Holy heck. It's amazing to me how much of an impact I make on myself. I truly don't do this enough, but I think I may have been born to be an author. When I read old blog posts or old journal entries (specifically Tender Mercy journal entries), not only am I reminded of the spirit I have when I'm not feeling so much like crap, but I also feel invigorated to become a little more like that person. I feel empowered to make a change, something that I so desperately need at a time like this.
But to put things in reference, I should probably explain what I mean by "a time like this." (Even though, I don't really want to; but honestly, I don't really want to do anything.) So, for the last .... I don't even know how long ... multiple weeks.... I have just been super, super depressed. Depressed enough that I will suddenly start bawling - out of nowhere - hysterically. I haven't had real sleep in who knows how long. All things physical seem to magnify because I'm so emotionally broken. I can't make myself do anything, especially the things I know are good for me. I can't relax because the second I try my mind starts going rampant. Heck, I can't even drive anywhere without memories and flashbacks overwhelming me to the point that I have decided that I want to just forget absolutely all unnecessary memories. I don't know why I have been feeling this way. Although I know/remember not feeling this way I don't remember when the last time was that I did not feel this way. There are so many things that I would like to be doing or that I should be doing, but I just can't seem to get myself to do them.
One of those things that I need to be doing is.... fundraising for my humanitarian trip to the Philippines. I was actually thinking of doing something in conjunction with my upcoming birthday. I was thinking about doing something like a water balloon fight (selling water balloons) and selling snow cones. Then I would have a car wash for a few hours, followed by an assortment of dinner dishes to be sold. While over the course of the entire shindig there would be a craft sale, a bake sale, a silent auction and a donation table. My roommate thinks I should do a gofundme page, what say you? Any additional ideas and/or help (i.e. service or item to be auctioned, crafts or baked goods for the craft/bake sale, helping with the car wash) is welcomed.
May decade
May through the years
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Sunday, May 8, 2016
The Semester Comes to An End
Well it's been over a month so I thought I probably ought to provide a quick little update. Thank heavens the semester is FINALLY over. The last month or so has quite honestly killed me. Stressing about finals is awful. But wait a second, let me bring you back into what was going on every single day, all throughout the entire semester. Then you might understand why I've been sleeping so much the past week.
Let's start with Royce. Royce has been my therapist for quite a while now. He is great, but I'm not here to talk about that, I'm simply mentioning that I am doing therapy with Royce, once a week, every week. (Until like 2/3 of the way through the semester, then I dialed it down to every other week). Then we have the fun fact that I decided to get a gym membership and a personal trainer just about a month before the semester started. So I decided to try to go to the gym at 9:00 every morning. A while back Royce got us connected with a more specialized therapist that I see once a week AS WELL AS seeing Royce. His name is Dr. Kent Gregory, he is a neuropsychologist. Either my mom or my dad typically come with me to see him because they learn so much when we see him. (These things are things to which I say "well duh!!") I've always been concerned about my water intake; moving out increased my awareness of what kinds of foods I was eating; and getting a personal trainer helped me get even more overwhelmed with what I was eating and drinking. The trainer encouraged me to eat at 5 specific times throughout the day so I set alarms on my phone to tell me when I needed to eat. Oh, and surrounding cognitiveFX I was instructed on some of the more beneficial dietary needs that I should be eating. I was given some water supplement as well. But we're not talking about cognitiveFX just yet, we'll get there, I promise. First day of the semester, I made a point to make friends. So I went into my acting class and I learned everyone's names. It was actually quite a class. Which meant there are a couple of issues, first I have to pay attention to myself socially, because apparently I haven't known what I'm doing for the last 6 years, and second, I actually have to care about what I look like in front of these people! Crap! No, I am trying to mold myself into actually caring about what I look like all the time (except when I'm at home). Then my physics class: My physics class started out as such a review it was so freaking boring! I felt like I knew everything the professor was teaching and then some. Especially considering I was in a math-oriented Physics course in High School and this course was a "conceptual" Physics course. So it was really annoying/frustrating. And I had homework every night. But then, second half of the course came around and suddenly, it was all brand spanking new material. Then we have Dr. Hatch. Dr. Hatch is seriously one of the smartest men I know. He knows things about the brain that only a neurology doctor can know. But Dr Hatch gives me exercises that he wants me to do up to 8 times a day. (Anyone else feel overwhelmed yet?) I could also go into more detail about Dr Hatch, but not right now. Okay, then my Philosophy class, I was super, super excited for this class because I was excited to sit around in a circle and talk with fellow students about philosophers and how the country has disgraced the constitution and how we come about knowing the things that we know. But no, my Philosophy class was NOTHING like this. Instead, it was a class that I had to attend each week to listen to my professor tell me that I was never going to be anything in this world unless I got a masters degree, or participate in conversations regarding a graduate school, etc. So dang, fetch, oh my heck, what the holy scrud?!? (If anyone can guess that reference you'll get a prize!) I was PISSED. This was the last thing I needed. All that I can even focus on right now educationally is an associates. And yes, I hate that far more than all of you combined, I guarantee it. But that's all that I can do right now, so no, I really don't want to talk about graduate school, and I can't have my own professor telling me that I am going to equate to nothing unless I graduate with a freaking Master's. But I'm handling things pretty well at this point. Until I get my first acting assessment back. WHAT? Apparently I had done the monologue better work shopping in class than I did for the "test." And I got a huge mark because of it. I didn't know what I had done better, or worse or anything really, considering unlike everyone else in the class, it was my FIRST acting experience. I got a B and I was confused. The funny thing was that I felt like I deserved an A in this class a whole lot more than I did in my other classes and I had a B+ so I was upset. It also meant that I was going to work my little butt off until each and every next performance. After my TBI, it is hard for me to not see/talk to/be with my mom or dad for long periods of time. And part way through the semester they left for an Anniversary trip! That added stress. Now it's getting spring time and I should start planting the things I want to grow in my garden for the summer. Later on in the semester was everything that took place in my last blogpost, including my Philosophy conference and cognitiveFX. After that crazy, hectic week I was supposed to do 40 minutes of brain games every day, and brain waves periodically throughout the day. And then we went to see the psychiatrist as well, to look at medications because I am losing motivation (among other things).
Which means that besides all of the stuff that I'm doing every week, or the tests that come and go, every single day I'm supposed to be working on: exercises from Dr. Hatch, brain games, brainwaves, water, nutrition, exercises at the gym, etc. And that is stuff besides school. You add school into it, especially finals, and if you've ever gone through finals, hopefully you'll understand the added stress and pressure.
Oh and I published this without adding that I got an A in all my classes (at least I'm pretty sure - not 100% positive on the acting class yet). On the physics final I even got 59/60. Technically I got a Pass in the Philosophy class (it was a pass/fail class). And I don't know anything regarding my acting class because like I mentioned, my acting teacher doesn't input grades!
So yes, for the last 10 days I have been uber depressed, super tired, sleeping exhaustedly, not doing much of anything (except for my girls party), having no motivation whatsoever and not wanting to get back on top of life. And even better, my 6th year anniversary is on Thursday.
Let's start with Royce. Royce has been my therapist for quite a while now. He is great, but I'm not here to talk about that, I'm simply mentioning that I am doing therapy with Royce, once a week, every week. (Until like 2/3 of the way through the semester, then I dialed it down to every other week). Then we have the fun fact that I decided to get a gym membership and a personal trainer just about a month before the semester started. So I decided to try to go to the gym at 9:00 every morning. A while back Royce got us connected with a more specialized therapist that I see once a week AS WELL AS seeing Royce. His name is Dr. Kent Gregory, he is a neuropsychologist. Either my mom or my dad typically come with me to see him because they learn so much when we see him. (These things are things to which I say "well duh!!") I've always been concerned about my water intake; moving out increased my awareness of what kinds of foods I was eating; and getting a personal trainer helped me get even more overwhelmed with what I was eating and drinking. The trainer encouraged me to eat at 5 specific times throughout the day so I set alarms on my phone to tell me when I needed to eat. Oh, and surrounding cognitiveFX I was instructed on some of the more beneficial dietary needs that I should be eating. I was given some water supplement as well. But we're not talking about cognitiveFX just yet, we'll get there, I promise. First day of the semester, I made a point to make friends. So I went into my acting class and I learned everyone's names. It was actually quite a class. Which meant there are a couple of issues, first I have to pay attention to myself socially, because apparently I haven't known what I'm doing for the last 6 years, and second, I actually have to care about what I look like in front of these people! Crap! No, I am trying to mold myself into actually caring about what I look like all the time (except when I'm at home). Then my physics class: My physics class started out as such a review it was so freaking boring! I felt like I knew everything the professor was teaching and then some. Especially considering I was in a math-oriented Physics course in High School and this course was a "conceptual" Physics course. So it was really annoying/frustrating. And I had homework every night. But then, second half of the course came around and suddenly, it was all brand spanking new material. Then we have Dr. Hatch. Dr. Hatch is seriously one of the smartest men I know. He knows things about the brain that only a neurology doctor can know. But Dr Hatch gives me exercises that he wants me to do up to 8 times a day. (Anyone else feel overwhelmed yet?) I could also go into more detail about Dr Hatch, but not right now. Okay, then my Philosophy class, I was super, super excited for this class because I was excited to sit around in a circle and talk with fellow students about philosophers and how the country has disgraced the constitution and how we come about knowing the things that we know. But no, my Philosophy class was NOTHING like this. Instead, it was a class that I had to attend each week to listen to my professor tell me that I was never going to be anything in this world unless I got a masters degree, or participate in conversations regarding a graduate school, etc. So dang, fetch, oh my heck, what the holy scrud?!? (If anyone can guess that reference you'll get a prize!) I was PISSED. This was the last thing I needed. All that I can even focus on right now educationally is an associates. And yes, I hate that far more than all of you combined, I guarantee it. But that's all that I can do right now, so no, I really don't want to talk about graduate school, and I can't have my own professor telling me that I am going to equate to nothing unless I graduate with a freaking Master's. But I'm handling things pretty well at this point. Until I get my first acting assessment back. WHAT? Apparently I had done the monologue better work shopping in class than I did for the "test." And I got a huge mark because of it. I didn't know what I had done better, or worse or anything really, considering unlike everyone else in the class, it was my FIRST acting experience. I got a B and I was confused. The funny thing was that I felt like I deserved an A in this class a whole lot more than I did in my other classes and I had a B+ so I was upset. It also meant that I was going to work my little butt off until each and every next performance. After my TBI, it is hard for me to not see/talk to/be with my mom or dad for long periods of time. And part way through the semester they left for an Anniversary trip! That added stress. Now it's getting spring time and I should start planting the things I want to grow in my garden for the summer. Later on in the semester was everything that took place in my last blogpost, including my Philosophy conference and cognitiveFX. After that crazy, hectic week I was supposed to do 40 minutes of brain games every day, and brain waves periodically throughout the day. And then we went to see the psychiatrist as well, to look at medications because I am losing motivation (among other things).
Which means that besides all of the stuff that I'm doing every week, or the tests that come and go, every single day I'm supposed to be working on: exercises from Dr. Hatch, brain games, brainwaves, water, nutrition, exercises at the gym, etc. And that is stuff besides school. You add school into it, especially finals, and if you've ever gone through finals, hopefully you'll understand the added stress and pressure.
Oh and I published this without adding that I got an A in all my classes (at least I'm pretty sure - not 100% positive on the acting class yet). On the physics final I even got 59/60. Technically I got a Pass in the Philosophy class (it was a pass/fail class). And I don't know anything regarding my acting class because like I mentioned, my acting teacher doesn't input grades!
So yes, for the last 10 days I have been uber depressed, super tired, sleeping exhaustedly, not doing much of anything (except for my girls party), having no motivation whatsoever and not wanting to get back on top of life. And even better, my 6th year anniversary is on Thursday.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
What a Week!
I started off the week nervous out of my wits. Honestly, it was completely warranted and completely justified. I went into CognitiveFX on Monday morning at 9:00 AM. They had a whole day scheduled for me consisting of Occupational Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, Neuromuscular Therapy (much of it is physical therapy), Dynavision, Brainwaves, and Brain Games (don't worry, they aren't fun) back to back to back. So I went from one, to the next, to the next, etc. Honestly, I didn't feel like it was doing anything. I just felt stressed, fatigued, frustrated, sad, tired, etc. There were a few times I just stopped doing whatever I should have been doing and started to cry. It was HARD. They aren't kidding when they tell you it's going to be like boot camp. It's crazy because it's nothing like physical boot camp, but it is a mental boot camp like nothing you've ever seen. Even better, is that I have a great big Physics test tomorrow that I feel like I know nothing about, so nearly every day after I'd come home, I'd go upstairs and study Physics. It didn't always last for very long before my brain would just turn off though.
Not too long after we got back from visiting with Dr. Fong, we headed to Salt Lake to see Brian Regan. About 30 minutes before the show, I took my friends Kestley and Logan backstage with me. When we first saw Brian he just said, "Hi, Shannon!" -- 'cause we're friends. Just that first moment made me feel great. Then, I started talking to him about how I felt uncomfortable asking to see him backstage AGAIN when I got the email back from his agent. He was so stinking sweet! He told me not to think that way again, because even if everyone in his life changes, and emails sound mean and everything I am always welcome in his family. I loved that he used the word family instead of just his life! His 2 kids were there on Friday and I got to say hi to them again. And I love that he used the word family because if you know me at all, you know that I LOVE kids, I LOVE families. One of my favorite moments was when he told me that I'm always welcome and he hugged me - and we got a picture of it!!! The concert was great, he was funny, the opening act was funny, and I still love Brian, just maybe a little bit more! :)
Oh, and Austin Collie works at CognitiveFX. He was a big-time BYU football player, he went on to the NFL where he played for the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots. So, I had him sign my football and we played catch.
By the time Friday came, I was anxious to get the results of the second fMRI. So I put on some scrubs, and went to the MRI room. The difference between an MRI and an fMRI is that an MRI they just take imaging of your brain. An fMRI on the other hand, they give you tasks to perform and while doing these tasks, they take images of your brain and see what is firing, how much it is firing, what is not working properly, and how everything is in sync. The fMRI has a scale of 0 to 6. 6 means that you are comatose and your brain is not working. A 0 means that your brain is as sharp as a tack, has not been injured, etc. The first fMRI I had was in December. Given my injury, the doctors thought I was going to be in the 4-5 range. I scored at a 2.32. After 3 1/2 months of hard, intensive work and various therapies including my CognitiveFX, my score dropped to 1.44. We talked to Dr. Fong for an hour longer than we were scheduled. She told me that she did that because she wants me to know that she cares about me.
Not too long after we got back from visiting with Dr. Fong, we headed to Salt Lake to see Brian Regan. About 30 minutes before the show, I took my friends Kestley and Logan backstage with me. When we first saw Brian he just said, "Hi, Shannon!" -- 'cause we're friends. Just that first moment made me feel great. Then, I started talking to him about how I felt uncomfortable asking to see him backstage AGAIN when I got the email back from his agent. He was so stinking sweet! He told me not to think that way again, because even if everyone in his life changes, and emails sound mean and everything I am always welcome in his family. I loved that he used the word family instead of just his life! His 2 kids were there on Friday and I got to say hi to them again. And I love that he used the word family because if you know me at all, you know that I LOVE kids, I LOVE families. One of my favorite moments was when he told me that I'm always welcome and he hugged me - and we got a picture of it!!! The concert was great, he was funny, the opening act was funny, and I still love Brian, just maybe a little bit more! :)
I believe that the final accumulation of the healing from the week happened on Sunday. Sunday was the Provo City Center Temple Dedication. What made the temple dedication so powerful is all of the inspirations that I felt during the session. It started out when Elder Ringwood talked about the holy, magnificent temple that came from a beautiful, spiritual tabernacle. Before 2010, the tabernacle was a wonderful building, a building that was closer to heaven than 99% of the buildings on the Earth. Before 2010, I was a fabulous, kind and spiritual person. I've gotten so sick of people telling me to stop praising who I used to be, because I was a tabernacle! In 2010 a fire came and destroyed the tabernacle to the ground, to the point it was almost completely demolished. An architect noticed the foundations of the building and told a church member, "you cannot let the church destroy this building!" In 2010 I was destroyed to almost nothing, I could have gone home. But no, I think I might have said to my Father, "you can't let this accident destroy my life!" Now, the once tabernacle is a perfect building; a building more beautiful and magnificent than any other building (besides other temples of course). The once tabernacle is now the very closest thing we have to God's kingdom on this Earth. Likewise, I chose to stay so that I can become a chosen, divine, magnificent daughter of my Heavenly Father. Granted, it will take a LOT of construction time, so in this way I am not so much like the Provo City Temple, but rather like the Nauvoo temple, which was also burned to the ground. I have always LOVED the Nauvoo temple, but never understood why, until Sunday. Elder Clayton said that faith + patience = a masterpiece. He continued to say that it's more than just faith and patience, but it also requires work and planning. With these things, using the Savior's atonement, I can become a great masterpiece. I can become His Masterpiece. What greater honor to have than to be one of His own?
It is going to take more time, a lot more time, but I continue to get better everyday. I'm starting to be able to feel it. It is a great feeling. I am more comfortable in my own skin, something you cannot even begin to fathom. I am relaxing a little bit easier. I am at peace with life, with happy moments and with turmoils. I am not 100%. I never will be, heck no one ever will be, not until the Savior comes again. But I am slowly coming back. Slowly, but surely. :) It has been a hard, long week, but it has been a good week. A monumental and important week. I am so very, very blessed.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
The Key to Locke, once again
Wednesday was a big day for me this week. It took it out of me a lot more than I anticipated. There was a philosophy conference being hosted at my university. My teacher told us to submit a paper, any paper, to be considered. I love public speaking and I want to get my name out there (not in philosophy, but in the world) because I want to someday be a public speaker advocating Christ's existence, love, and atonement. I have the most AMAZING paper that I wrote - on John Locke - my junior year of high school. So I figured, what do I have to lose? They'll say no? They'll say it sounds like you wrote this in high school? Well I did, so...
I submitted the paper. Then I got accepted. Honestly, I was super surprised. I was speaking with other students who were philosophy majors - who wrote their paper in college! Lol. As the conference got closer however, I came to the realization that I did not know John Locke like I did when I wrote the paper. Not only had it been 6 years since I wrote the thing, but that was also before my accident. I lost SO much knowledge in my accident. So I felt screwed.
But what I did to prepare was this: First, I read my genius paper a few more times. Then I googled him and read all sorts of articles on Locke. I was still scared as crap though because I knew that I was going to go into a conference where there would be a Q&A session, with a whole bunch of philosophical people who knows a whole heck of a lot more than I do.
The day of the conference came. I got dressed up, at least kind of... I read more about Locke and my mommy and daddy came and picked me up. Then we went to the school together. We went up to the room where the conference was being held and I was sad because they didn't have a name tag for the speakers. :( My hour came and I went up to the front of the room to get ready to speak. A guy spoke before me and then I spoke. I practically read my paper, with a few breaks in between to say something that I learned while reading up on him.
Afterwards was Q&A and I was asked some of the most ridiculous questions. Questions I didn't even understand, so I didn't know how I was supposed to answer them. But, in the end, I had professors come up afterward and tell me that I did a good job on my speech and a good job handling the questions. Mom and dad also told me that I did a fabulous job. I don't know how I feel about how I did, but whatever.
.
I submitted the paper. Then I got accepted. Honestly, I was super surprised. I was speaking with other students who were philosophy majors - who wrote their paper in college! Lol. As the conference got closer however, I came to the realization that I did not know John Locke like I did when I wrote the paper. Not only had it been 6 years since I wrote the thing, but that was also before my accident. I lost SO much knowledge in my accident. So I felt screwed.
But what I did to prepare was this: First, I read my genius paper a few more times. Then I googled him and read all sorts of articles on Locke. I was still scared as crap though because I knew that I was going to go into a conference where there would be a Q&A session, with a whole bunch of philosophical people who knows a whole heck of a lot more than I do.
The day of the conference came. I got dressed up, at least kind of... I read more about Locke and my mommy and daddy came and picked me up. Then we went to the school together. We went up to the room where the conference was being held and I was sad because they didn't have a name tag for the speakers. :( My hour came and I went up to the front of the room to get ready to speak. A guy spoke before me and then I spoke. I practically read my paper, with a few breaks in between to say something that I learned while reading up on him.
Afterwards was Q&A and I was asked some of the most ridiculous questions. Questions I didn't even understand, so I didn't know how I was supposed to answer them. But, in the end, I had professors come up afterward and tell me that I did a good job on my speech and a good job handling the questions. Mom and dad also told me that I did a fabulous job. I don't know how I feel about how I did, but whatever.
.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Be Happy!
Today is a weird day for me. I've been trying to follow my own advice; tell yourself to be happy. I found a passage in an old journal that talks about how if you wake up in the morning and decide that you are going to be happy, you will be. Despite the things that happen to/around you. Despite the misery that besets your world. Despite all of these things, if you wake up, tell yourself you are going to be happy, and ask God to help you do that, you can be happy. So I've been trying to take my own advice.
I've noticed that when you tell yourself to be happy, you have a much more kind, loving spirit about you. I will let pedestrians and other drivers go when I don't need to. I will give more compliments to people - even strangers. I find more good in life. I am a much happier person. One of the challenges I've set for myself and I'm going to encourage any of you to accept this challenge as well, is when I see someone, I look them in the eye and I smile at them. And not just the awkward 'I don't have anything to say' smile, but a real, genuine smile. I don't know if it does any good for anyone else, but it reminds me that I am trying to be a happier, more positive individual. (Say Love Hilary Weeks, More Than Enough Cherie Call) It reminds me that I am blessed and it's a good day to have a good day. (It's a Good Day by Hilary Weeks) The song that helps me the most to have this attitude before I walk into school is See the Light by Jericho Road.
I'm trying to be a light; an example of the believers. I don't very often do a very good job, but I figure that if I bring yet one soul unto Christ.... D&C 18:16 - "...if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!" This is my mission. It has been since (at least) the accident. I didn't always know this, but I testify that God has a plan for each and every one of His children. We may not be able to see it, but it's there, I promise. Look for His hand in your life every day and I promise you, you will find it. He loves you, but what an understatement of His feelings for us, for you specifically!
Remember to be grateful for His presence. As you express your gratitude, He spills more blessings upon you. However, I will not deny those of you who are struggling. I am a testament that you may not feel Him, you may not feel His blessings, you may not think He cares about you, but what you need to do is this: forget about your timing, it sucks, but the Lord has perfect timing, things will come to pass in His time. And His blessings aren't always the way you would like them to be. (Don't you dare for a second think that things have even begun to shape out the way that I want them to. Nor should you think that I'm receiving blessings like crazy.) Just look at every day and express gratitude for whatever you can. I still can't say that I'm grateful to be alive, I'm not grateful for the air I breathe. But I am eternally grateful for the parents I have. There are so many things I have to be grateful for.
Like many things I write, I don't know if this is even worthwhile. But I hope that maybe what I've expressed will touch someone out there, and they will learn that true happiness comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ. If nothing else, I hope that I can touch one person's soul and remind them that the Almighty God cares about them. I don't know who all will read this post, but I can hope that maybe I can help someone struggling.
I've noticed that when you tell yourself to be happy, you have a much more kind, loving spirit about you. I will let pedestrians and other drivers go when I don't need to. I will give more compliments to people - even strangers. I find more good in life. I am a much happier person. One of the challenges I've set for myself and I'm going to encourage any of you to accept this challenge as well, is when I see someone, I look them in the eye and I smile at them. And not just the awkward 'I don't have anything to say' smile, but a real, genuine smile. I don't know if it does any good for anyone else, but it reminds me that I am trying to be a happier, more positive individual. (Say Love Hilary Weeks, More Than Enough Cherie Call) It reminds me that I am blessed and it's a good day to have a good day. (It's a Good Day by Hilary Weeks) The song that helps me the most to have this attitude before I walk into school is See the Light by Jericho Road.
I'm trying to be a light; an example of the believers. I don't very often do a very good job, but I figure that if I bring yet one soul unto Christ.... D&C 18:16 - "...if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!" This is my mission. It has been since (at least) the accident. I didn't always know this, but I testify that God has a plan for each and every one of His children. We may not be able to see it, but it's there, I promise. Look for His hand in your life every day and I promise you, you will find it. He loves you, but what an understatement of His feelings for us, for you specifically!
Remember to be grateful for His presence. As you express your gratitude, He spills more blessings upon you. However, I will not deny those of you who are struggling. I am a testament that you may not feel Him, you may not feel His blessings, you may not think He cares about you, but what you need to do is this: forget about your timing, it sucks, but the Lord has perfect timing, things will come to pass in His time. And His blessings aren't always the way you would like them to be. (Don't you dare for a second think that things have even begun to shape out the way that I want them to. Nor should you think that I'm receiving blessings like crazy.) Just look at every day and express gratitude for whatever you can. I still can't say that I'm grateful to be alive, I'm not grateful for the air I breathe. But I am eternally grateful for the parents I have. There are so many things I have to be grateful for.
Like many things I write, I don't know if this is even worthwhile. But I hope that maybe what I've expressed will touch someone out there, and they will learn that true happiness comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ. If nothing else, I hope that I can touch one person's soul and remind them that the Almighty God cares about them. I don't know who all will read this post, but I can hope that maybe I can help someone struggling.
Monday, February 1, 2016
One Hard Month
Well this month has been a super hard one. Besides the usual low motivation, questioning whether I make a difference, struggle to do anything, etc... there have also been so many changes that my brain cannot take anymore. Change is difficult for any homosapien. That difficulty is multiplied and magnified a zillion times over if you have a traumatic brain injury. I started school again. Biggest mistake, I don't care what anyone says, it's still a mistake. I got a new roommate, who does everything to irritate me. I'm still trying to go to the gym every day. I'm trying to keep up on exercises that Dr. Hatch has given me, and everyone gets super upset with me when I fail to do so. But that which might give me the worst problems, the most headaches, and the greatest lag throughout the day is my awful nightmares.
The worst part is that my "nightmares" are not nightmares in anyone else's book. But to me, they are so painful, so devastating, that it makes it hard for me to move forward. These dreams are typically some sort of group of some of my old friends. We are having fun, everyone loves each other, specifically me, and life is good. Life is beautiful. Things have not changed even though I have a TBI. I am still accepted and loved. When I wake up, even for just a quarter of a second, I'm awakened to the fact that my life will never be that way. None of my old friends even want anything to do with me. I'm alone as ever and I always will be. I know, it's not making sense. I'm trying. Even when the dreams are like this, I still find myself waking up with my jaw clenched super tight. It's like my subconscious wants things to go back that way so bad but it also knows that it will never happen. So I wake up with an excruciating headache, super depressed and I have to get up to go to school. Then when I get up, the apartment will smell funny, or I'll walk into the kitchen and there won't be any space to put anything. My apartment is filthy all the time now and it makes my brain feel filthy. But I can't sort through anything when I'm feeling like this.
I swear, I have a constant headache - a TBI headache, it's not your average headache, it's SOOO much worse - I'm constantly in a state of extremely painful nostalgia, my life is a constant disaster, no one understands, very few even try, and I don't have any thing to do with my godforsaken life.
The worst part is that my "nightmares" are not nightmares in anyone else's book. But to me, they are so painful, so devastating, that it makes it hard for me to move forward. These dreams are typically some sort of group of some of my old friends. We are having fun, everyone loves each other, specifically me, and life is good. Life is beautiful. Things have not changed even though I have a TBI. I am still accepted and loved. When I wake up, even for just a quarter of a second, I'm awakened to the fact that my life will never be that way. None of my old friends even want anything to do with me. I'm alone as ever and I always will be. I know, it's not making sense. I'm trying. Even when the dreams are like this, I still find myself waking up with my jaw clenched super tight. It's like my subconscious wants things to go back that way so bad but it also knows that it will never happen. So I wake up with an excruciating headache, super depressed and I have to get up to go to school. Then when I get up, the apartment will smell funny, or I'll walk into the kitchen and there won't be any space to put anything. My apartment is filthy all the time now and it makes my brain feel filthy. But I can't sort through anything when I'm feeling like this.
I swear, I have a constant headache - a TBI headache, it's not your average headache, it's SOOO much worse - I'm constantly in a state of extremely painful nostalgia, my life is a constant disaster, no one understands, very few even try, and I don't have any thing to do with my godforsaken life.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
New Doctors
Oh good gracious, it feels like a LONG time since I've written. But, over the last few weeks I have been running myself dry every single day. Much of this has to do with new doctors and a personal trainer that have just been introduced into my life. I will admit however, that it is totally my fault that I am exhausting myself to the point of no return. At least that's what it feels like - when you wake up in the morning and you don't even want to get out of bed, to do anything. I can't even get up to brush my teeth, or say prayers, or thank Heavenly Father for everything He has done for me. I can't even get up to get a drink of water. But all of this exhaustion is from great, tremendous efforts however.
Doctor numero uno - Dr. Hatch. He is incredible! I think that he is one of the smartest men out there. I will tell him a problem I've been having and he will tell me that it's a malfunction of this one particular neruopathway. "So, let's fix it!" he'll say. He also knows how to find out the emotions that are hard wired in your subconscious. So he is having me do 5 different exercises 4-8 times a day. That is the first thing that's wearing me out.
Personal Trainer - Wow. Can we talk about muscle imbalances??? Actually I later mentioned it to Dr. Hatch and he put the pieces together for me that when I was hit by the backhoe, it sent my brain propelling backwards, so now I find my center of balance leaning way back. (We also did tests and stuff and it was really kind of funny). So that's why all of my muscles in the front of my body are overcompensating for the muscles in the back of my body. My body knows that I need to be perpendicular with the floor, but my brain thinks otherwise. So my muscles have been trying to overcompensate for 5 1/2 years! But anyway, so with ALL of these muscle imbalances, I've been given like 18 different exercises to do to strengthen these muscles. And I also need to do cardio (so that I can see my 6-pack). Furthermore, Dr. Hatch also told me that I should be doing one of his exercises after I do the strength exercises so that my body will not still feel like it needs to be falling backwards. It exhausts me just to write about it!
Last new doctor - Dr, Fong. Oh my goodness. She treats mild concussions and severe TBIs both. But she told us that she had never been quite as shocked as she was when she looked at my scores. We started her treatment regime by doing an fMRI (functional MRI). For someone with an injury as severe as mine, with a glascow coma score of 3, someone who lived solely by the grace of Jesus Christ, my scores from the fMRI were outstanding. It provided me with assurance that every stupid little thing that we have done over the last 5 years 7 months and 1 day has been doing something good. We have been supporting my little brain in every possible way for the last 5 1/2 years. There is not a single thing that we have done that hasn't made some kind of impact. There isn't a single thing that I have done that hasn't made me so much better than I would have been. I should have been on the extremely dysfunctional results of the fMRI, but I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle - severely - in specific areas (like social, go figure), but because of all of the HARD, excruciatingly difficult work that I have done. I am NOT where I am expected, where I should be. Dr. Fong has a completely different spin on making changes, and "fixing" the TBI. I will have to go through a week long "therapy on steroids" (therapy meaning like PT, OT, Speech, not like let's listen to your feelings). And I'll be doing this right in the middle of school. So I'm excited, but also scared. If I'm barely holding on now, I don't know how I'll be able to manage that. But it will be worth it.
Doctor numero uno - Dr. Hatch. He is incredible! I think that he is one of the smartest men out there. I will tell him a problem I've been having and he will tell me that it's a malfunction of this one particular neruopathway. "So, let's fix it!" he'll say. He also knows how to find out the emotions that are hard wired in your subconscious. So he is having me do 5 different exercises 4-8 times a day. That is the first thing that's wearing me out.
Personal Trainer - Wow. Can we talk about muscle imbalances??? Actually I later mentioned it to Dr. Hatch and he put the pieces together for me that when I was hit by the backhoe, it sent my brain propelling backwards, so now I find my center of balance leaning way back. (We also did tests and stuff and it was really kind of funny). So that's why all of my muscles in the front of my body are overcompensating for the muscles in the back of my body. My body knows that I need to be perpendicular with the floor, but my brain thinks otherwise. So my muscles have been trying to overcompensate for 5 1/2 years! But anyway, so with ALL of these muscle imbalances, I've been given like 18 different exercises to do to strengthen these muscles. And I also need to do cardio (so that I can see my 6-pack). Furthermore, Dr. Hatch also told me that I should be doing one of his exercises after I do the strength exercises so that my body will not still feel like it needs to be falling backwards. It exhausts me just to write about it!
Last new doctor - Dr, Fong. Oh my goodness. She treats mild concussions and severe TBIs both. But she told us that she had never been quite as shocked as she was when she looked at my scores. We started her treatment regime by doing an fMRI (functional MRI). For someone with an injury as severe as mine, with a glascow coma score of 3, someone who lived solely by the grace of Jesus Christ, my scores from the fMRI were outstanding. It provided me with assurance that every stupid little thing that we have done over the last 5 years 7 months and 1 day has been doing something good. We have been supporting my little brain in every possible way for the last 5 1/2 years. There is not a single thing that we have done that hasn't made some kind of impact. There isn't a single thing that I have done that hasn't made me so much better than I would have been. I should have been on the extremely dysfunctional results of the fMRI, but I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle - severely - in specific areas (like social, go figure), but because of all of the HARD, excruciatingly difficult work that I have done. I am NOT where I am expected, where I should be. Dr. Fong has a completely different spin on making changes, and "fixing" the TBI. I will have to go through a week long "therapy on steroids" (therapy meaning like PT, OT, Speech, not like let's listen to your feelings). And I'll be doing this right in the middle of school. So I'm excited, but also scared. If I'm barely holding on now, I don't know how I'll be able to manage that. But it will be worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)