Covenantal Love

        I have written many times regarding the insurmountable nature of trauma that our body holds onto. Yet, for those who have not experienced such trauma, it continues to appear incomprehensible. While I could attempt to explain myself or I could attempt to prove that my feelings are justified, I have learned that is a losing battle. Talking about hardships and struggles doesn’t get you anywhere (despite what the victim narrative of the current world would have you believe). Therefore, I will not be rehearsing all the painstakingly agonizing heartbreaks I have endured over the past week, few months, or even years. Instead, today I wish to express the relationship I have had with the Atonement of my Lord, Jesus Christ over the last 15 years.

            Some years ago, as I was desperately crying, in my mother’s loving nature she expressed that she wished that she could take my pain from me. My immediate thought was, “absolutely no, you would not, not if you had a clue what this feels like.” However, because of my deep, thoughtful nature as I contemplated more on this interaction, I began to consider that Jesus did know how painful it would be. Yet not only did He take on that one instance, He took on every instance, for everyone. Indeed, 1 Nephi 21:16 says “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.” And He did it willingly!

           He did it for the same reason my mom expressed her desire, out of pure love. Love that transcends pain; love that supersedes inadequacy; love that replaces fear with faith; love that turns anxiety into comfort; love that is whole, perfect, and infinite because of Jesus Christ. Since I had that realization, I have seen the sacrament differently. Rather than simply a renewal of covenants or reviewing the week and observing where I need to do better, I take it as an honor to be able to take His name upon me, because He engraved my name upon Him! I choose how much I hold His name to mine every day, but He already chose me.

            Over the years, after the heartaches, the mood swings, the tears, the minor rejoicings, the tug of wars, the dissociations, the post-traumatic-stress attacks, etc. I have concluded that I am engraved on far more than the palm of His hand. He engraved my entire soul, not just my afflictions, but everything into part of HIS. In the garden of Gethsemane, in a way that no human being will ever be able to comprehend, Jesus Christ went through and suffered for each and everyone of God’s children, individually. In that garden, He took my soul and allowed it to become a part of His soul. This further allows Him to be my advocate with full, 100% empathy and understanding. Therefore, there is nothing that I go through that He does not understand. He understands not only from an objective perspective, but also from my personal perspective. He is there to hear every uttered plea, every silent prayer, and even moments when words won’t come. He sees us in our heartache. He feels our frustration. He cries with us. Even in the moments I have felt the most alone – the moments I can’t even feel my Heavenly Family - I still cry out in desperation. I know He hears, even though nothing changes. Nothing changes because of a higher, more perfect plan. Yet I still know He hears because He loves us with the love that transcends pain; love that supersedes inadequacy; love that replaces fear with faith; love that turns anxiety into comfort; love that is whole, perfect, and infinite, because of Jesus Christ. And I have felt that love – not often, but enough to fight with vigor to return to feel that love every single second of eternity.

            That is not all. The first great commandment is to love God with all our hearts, souls, strength and mind. This is by no accident. Without full purpose of all we have to love God, everything else can fall by the wayside. Most importantly, we lose sight of the Love that the Godhead has for us. We become distracted by things of this world and take our eyes off Him as did Peter when he walked on water to meet Christ. We are not faithful in the covenant we made at baptism to always remember Him and take His name upon us. He will always stay faithful to the covenant, after all, He engraved my name, and your name, into His very soul. But these are nice words that we don’t often know how to apply. So let me tell you how I have applied them.

            Repentance is a word we hear often, but for a long time, it was a dirty word to me. I have learned however, that repentance is not just about making up for mistakes I have made, it’s about turning to Jesus and saying take me into your embrace, just hold me, and help me become more like Thee. Help me love my neighbor; help me be gentler with myself; help me see what you see; help me process my emotions; help me get through this terrible thing; or simply help me, please, just help. By doing this over and over again, Jesus begins to engrave His soul into our countenance. As this occurs, despite all our flaws, mistakes, or imperfections, the covenant that we made with Christ will fill in all of those gaps at the final day of judgement. Not only will this magnificent Jesus Christ be our perfect advocate, He will also be the finisher to our perfection. When God Almighty looks to judge us at the last day, if we have stayed faithful to our covenant, Heavenly Father will not see our flaws. He will not see our mistakes, because Jesus has already covered them. Jesus is in relentless pursuit of each and everyone of us because He has already done the work. If we do what we can, by turning to Him, and choosing Him every day, we will not have to worry.

 

The Prince of Peace

 Ever since the accident I've made a habit of receiving priesthood blessings. On Thursday, I received a blessing with some pretty direct instruction; start praying consistently with full power of heart for the pure love of Christ. To be honest, I wasn't sure how capable I was going to be considering the majority of my prayers recently had been "Heavenly Father, just help me."  But, it was very clear and very direct, so I took it upon myself and tried it. 

On Friday, the most amazing thing happened! I gained an entirely new perspective on life! It was incredibly POWERFUL and SO AMAZING! Every terrible trial that I go through yes, does anguish the Lord, but he allows them to happen because He can see the whole picture. I can't always see the good out of some things even in hindsight, but He knows how it shapes me to be more prepared, more resilient for what's ahead. I am put through the refiners fire in a way I've never understood before. To be pure and clean in His sight, I must be tried in every possible way. I've learned that it's more than just trusting or relying on the Lord (although definitely those two as well) it's a concept I've never understood - let Him direct you in all things; live in the world, but not of the world, You can be informed of what's going on, but do not let your mind dwell on it. 

How the heck can you do that though? How can you bare the most difficult challenges and struggles? Jesus Christ. He is the Answer. He is ALWAYS the answer, He is the ONLY answer. But how can you redirect your anxious mind? A lot of deep, sincere pleadings and focusing on the bigger picture. Try to remember that what you are going through will soon pass and you will come back brighter, with a more sure testimony, and a stronger, mightier warrior for Christ in these last days! How grateful we must be to be able to stand and fight for Him! He is Christ! The Great King Emmanuel, the Lord of ALL the Heaven and Earth. I know this to be true, His love is God's love. With it, mountains can move, minds can be fixed and most importantly, hearts can be healed. When we are fully overcome by His love, the pain ceases. The memories do not, but the pain does. When we allow His love to envelop us, the chaos in the world no longer matters. He is hope. He is light, He is truth, He is the way, He is our advocate with the Father and He is the Prince of Peace. 

How I #HearHim

 

Given that today is Sunday, I wanted to take special time to talk about the Savior, after my traumatic brain injury. I need to mention that in a (TBI) warrior’s mind, everything is pre- or post- injury. So, before my accident, I remember feeling spiritual moments often. I believe that I felt the Spirit in many ways: through peace, comfort, prayer, angels, scriptures, church, temple, happiness/joy, gratitude, love, occasional tears, etc.  

After my accident, I felt those connections to deity had been severed. Truth be told: that telephone line was cut and would not ever return. However, the Grace of God is magnificent! As with all brain connections after a Diffuse Axonal Injury (DAI), it takes a lot longer for the same result. It took me a whole heck of a long time to realize that I do still hear Him, albeit quite different than before.

About 3-4 years after my accident, I finally decided that God had not abandoned me. I tried to find some way that He would still communicate with me. I prayed...felt nothing. I searched the scriptures…got nothing. I went to church…gained nothing… except more anger!

Initially I had only found His direct words to me through priesthood blessings. So, lo and behold, I began my journey of asking for lots of blessings. (Which I still do – very beneficial.) Motivated by recent prophetic counsel, I treacherously searched for personal revelation. I had to reevaluate what “feeling” the spirit meant. I had associated feeling the spirit with an actual feeling, as per the word itself. Now I understand that when it comes to the Spirit of God, ‘feeling’ is a relative word. Feeling can also refer to a greater understanding, or to an opening of your mind leading to a greater knowledge of truth – what I call ENLIGHTENMENT. I wasn’t totally aware of how or when this would happen, but I knew that there were times when it did. I would come to great awareness of something I had never thought about after taking time to reflect upon it.

I was still a bit disheartened that I had lost so many ways of spiritual communication. I was feeling really, really despondent and utterly hopeless. I had received 2 priesthood blessings in the last 12 hours and was still feeling awful. I was at my parents’ house talking to my cousin, Andrea. We started reading some of my old Tender Mercies journal entries. Offering an outside perspective to my written thoughts sparked discussion. We continued to talk, bounced ideas off one another, and I learned more ways that I hear Him! One of which is just that, through discussion which leads to uber synergy. Additionally, I have always loved my music, because I feel uplifted when it fills my ears. I have a gift of pondering – which leads to this “enlightenment.”

This is how I #HearHim: discussion, enlightenment, music, pondering. These are NOT ways that I am used to. It is NOT the way that you “feel” something. LoL. It sometimes takes other people who are willing to pay attention to Him as well. But, it is in some ways, possibly more direct. It is potentially more pure. It is maybe more Holy, more like Him.

Temple of Christ

  One of the goals that I have had since I was almost 12 years old, was to go to a new LDS temple every year on my birthday. The exploration of a new temple has spread far beyond once a year, as I take every opportunity to visit each new temple I can.
While many people have a goal to visit all 50 states, or 100 etc, my goal is far different. Yes, it's great to say that I've been all over the world visiting all these temples, but that is absolutely not the motivation behind it. As I walked into the Cedar City temple this year, I was overcome with the beautiful spirit that only comes from the temple of the Lord.
I love my Savior, Jesus Christ beyond words. I have a testimony of His reality, His divinity, His purpose and His mission. I know Him as my brother, my Savior and my friend. He is my lifeline. He is my strength and my courage when everything else is failing. He is the light in the darkness. He takes my hand and guides me along this treacherous path that I have been given to bear. But because of Him, I do not have to bear it alone. Although yeah, despite those who love me, I cannot share the yoke with any other human being. It is only through Christ that I can feel relief, and only through Christ that I can be made whole.
I feel His strength in the holy temple. I love visiting so many different temples because I feel the intense rush of the spirit through my soul even more so in a new temple. Visiting the temple strengthens my conviction. Through grief and pain, His voice is heard, "ye shall obtain!" I believe in Christ, so come what may! This is one of the hardest things to say at times, but when I put my whole faith and trust in the Lord, I know He will get me through and take care of me every step of the way.