No Longer the Victim

A lot has been turning in the little head of mine. About 2 weeks ago, I read through my old journal and it got me thinking about this pain I've been feeling for the last 4 years.

     Because of the situation I was thrown into right after my accident, I was unable to do a lot of things that I expected myself to do. I expected myself to be the life of the party, I expected myself to be the same good listening ear that I had become for dozens of people. But that was all inside; on the outside, I was dealing with so much pain, so much frustration, so much loss that my traumatically-injured-brain couldn't listen to anyone else. I literally was unable to be the person I was before, but I couldn't see it. From my single-eyed, and injured view, I thought I was the exact same person but that all my friends were treating me differently. So I got angry. (Or so I assume, I can't actually remember any of this.) I'm not trying to blame the TBI (traumatic brain injury) for everything that I did, but I'm hoping that through the explanation of it, maybe you'll be able to understand. After the TBI, I wasn't aware of how angry or how just straight up mean I was to people - quite frankly, I'm still not. Especially as friends started to fade away, I got feisty. I have been left alone for many important events in my life; I thought that it was all your fault. This was absolutely wrong. For this, to everyone who associated with me after the accident - anytime really, even now (but we'll get to more of it later) - I am sorry. I could not see what kind of person I was, no matter how many times my mom told me, not until now. I wasn't able to understand why you were being pushed out of my life. Now that I have a much clearer view, I am sorry, and I beg for your forgiveness.

     To all of the friends I tried to make after the accident, I tried my very hardest not to, but I still had expectations for what a friend should be. The worst part about this was that I desperately needed and expected a friend based on what I had known in the past. For a couple of reasons; first, because I didn't get to triumph out of high school like everyone else, or even just leave with all of your friends to say "see you around." Because of what I have been through, I didn't get that. I also expected a friend to be the kind of friend that I was - which is extremely rare. I had always been the kind of person that would sit and listen, that would psych you up if that's what you needed, I was the kind of friend that everyone desires. Because I had been that person, I had a skewed perception of the world; I thought all people thought that way. Oh how I was so wrong! Especially between high-school and young adult ages. Before my accident, I never talked to anyone else about MY problems, MY issues, but somehow afterwards, I thought that other people would treat me the way I had treated others. As all of my friends and I drifted apart, I couldn't figure out why you never messaged me, or reached out to me or anything, especially if I was doing that to you. I have not yet experienced the difference between co-worker/college relationships and high school relationships. For all of that, I am so sorry.

     Coming to this realization, learning that what used to make me whole was helping others, listening to their issues and helping them through it, and seeing how it was done before, I'm on my way to returning to that kind of a person. I'm not saying that it will happen overnight and that it won't take time, because I know it will. But I'm asking you, whoever you are, and anyone I have yet to meet, to be patient. I am trying my best to stop trying to interject myself into things that you tell me about, if you'll tell me about anything anymore. I AM NOT BLAMING YOU, I know it sounds like I am. If you can trust me, then trust that I am only trying to come to terms with my own terrible behavior. I want to become more like the person I was before. I want to have that selfless attitude in all of my actions with my fellow men. I am trying to do this. However, because of the TBI things get overwhelming and I get maxed out much, much easier. So I will tell you right now that during times when there are a lot of stressors in my life, I will not, because I cannot be so great at forgetting about myself. So please, accept this apology, and give me another chance, you know I would.

     There are some things that were not taken from me in the accident. One of those things is my true endearing love for each one of you. I will not be the victim in my own destiny. Yes, I went through a horrible tragedy; yes, it shattered my whole world. It shattered my world because it took away skills, abilities, and understandings. But quite frankly, I'm tired of being angry and depressed. I love you too much to hate you and want you out of my life for good. I don't remember a whole lot of what has happened, regardless of how aware or "with-it" I seemed. So please forgive me for everything I have ever done. Please give me another chance to be the amazing friend you know that I can be. 

Depressing 21st Birthday

I need to say first and foremost that this post is NOT written to any of my family. I actually was writing songs on the guitar and started a different train of thought, which turned into a letter to all of my peers.
     When you turned 16, I told you to go out and live like a 16-year-old should live. I told you to stop worrying about me (still being 15) and feel free to date and drive and do all the fun things a sophomore in high school should do.
     When you won state or defeated a ruthless opponent, I cheered. I lifted you up and helped you feel like you were on top of the world.
     When you turned 18, I snuck balloons throughout your yard, with your positive traits inside each. I encouraged you to live life as a new adult.
    When you entered your senior year of high school, I told you I'd always be there, even though I would be living on a University campus. I told you I'd show you the ropes when you came walking through college. I was there for all of your big moments.
     I convinced you that this life was worth it, no matter how bad it got. I stopped you from doing things you would have regretted. I prevented you from taking your own life.
    When your parents got divorced, I stood by you through every step of the way. I hung out with you all day, every single day.
     When you had to get surgery done, or wear a brace, I was there to listen.
     When you had your heart broken by some boy or girl, I took you out to lunch, I reminded you how special you are.
     When I noticed you were alone, I introduced you to loads of my friends and you became an instant hit. I was there for all of your heartaches.
     In my biggest tragedy, pain, heartache, you LEFT me. For my 21st birthday, I won't have anyone pulling me on, I won't have anyone telling me all of the things I can or should do now. Because of my big heart, I get no love in return. Because of the way I loved you, I have to do this all alone. So Happy 21st Shannon. Go party... oh wait, nevermind, go hang out with.... nevermind, go... continue on, in more surgeries or whatever.

The Other Reason to be Excited for Surgery

     Have you ever though that just sitting, thinking could be your worst nightmare? Better yet, what about just doing nothing? Well, it sure is mine. After a traumatic brain injury, your mind never stops, so you can't sit and just "do nothing" anymore, you are constantly thinking. But even better, your brain also gets stuck in a very negative mindset - one that is near impossible to breakthrough.
     I honestly don't know anything that goes on with any of my old friends anymore. I went to an old friend's homecoming last week and saw a bunch of my old friends there. They were talking about this person or that who had gotten home from their mission, who were across the country with their newlywed, about old girl-friends who were expecting, etc. All of these things I have absolutely not a clue. It is terrible. I worked so stinking hard for so long to earn a solid place in their hearts, to consider myself their friend for life. All to discover that I could be replaced or not even missed.
     I thought that moving into my own apartment would be a good opportunity to get to know peers and meet some new friends, but it turned out to have the opposite effect. I don't mean to be so pessimistic all the time, I really don't.

Window of Desperation

The saying that says something along the lines of 'eyes are the window to the soul' is so true. I can quite honestly see the emotions behind someone's facade. Today I especially noticed the pain in my eyes as the rest of me looked fun, cute, and bubbly. This caused me to question how long I have been able to do this, because today, it was like an elephant in the room. So I looked at pictures from earlier this year.  

 In every single one of these pictures, I see the same message, even through the different expressions. Not through my face at all, but deep in my eyes, I see pain, struggle, a lot of work, and desperation for acceptance.

A Little Piece Into My Thoughts

     I'm sorry to disappoint, but this post will not be as upbeat as the last one was. This is why I'm so terrified of showing success, because in moments of regression - which we all have, mine are just amplified by 50 - I fear people will see the lack of progress and give up on me, therefore abandon me all over again.
     First, I should talk about the anniversary for just a minute. I figured that the anniversary would be similar to how most people celebrate their birthdays; that is you live life like a normal day until some time in the evening when you celebrate with family and/or friends. Oh, how I was so, so wrong. The entire day, from the moment I left my apartment (which was after I wrote my blogpost), everything I saw, walked into, walked around, or did was a reminder of how my life should have been. It was a reminder of how my life would have been. Everything was dreadfully painful, from seeing a group of friends talking at the school, to dodging a runner running around campus. And the worst part of all of this is that I had to do it all alone. My parents and Tonya came down and took me to dinner later on, but I was still in the mode of wearing my "brave face." It was one of the emotionally hardest days.
     As I've continually tried to talk to the few people who will talk to me, life has been consistently rough. I don't understand why people go in spurts of talking to me, and then they want absolutely nothing to do with me for weeks. I don't understand why I have turned peers (I'm talking about people I've met since the accident) away from me so dramatically. I do know that anytime I try to reach out to old friends, they treat me like I'm that weird kid with coke-bottle glasses that no one liked from high school but everyone just kind of put up with. I know that it feels miserable, having earned my place in their lives, whether it be from skill, hard work, true friendship, listening, time, or whatever, I earned a large place in a lot of their hearts, and now, not a single one of them even give a dang about whether I even exist anymore. It just feels awesome. It is devastating to think back to all of the fun, funny, bizarre, embarrassing, etc memories that I shared with them and know that they will never think about me being in those good times.
     Overall, moving out has been harder in different ways that I would've imagined. It's been a really hard month and there really is nothing that I can do about it.

Happy 4 Years

It's that time of year again! It's the time when school comes to an end, college kids move home, and it's time just to enjoy summer. Well, that's what it is for most people. I, however, am not most people. Let's start from the top.

I decided to take 2 college classes (this is a big deal because as of yet, I have only been able to take one college course at a time) for summer semester. Oh wait, not just summer semester, but the first BLOCK of summer semester. "But then you'll have a fun 2nd half of summer, right?" I've heard 100 times. Not exactly but I'll get to that later. Oh, and even better, everyone loves the academic class that I decided to take. Yes, I decided to take this class; Physics. This class meets for two hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. :) Then my other class meets for two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Although this class should be a whole heck of a lot of fun, I'm pretty terrified about it, because I have not taken a PE course since the accident. This class is hip hop dance!! So I have a feeling I will have to become very, very good friends with my professors. :) But, hey, that's nothing I can't handle, I've done that 100 times before!

Okay, now let's talk about how I am not a college kid that moves home. No,

we're not just talking about the fact that I've stayed under my dear, sweet, loving parents care since the accident so I would not be coming home. We're talking I moved out, a week ago. It's a scary thing, but it's also a very good thing. It's a great way to gain some independence. I moved to Orem, so I'm only like 20 minutes away from home. This is a good stepping stone. On the side is a picture of my bed at my new apartment. Yes, cousins, that is my "better-than-a-boyfriend-blanket" draped over the top!

Today marks a very life-changing day in my life. I don't know about you, but exactly 4 years ago, at 8:17 AM I was an entirely different person. I knew what I wanted in life. I knew what my life could be and what it could offer me if I would offer something to it. But what I didn't know is that I would be having quality time with my big sister later that day, and it would shatter absolutely everything I knew and everything I was. I have always had interesting struggles growing up with the family that I have. (In case you don't know, I have two sisters with disabilities.) I have had to mature quickly. I have had to mature even more quickly given the circumstances I was thrown into when I was 16, exactly 4 years ago today. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the way the world works, the way that people think, etc. Now I realize that I don't have a clue now, and I sure as heck didn't have a clue then. I still am baffled as to why all of my friends abandoned me in my time of need, indicating that I have no idea how their minds work. But, as time moves on, and people move forward, it doesn't matter how much you got robbed of the past or how much you want to stay right where you are. Because people move on with or without you, life changes whether you like it or not, and the sooner you learn to roll with the punches the better off you will be. To anyone hurting with someone who has had a brain injury, encourage them to stop looking back. They will get mad at you, I can almost guarantee it, because for someone with a traumatic brain injury, yes, that is pretty much impossible. But once you get to the point where you can stop comparing yourself to who you were before, (don't get me wrong, I am NOT there yet) I assume life would get so much easier.  But to show you that I am doing my best to put the accident where it belongs and let myself be a new, different and maybe better me, I'm including a picture that I took this morning. This time I will ask the question, which do you like better, short hair or long hair?

Finally, I should update you on the last little piece of news that I got this past week. I get to go in for my 9th surgery - on my head - on July 16th. This surgery is kind of the "fine-tuning" of the last reconstructive. And if you're like everyone I've talked to, you're asking, "Didn't they say the last surgery was going to be your last surgery?" So I just need to clear that up, no, they did not say that. I said that. I wanted it to be the last surgery. But I'm okay with this surgery too. Other than the fact that my surgeon said that this surgery should be more painful than any other surgery I've been through. And that after every surgery I get more and more tolerant to heaver pain medications. So even though this is supposed to be an outpatient surgery, I kind of figure that I'll be in the hospital for longer begging for more intense pain drugs. 

Another Boring Update

Where do we start? I have been on an emotional roller-coaster ever since the accident. Sometimes that roller-coaster is really, really low; sometimes I cannot focus on anything except the past. This is part of the TBI. This is part of the extreme trauma that I went through nearly 4 years ago. Fortunately, we have made some headway with MORE new doctors we have put on board recently. I am also going to return to school for the first block of summer semester. With that I am moving into an apartment of my own. Hopefully this is in preparation for a much larger move in the fall. I don't know what else to say. This is probably why I haven't posted in so long. I have started a "one-on-one 'tutoring'" service on youtube; when I am emailed a question (right now only by my nieces) I figure it out for them on video. This is a link to my channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClzUohViVFqgivMwsxFyubQ I have started a lot of other things again, but don't manage to be very successful at completing them. So, that's about all that I have for today I think. Please, if anyone reads anymore, ask questions, what you would expect to find on a 4-year-post-TBI blog. That's what the comments section is for!! :)