually be able to fulfill. Repeated empty promises hurt more than you may ever know. It’s important to me that everyone understands where I’m coming from. I am still in the recovery process, and people often forget that. Although my hair has grown back - I’m walking and I’m talking, I do still have to get additional plates put in my head, I’m not driving on the freeways, I’m not able to rollerblade the way I used to, I still should be getting 10-12 hours of sleep every night and I still can’t even run farther than about 100 feet. But one of the hardest things of life post-traumatic-brain-injury is the social aspect. I obviously can’t explain it all perfectly, but I’m still going to give it a try. I know that almost every one of the following explanations are mostly minor offenses, but when they get compounded on top of each other, it becomes an extremely major offense to me. It goes something like this: When we used to spend hours on end hypnotizing, and figuring out what crazy things we could make each other say, night and day - and I thought that they’d be interested in any of the crazy things that I continue to say. After the accident there was a lot of physical pain. The doctors warned me about it, but I didn’t anticipate how bad it would be. Since I had been there to listen when you were complaining about how badly your wrist, or back, or whatever else hurt, I thought you would’ve been there to listen when I complained about how bad my head hurt. I remembered a few friends who would understand how hard it is to be happy and in pain - but they didn’t understand. One day when I was feeling particularly lonely, I got on facebook for some “social interaction” – only to discover that a lot of my friends were hanging out without me - no calls, no texts. I used to make movies with different people – now they don’t even bother to call me when they get together. I even had a friend who got married and I was never told. I used to get in arguments with someone my entire childhood, but things had finally started to mellow out between the two of us. As soon as I thought we were finally getting along, it turned out that she really didn’t even care about me in the first place. Yep, we weren’t the best of friends as kids, but that’s because we both had very type “A” personalities. In high school though, we learned how to put that aside and we became really good friends. She showed how mature she could be when we got past our differences. But it was disappointing to find out that maturity sometimes has a limit. I thought I had at least a bajillion pretty good friends that would at least had the decency to still speak with me, or at least not speak over me, but apparently they aren’t like that at all…Not even when I was struggling to regain confidence spending time with friends and such because I had to relearn how to speak. I thought I had a lot of real good friends before, but when I came back, they expected me to be all better - and when I wasn’t, they fled. It’s hard enough to live up to your own expectations. And when I had doctors telling me that things were going to be extremely different, and I probably wouldn’t be able to do it, I needed you. And when I needed you to understand that things would be a little different, you proved that my life would become extremely different – but not for the better. When my accident forced you to be a little less naïve about life, and things got scary and hard, you bailed. You’re not the one who had to lie in the hospital bed for nearly two months, realizing the whole time that your life was completely contradictory to all of your once-upon-a-time dreams. It was hard enough when professionals told me that I would no longer be able to accomplish all of my life long dreams, but I tried to prove them wrong. What made it even harder was when all of my best friends (or all that I thought I had left) went and proved them right. Before, I believed that I had the best friend in the world that would be there for me throughout everything, because I had been there for every single bit of her hell. But when it came down to it, she ran away every time I came near, didn’t answer my calls, and didn’t text me back. I know that my accident was a life shattering event for you, and you were scared to death for your best friend, but when I stuck around, why couldn’t you? I understand that often times I would come on too strong, but there are a couple reasons why. First, it’s who I am, it’s my personality, and you loved me before, so why couldn’t you love me now? Second, it’s also part of a brain injury. Many of you actually sat down and talked with my parents about this, so I know that you knew that there was a likely chance that I would likely become annoying and obsessive. I know it’s a lot to expect everyone to be mature about such a huge, hard thing – especially in high school. But something I never expected to have to face is an adult who couldn’t handle it. The universal solution is always this: ask the adults for help. But when the adult (the ones we are supposed to rely on) is the untrustworthy one, where am I supposed to turn? So it’s like this… I had an ADULT friend who loved me and they pretended like they still loved me when really, the only reason they even pretended was so that I would go to their house and clean it for them. I have had a lot of changes and disappointments since the accident. But something that should never change, even after everything - no especially after everything - is the promises that people have made. I had been told that I was loved, but then after a head-on collision with a backhoe, all of the sudden, I was told I was not. I was having a hard time accepting all that I had lost, but before I was even an inch past bald, I was broken hearted. I had a boy who I had been there for when he needed me most, and I believed (and still believe) that I deserve some of the same respect. But after the accident, he blocked every form of communication with me, and even moved so that I had absolutely no way of finding him. I understand that a lot of relationships, particularly those in high school don’t work out and that’s okay, that’s not what the problem is, it’s not that simple. We were best friends before we even dated, and this accident took a lot from me, and I was mentally preparing myself for that; I thought that you were too, because you were warned that things might be different. But I didn’t expect to have to prepare my heart to have love ripped right out of it. People immediately stopped caring about me because I couldn’t do everything that I used to be able to do. I’ve noticed since the accident that people treat me like I’m worth a lot less but that doesn’t mean that I’m completely worthless. I was great friends with someone and I had no idea they were dating another one of my friends. I had been in debate for the last 2 years, where I had proven how freaking good I was. I had made friends with just about the whole team, and I shared things like winning state, multiple overnighters and we basically became like siblings but then they all disappeared and pretended that I had never come into their life. I understand that a lot of them moved on with their lives and went to college a year before me, but I also know some of them are staying at home. They most definitely could have hung out, or at least texted once in a while. I’ll talk more later about people who moved on to college as well. There had been a lot of hard adjustments that I had to go through immediately after the accident, but what hurts the most now are those that continue to happen. When I had a friend whose life I literally saved, they deserted me too. I was there when she absolutely needed me most, but when I needed her, she pretended like she really wanted to hang out. But anytime I’d make plans, she’d bail. Then, she noticed that I created a second facebook and got mad at me when she found out she wasn’t my friend on that facebook. At least she noticed though, because it’s hard when you have to create a new facebook because no one in the old one treats you like anything living, and just about no one even realizes when you deactivate the old facebook. When there were people on the student council - the people who are supposed to be everyone’s friend - and they don’t even pretend like they care. I mean, that’s a whole heck of a lot better than being fake like almost everyone else, but isn’t it worth a try? When I was the drummer, and I met a cute guitar player, the two of us promised to always keep in touch, and one day he just fell off the face of this planet. Yeah, I know, we already started to lose contact. But now, if you asked him if he knew Shannon Blackham, he’d say, “no, who is that?” When I was so excited to see someone who moved away couple years back and they’re coming up to the same college that I was going to, but they didn’t even talk to me. Okay, so I did see him once, but then I would text him a few times and he always said he was busy. I know college can be really busy, but can’t you show a little courtesy by asking me to hang out on the weekends, especially if you’re going to hang out with all of both of our old friends some weekend? I knew that some people were dating before the accident and to this day I still don’t even know when they broke up, I just started seeing him flirt with a bunch of other girls. When I had a group of girlfriends that I would go over and swim at their house all the time and everything. But not a single one of them calls me anymore, or even take my calls for that matter. Yeah, they went on to college, but oh my heavens that most definitely doesn’t excuse them for not hanging out with me EVER. Especially when they were hanging out with all of our old friends all the time (not to mention all summer) with each of them having pools in their backyards! I used to be the star of the show when I was with a group of all boys, and they all at one point or another had a crush on me. But now not a single person remembers I ever even existed. When one of those boys told me that he’d always like me, and now he’s not even my friend on facebook - when that same boy didn’t tell me that he’s moving like 8 states away. I understand that I’m the one who told him that he could move on with his life and forget about me, but I didn’t mean literally forget completely about me. Like, for example when he texted me a few weeks ago and said that we needed to hang out next time he came home and then I see on my oldshannon facebook that he’s moving to Dallas! How am I supposed to have any self confidence when I went from having a billion options to not only no options, but no one (not even girls) who talks to me anymore? I thought that I had defeated all odds, and gone through one of the hardest things. But at my high school graduation, they recognized someone else, who went through a lot, even though I had gone through everything that she went through, and a 1000 things more. And see, I understand that this isn’t really anything to really blame anyone for, but couldn’t there be more than just my family and one other girl there for me when I was bawling my eyes out after the ceremony? I thought that I had finally found some friends after the accident, but then they forgot to tell me that they even had a boyfriend, and I saw that they got engaged on facebook. I waited for them to tell me themselves, but they never did. I understand that they had moved away for college, but they still mention those kinds of things to our other friend who’s still at home! And the excuse that “we all went to college so we’re just too busy,” doesn’t work anymore because I found out that my very bestest friend, and some of my other best friends, come back down to Alpine, and hang out with my other old friends (who wouldn’t even be friends if it weren’t for me), ALL THE TIME. And it’s also the time of year now where everyone is coming home from college. Still, not a SINGLE call. I had an awesome friend who I was going to room with, so I explained the kinds of situations that I needed in order to stay there. I told them sooooo many times, and they still didn’t listen to me, until I had to move out. Then they got all upset with me. I understand that it is hard to understand my situation let alone remember. But I did tell her that doctors told me to do these things and such. I also told her over and over so that she wouldn’t forget. I had friends promise to do something with me and either they blew me off for someone else, or they didn’t even answer my calls or texts. We’re not just talking about one of my friends that I knew in high school, we’re talking about BEST friends who would come over every single day and we would have so much fun together. For a long time, they spent far more time at my house than at their own. I thought that I had finally found someone who will finally stick it out by me through this whole thing (because they did for a little while) and they didn’t. It’s really hard to trust anyone after your heart has been shattered right in front of your face, and every time you put your heart on the line again, there it goes shattering again! The reason why this is such a bigger deal to me than you may understand is because so much changed after my accident. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dealt with plenty of heartbreaks and abandonments before the accident, but that was when I had at least one other person there with me. So you see, the reason why this is such a huge deal to me is because it was abandonment of everyone, all at once. I found a boy who promised to love me forever, and promised to always be at least my best friend - he also blocked all communication with me, and told his whole family to flee anytime I came over. I prayed for him to get past all of his struggles. I used to give my 100% of myself to him at his every wish. Why can’t he pray to get past the anger that he has towards my obsessive behavior - especially when he had been warned (time and time again) that it would come? I emailed his father about why his son treated me so crude, and all he did was confirm that he wished that I was never born. I know, you’re asking how would anyone do that? It’s when I emailed him stating those exact words and I didn’t get any response. I know I’m reading far too much into this. But tell me this, wouldn’t you at least email me back and say that you don’t know what to say, you don’t feel that way, and that you don’t know why I feel that way but that you’re sorry that I do? I know I would. And finally, I do continue to try and go out to meet new friends and I can visually see them losing interest after less than 5 minutes. Now I know, you people would tell me that I’m reading far too much into people. Once again, I have given everyone the benefit of the doubt but it turns out that they proved to me that I really shouldn’t have given them the benefit of any doubt. Like I said, none of these things alone wouldn't really be a very big deal. So maybe this can help you understand why I continue to struggle with this part of my recovery. One of the things that all of this has taught me is what a real difference true friends can make.