Until You Realize Your Brain Is Broken

       As I alluded to in my last post, I only know what an extremely severe traumatic brain injury feels like. Therefore, the information I share may not be applicable to all head traumas. However, the information I share in this post might sound controversial. It took a long time for my parents to believe that I truly did not understand what was happening rather than being contrary.

            For a long while, I could not comprehend that anything had happened to me. My brain had been damaged, but my mind literally could not grasp that very fact. Even though I was uncapable of doing things that I had always done, my perception was that they were still getting accomplished. For example, my voice was extremely monotone and when my speech therapist would tell me that I had to use voice inflections, I thought she was being insane. Because in my head, I was speaking the exact same way I always had.

            In occupational therapy, my therapist would try to get me to do simple addition problems. I legitimately thought that I was scrolling through the page at a rapid pace and I was extremely frustrated because I had just completed an AP Calculus class and now they were making me do addition! However in actuality, it took me about 10 minutes to get through a page and many of the answers were not even numbers – rather just dashes or dots.

           People had a hard time believing that I was not just being stubborn and belligerent. It seemed so obvious that I could not finish things, that my voice was so deadpan, etc. that there was no way I couldn’t see it! Yet somehow, my brain was not processing that there was a difference. My brain was so focused on physically healing that it could not supply my mind with adequate resources to fathom any sort of deficit.

I had no understanding of why I was trapped in the hospital for so long and I put all my efforts into getting out. To underscore this idea, I would have one sip of a 1600 calorie milkshake and think I had all 1600 calories. (Since eating a LOT of calories was a prerequisite to going home.)

            It took me a long number of months before I began to realize that things were taking a longer time and that things were a heck of a lot harder. It took a lot longer than that to understand that things would never be the same. I still struggle with all of it, but the final piece, radical acceptance, took the longest. “Radical acceptance is when you stop fighting reality, stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors when things aren't going the way you want them to, and let go of bitterness that may be keeping you trapped in a cycle of suffering.” It is NOT a joyful acceptance of the reality.

My Ongoing Social Struggles

I haven't posted in a long time especially because I've been avoiding feeling anything for a long time. I distract myself in every way possible so that I can avoid the difficult emotions. With all of the heightened anxiety and lack of normal resources to help cope, I stuff everything that comes up into a tightly sealed bottle.
My life really does depend so much upon other people. It shouldn't. I know it shouldn't. But my life, post-accident, does. Other peoples' honesty, consideration, concern, etc matter a lot. The way other people view me or treat me defines and shapes the person I am. When I've had a peer who I felt truly loved and believed in me, I've thrived. I was growing and becoming the kind of person that I want to be. Why can't I do that for myself? It's what I want. I'm trying my best to love myself, I'm doing my best to focus on the Savior. But the pain is so real, so deep and so overwhelming that I just need someone to hold me. I need someone to care for me. I need sweet, unconditional (tangible) love from someone who chooses to be with me without any sort of obligation or alternative incentive. I don't want to feel this way. I really, really don't. Especially when literally no peer will love me. I have had ONE male peer give me a second glance in TEN years. But he doesn't even think twice about me now.

I feel so hopeless; so pointless. I am far too aware of my surroundings; who I am vs who I was and everyone around me. I know that when I spin out of control no one will come back, but there's nothing I can do about it. I know that I'm too much to handle often times, but I don't know how to stop it. I know I say or do wrong things but I don't know how to read social ques. And for me, social is everything. Social plays into everything else. Connection is what life is all about really. We came to the Earth to make connections with people and grow spiritually. How do those things happen? Through relationships! So how are you supposed to feel when you can't sustain a relationship despite everything else? How are you supposed to feel when people look at you as disabled when you don't feel disabled? How are you supposed to feel when people judge you for things that you do not do when you simply cannot do them? How can you feel worthwhile when everything around you tells you that you are worthless? How are you supposed to have any sort of motivation when you can't feel any joy? What am I supposed to do? I watched a doctor show recently that talked about only doing what makes you happy especially when you're in depression. But nothing makes me happy. Literally NOTHING.