Why EXACTLY me

    I idolize the person I was before the accident. So it's quite jarring when I come across an old old journal entry that says something like, "I think I'll always struggle with abandonment issues from [this one things that happened my sophomore year of high school.]" What? Could I have really had abandonment issues before the accident? As I take a hard look back at my past, I realize, 'yes, not anything like I deal with now but, yeah.'

    But even during all of those hard, terrible times, pre-accident, I always thought, "why NOT me?" rather than "why me?" I was grateful these things happened to me instead of someone who would lose their faith, wouldn't stay strong, would simply give into temptation, etc. That was my mindset with every trial or struggle I had, and there actually were plenty of them, albeit I look past it most of the time. That is, until the accident. When my accident happened, it was too much, I couldn't stay strong. I was so angry with God for awhile. Absolutely NOTHING felt good, peaceful, or even just kind of okay. 

    Needless to say, when your brain changes so does EVERYTHING around you. Despite what I thought initially, internally things changed as well. This includes both strengths and weaknesses. But as of late, I've begun to start the thinking process that maybe, just maybe, it was EXACTLY because of said weaknesses and strengths - whether they flipped or enhanced- that God needed ME, specifically ME to serve His children in this way. Let me explain. 

    Some of the strengths I had before the accident that are benefitting me now, even if they took a while to come back are: my incredible faith, my enormous amount of love for all people, my love for Jesus Christ, his gospel, and especially the wonderful music that His saints create, my desire to reach out to children, my sympathy/empathy, my inclusive nature, my desire to always be a missionary (although I still struggle with the proselyting part of that one), etc.

    Some of the strengths that have turned very, very weak and are now incredibly painful however are things like: my zest for life and always looking forward to the next step in life, while still loving every second of the present, I was such an extrovert, with the most amazing social skills, I could learn everything so quickly and my beautiful brain would retain the information, not only academically or socially but also (many things) physically, spiritually, musically, etc.

    It seemed like all of the weaknesses I can remember have only gotten worse. Things such as: insomnia, inability to pick favorites, concept of eternity, (as previously mentioned) abandonment, anxiety, perfectionism, needing at least one person to absolutely ADORE me, my need to ALWAYS be needing to be doing something- I have copies of schedules I'd make with plans to the minute. 

    All of that can be quite discouraging, especially when looked at from only a finite, mortal view. But if you go back up to the strengths that have increased, each and every one of them, in one way or another, leads you towards an eternal mindset. God NEEDED someone like ME, with THOSE strengths to give this kind of nasty trial to. As for my weaknesses- the ones that have only been enhanced- well, on the one hand I say, 'thank goodness I at least had some sort of grasp on what to do with these things before the accident'. On the other hand, I think, "wow, these things make those strengths all the more necessary!" I've learned how to have faith and put complete trust in the Lord with the things I cannot control. My empathy is out of this freaking world because I have been through so much. Even the strengths that have become weaknesses, I must exercise faith in things I cannot understand. 

    All of this to say that my mindset went from "why not me?" to "why me?" and is starting to go to, "this is why it is EXACTLY me." So, if like me you struggle with the fact that your life is legitimately HARD, do your best to wait patiently, trust the Lord, and try to discover why YOU were chosen for this hardship.  Let God Prevail!!!

Brain Injury Awareness 2022

This year I'm going to do Brain Injury Awareness month a little bit differently. While I encourage you to read up on what a traumatic brain injury is from earlier posts, and also to visit all of March last year for more information, this year I'm going to talk about things I have learned from having this injury. Things I have learned about the debilitating disability itself, as well as the miracles that have come out of it; the wonderful lessons I have learned about who I am, and the great sacrifice we all made to come to the Earth, especially at this time. 

It is still something very hard for me to say that I am grateful for the injury. I think to the past often with great sadness, longing, and desire for a do-over. I weep at the friendships, skills and knowledge I have lost. I continue to grieve the literal loss of myself. I have so many pains and struggles that have become so normal to me that it amazes me that other people don't have to deal with all the crap I do. Yet I still feel terrible, insignificant, and worthless that I can't seem to achieve temporal achievements like I once could, and everyone else can. I struggle to know whether or not I should be ambiguous and vague when a first date asks me where I work or if I should straight up tell them about the TBI. My heart aches over the loss of all that I have lost, or missed out on, but most especially relationships. I have so much love in my heart for each and every person I ever meet. 

However, all of that is not to say that I have not found strength when I've needed it most. That is not to say that I have not found peace and comfort in the amazing gift of the Holy Ghost. That is not to say that I have not been blessed with the most amazing family, gift of my knowledge of the true gospel, my love for learning, the love I have for service, my intellect, and yes, even my great love. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing opportunities, like going to the Philippines, meeting the most adorable children, being able to serve, having some amazing therapists, and once again, having a family beyond words. This road has not been easy. There are so many things that are bittersweet, but mostly bitter, at least right now. But I'm excited to share some of the things I've learned. 

HOLY COW, Thank You!!

There are so many things I have a great desire to write, to post, to update, to inform and to express to those of you who read my blog. However, a terribly busy, traumatized brain makes things like that really, freaking difficult. I felt I absolutely needed to post my current feelings as I'm reading through posts when I was in the hospital right after my accident. 

I have been bruised, hurt, abused, abandoned, betrayed in ways that absolutely no one can understand. A short while back, all of the pain resurfaced and I had to experience that kind of anguish, hopelessness and loneliness again. I can testify that without the healing balm of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, there is absolutely, without a doubt, NO WAY I could've survived it - especially for as long as it lasted. I do not mean to say that my life is easy, by ANY stretch of the imagination. But rather that the pain I endured for the first few years was one that my mortal body was not capable of surviving. Please don't mistake what I am saying however. It is still EXTREMELY, UNBEARABLY difficult at times, but I've learned to cope with the pain and struggles I face now. I see things on a much more eternal perspective, and things are not AS PAINFUL ALL of the time. 

So, recently, as I have gone back and read through some of those first blog posts; the posts in which I still had the love from all of my peers and associates, I've been floored. I have not ever been able to feel this way before, which is why I think it's important to make note of this. I am ever so grateful to all of the friends and family who were here for me and my family when I was not able to be. I am still (of course) in complete agony regarding all the people I lost. But today, I am able to say THANK YOU. Thank you for being there and caring when I really needed it. Thank you for supporting my family when I couldn't and they needed it most. Thank you for supporting me in any and every way you could. Thank you for being a part of my life, a part of who I am. Thank you for showing me that I have a unique, special influence on those around me. I do not feel that now, especially since 99% of the peers who were following the blog at the time have since blocked me. But I am grateful for the impact that you let me have in your life while I was in it. It pains me more than you'll ever know that I'm no longer part of it, but thank you for letting me be with you, for letting me see you in your times of need. My biggest struggles are still that of a social nature, especially because of all of the abandonment. Yet, the Lord has allowed me to see just a segment of forever in ways that I love each of you. 

When it Appears Nothing is Happening

 Over the last few months, while it may appear I haven't been doing anything, I have actually been rolling many, many new processes. Each time I begin to have a new insight, I feel like I probably need to update the blog, but then either something else interrupts, or I realize I have only opened the floodgates and there is still a whole lot more computation coming. So this post will be very raw, very real, and very unpolished but I'm posting to express that there is still SO much growth continuing to happen in this little brain of mine. 

A few months ago, (I hope to have a future post that will explain it much better), I was able to finally make the connection as to why I can't "remember" anything shortly after the accident. It's not that I merely cannot remember, it's that even at the time, I was not understanding anything that was happening. For a little over 2 years, I was still unaware that an accident had truly, in all reality, taken my life and chopped me into a million pieces, and spit me back out expecting me to manage the world just fine. It was HORRID. 

All of this vulnerability (not understanding anything going on) and my great, loving heart has not been so kind to me. Even before the accident, I would see the best in people and disregard everything negative. I was taken advantage of in far less detrimental ways even before the injury. However, when I could not understand anything, after I felt hurt and betrayal and I still refuse to allow anyone to feel that way on my behalf, I've been taken advantage of BAD. Not only during that time, but continually. I still love others and the last thing I want is for them to experience the kind of pain that I have. And I also have a lot of PTSD triggers now. So I will bend over backwards for people who will absolutely and entirely discard me in a very short time period. I did not even know that I did this until about 3 weeks ago!!! I knew that people were terrible to me when all I did was love them, but I didn't know that this was a consistent problem I've had for years. I finally stood up to someone who was abusive. I continually had to remind myself that I was showing myself that I was proving that I loved ME. 

Recently, I've also been more owning of my emotions, relationships, and actions. Instead of using verbiage like "you betrayed me," or "you didn't explain that," I've changed my tone to "I felt betrayed when this happened," and "I didn't understand what you meant." Not only is it helpful in relationships, but it has given me a sense of power, self worth. 

Similar to what I posted recently, yet expounding upon it, I have come to appreciate where people originate. I have no idea where I would ever possibly be had I come from any different circumstances. Neither do you. Just because I have had one set of standards and truth my entire life, does not mean that you have. Just because you graduated high school experience you don't talk to most of those friends anymore does not mean that we can relate in that way at all. Each person is tried according to where they started in life. It's not simply about "how much they can handle" like I've always been taught, but also about where they started. 

Another thing I have wrapped my head around recently is that I am a very deep thinker. I think more eternal, more elemental, root causal, spiritual, etc. than most. I don't want to know simply the 'what,' but also the 'why' and the 'how.' This creates a lot of further investigation and research work when I think of a simple question. It also has caused me to ask a lot of questions, even as a very young child. What I didn't know is that people were questioning my understanding and knowledge of things (like the gospel) because of these deep questions. They could not see that I was not doubting the truth, but trying to understand, for example; God's motive, or why a limit (in calculus) can use the same formula as the one for finding the derivative. This creates a lot of cognitive work/effort therefore causing an excess of cognitive fatigue - especially when I have a brain injury! Brain injuries are significantly known for their impact on cognitive fatigue, given the increase of senses, decrease of filters, decrease in energy, increase of effort it takes to do otherwise simple things, etc. This is something that I very, very much struggle with however because even though I may know that I'm thinking deeper, and that it takes a critical toll on my energy and resources, I have also always been extremely driven. I always want to be doing 100 different things and excelling at all of them. 

This is one of the things that has been so extremely hard. I've been trying to trudge through it for the last (nearly) 12 years. How am I supposed to accept me not doing 100%??? How am I supposed to accept the down days that I have to take when I'm extremely overwhelmed and all hell has broken loose? How am I supposed to accept that this Shannon is not the Shannon I had always prepared myself to be? This is grief that I don't think I'll EVER get through. Yes, some days I'm nicer to myself, but most of the time, I still have to face the reality that I am not who I think I am. I am not who I think I should be, who I could be, who I would be if... if... if... So yes, this is why I cannot stop talking about my accident, why I cannot stop reliving my past; because every single second of every single day I have to deal with the heartache of all that I had, all that I would have, all that I no longer have the ability of attaining. 

Everyone in my past got to say goodbye to the Shannon they once knew. Everyone except for me. It's a terrible, terrible thing and something that you simply cannot understand unless you go through it. I've tried to explain it multiple times and each time it has fallen on deaf ears. I finally, for the first time in 12 years, wrote a letter to little Shannon. It was the hardest thing to do. I literally feel like pieces of me is being ripped out from me as I write it, as I read it, and every time I think about it again. Trying to say goodbye to yourself is the hardest thing to do. Like I mentioned earlier, it's something that others just cannot understand unless they have been through something so traumatic that they need to say goodbye to their younger self. For this reason, I won't say more about it unless anyone asks. 

Finally, probably because of my deep thinking nature, I learn best, I do the most therapy, I figure things out the most when I am the one doing the talking/thinking/directing. When I process the information (sometimes aloud) the puzzle pieces fit together in my head far better than when someone else does it for me. Especially because the kinds of things that people often say are rudimentary answers that don't address the core of the issue. I NEED to address the core. Yes, this may mean it will take more time. Yes, it may be frustrating. But ask my parents or my counselors, it is much more rewarding when you watch me figure it out for myself, in my own way, in my truth, in my life. 

The Prince of Peace

 Ever since the accident I've made a habit of receiving priesthood blessings. On Thursday, I received a blessing with some pretty direct instruction; start praying consistently with full power of heart for the pure love of Christ. To be honest, I wasn't sure how capable I was going to be considering the majority of my prayers recently had been "Heavenly Father, just help me."  But, it was very clear and very direct, so I took it upon myself and tried it. 

On Friday, the most amazing thing happened! I gained an entirely new perspective on life! It was incredibly POWERFUL and SO AMAZING! Every terrible trial that I go through yes, does anguish the Lord, but he allows them to happen because He can see the whole picture. I can't always see the good out of some things even in hindsight, but He knows how it shapes me to be more prepared, more resilient for what's ahead. I am put through the refiners fire in a way I've never understood before. To be pure and clean in His sight, I must be tried in every possible way. I've learned that it's more than just trusting or relying on the Lord (although definitely those two as well) it's a concept I've never understood - let Him direct you in all things; live in the world, but not of the world, You can be informed of what's going on, but do not let your mind dwell on it. 

How the heck can you do that though? How can you bare the most difficult challenges and struggles? Jesus Christ. He is the Answer. He is ALWAYS the answer, He is the ONLY answer. But how can you redirect your anxious mind? A lot of deep, sincere pleadings and focusing on the bigger picture. Try to remember that what you are going through will soon pass and you will come back brighter, with a more sure testimony, and a stronger, mightier warrior for Christ in these last days! How grateful we must be to be able to stand and fight for Him! He is Christ! The Great King Emmanuel, the Lord of ALL the Heaven and Earth. I know this to be true, His love is God's love. With it, mountains can move, minds can be fixed and most importantly, hearts can be healed. When we are fully overcome by His love, the pain ceases. The memories do not, but the pain does. When we allow His love to envelop us, the chaos in the world no longer matters. He is hope. He is light, He is truth, He is the way, He is our advocate with the Father and He is the Prince of Peace. 

So Much Growth!

Living with a brain injury is something that simply cannot be explained. The physical aches, emotional pain, mental struggles, post-traumatic recurrences, current-traumatic stress, relearning simple things on a continual basis, etcetera... exhausting is an understatement. The word 'anxiety' cannot even begin to describe it and extreme clinical depression takes over. Yet, somehow, we push forward, we continue to fight, to move and to learn things about the human body that you just cannot learn any other way. *As not all brain injuries are alike, not all brain injury survivors suffer the same consequences and overcome the same challenges. However, you should never look down upon someone with a TBI because they are champions as they are likely doing everything they can just to do what they are doing. (When I say "we" in this post, I understand that it may not relate to every person with a severe brain injury).*

Along with learning to appreciate things correlated to the human body, we also learn things about ourselves - our spirits, without our carnal bodies. We learn the powerful influence our body has especially as our inhibitions get taken away. It takes a long time for us to learn things again, but when we do, oh how we rejoice!! Despite being in the depths of depression and overwhelmed with anxiety to the point that I can only do 1-2 things a day, I have learned a lot of new things over the past few months so I'm excited to share them with you today. 

The first thing I uncovered is that I am more like my peers than I had thought. Or rather my peers are more like me. Insofar as everyone wants to feel like they have gone through the worst of the worst yet risen above and beyond. While I don't feel like I have risen that much, I do feel like I have gone through the absolute worst! Is that justified? I don't know. But that's not the point. The point is that if everyone wants to feel the same level of "victimhood," we can't function as a society. I never wanted to classify myself as a victim, but I realized that is what I do. And that's what most everyone else does too! While I have learned and tried to focus conversations less on myself and more on the other person, I never made it a goal to let them feel like the "bigger victim." Until I had this realization. After this, I found my conversations work better... at least when I would remember this principle. 

Very shortly after I came to this understanding, I suddenly stopped feeling like I was still 16 100% of the time. I still dream as a 16-year-old, I still want to dress like I did when I was 16, I want the relationships I had and how I had them as a 16-year-old, but I'm beginning to think less like a 16-year-old. I'm able to notice the immaturity of my peers, I am beginning to address relationships the way that they function as a young adult, I am learning that my body won't fit in the same clothes, and I am almost to the point that I can say I am no longer halted by the juvenile mindset of a teenager.  

In that same vein, I have begun to accept some of the challenges I could not bare to accept before. For example, I am finally thinking about actually serving a mission even though it cannot be what I had always planned on it being. After my life was devastated due to the accident, I could not even consider serving a service mission. To me, a service mission was a lesser calling and I have been preparing my whole life for something more. Family History or Genealogy were trigger words for me as well. Because *blech!* I wanted to serve the Lord here and now, and the family history that I had done was terrible. But from little whisperings of the still small voice, and quiet, subtle obedience, I began to find different strains of family history that I absolutely love! I slowly began to consider the possibility of serving a ...service... mission. (There is no more progress on that, just getting things started).

Heart Balloons

This is my 4th attempt at this post. I struggle to find words that articulate my feelings. In recent days I have been rejected over and over and over – which adds additional anxiety in trying to convey these feelings to other people. I don’t know how my words will be taken, if they will be taken seriously, or with the intent that I want them to represent.

              To be honest with you, my previous drafts have been much more eloquent, and I may post at least a version of them later. But I have been hurting for far too long and I cannot “continue to pump more air into my heart balloon.”

              Around the time of my anniversary, I was hit brutally by some people I thought were friends. If being ‘spit upon’ then abandoned was not bad enough already, taking advantage of so many of my vulnerabilities when they know about them is even worse. At that point I stopped being able to do things that I enjoy – learning, studying, rollerblading – and I began to analyze why.

              I thought of many different analogies and metaphors. The best representation that I came up with is ahead, so bear with me. As people, we want to be a happy, beautiful, high-floating heart balloon. What every person knows but not many accept, no one is always floating high. That’s because in this made-up analogy there is no knot that you can tie at the bottom of this balloon. This means that sometimes occasionally, sometimes frequently someone must pump helium air into your balloon.  

            I have a hole in my balloon. I am definitely an extrovert insofar as I get energy, happiness, motivation, etc. from being around other people – more specifically, peers. They give me the drive to keep pumping air into the balloon. However, when they leave (further inducing my abandonment issues) they stretch my hole even larger. Without repair to the hole, deflation is inevitable. 

Over the last 11 years, I cannot seem to hold on to a single one of my peers. I feel like I have been abandoned. Cognitively I know that may not be the case. However, that is what I feel. I don’t know what it is exactly that I do. I know that I think that I’m still 16, and that is not okay. I don’t have a choice in that. I know that I expect a lot of other people because I feel like I’m still a dependent. I know that I require a lot of patience especially when the TBI takes control. But I also know that I have one of the largest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met. My initial statement at an orphanage in the Philippines was imprinted on my Filipino friend’s heart “I don’t even know you, but I love you!” I think that I was loved everywhere I went before the accident; I assume that it was for that kind of reason. I am still that person behind the TBI. I wish I had more control of the TBI and that others could see past it.

  Just as my balloon is deflated, so are many, many others. If you feel like you’re doing well right now, I bet there are many people in your family who are not. Or maybe you’re not floating so high. Self-esteem is critical, exterior support is crucial; so let us all find a way to be Angels Among Us, by offering a “kind word from a stranger [or] a phone call from a friend.”