I have written many times regarding the insurmountable nature of trauma that our body holds onto. Yet, for those who have not experienced such trauma, it continues to appear incomprehensible. While I could attempt to explain myself or I could attempt to prove that my feelings are justified, I have learned that is a losing battle. Talking about hardships and struggles doesn’t get you anywhere (despite what the victim narrative of the current world would have you believe). Therefore, I will not be rehearsing all the painstakingly agonizing heartbreaks I have endured over the past week, few months, or even years. Instead, today I wish to express the relationship I have had with the Atonement of my Lord, Jesus Christ over the last 15 years.
Some years ago, as I was desperately
crying, in my mother’s loving nature she expressed that she wished that she
could take my pain from me. My immediate thought was, “absolutely no, you would
not, not if you had a clue what this feels like.” However, because of my deep,
thoughtful nature as I contemplated more on this interaction, I began to
consider that Jesus did know how painful it would be. Yet not only did
He take on that one instance, He took on every instance, for everyone.
Indeed, 1 Nephi 21:16 says “I have graven thee upon the palms of
my hands.” And He did it willingly!
He did it for the same reason my mom expressed her
desire, out of pure love. Love that transcends pain; love that supersedes inadequacy;
love that replaces fear with faith; love that turns anxiety into comfort; love
that is whole, perfect, and infinite because of Jesus Christ. Since I had that
realization, I have seen the sacrament differently. Rather than simply a
renewal of covenants or reviewing the week and observing where I need to do
better, I take it as an honor to be able to take His name upon me, because
He engraved my name upon Him! I choose how much I hold His name to mine every
day, but He already chose me.
Over the years, after the heartaches,
the mood swings, the tears, the minor rejoicings, the tug of wars, the
dissociations, the post-traumatic-stress attacks, etc. I have concluded that I
am engraved on far more than the palm of His hand. He engraved my entire soul,
not just my afflictions, but everything into part of HIS. In the garden
of Gethsemane, in a way that no human being will ever be able to comprehend, Jesus
Christ went through and suffered for each and everyone of God’s children,
individually. In that garden, He took my soul and allowed it to become a
part of His soul. This further allows Him to be my advocate with full,
100% empathy and understanding. Therefore, there is nothing that I go through
that He does not understand. He understands not only from an objective
perspective, but also from my personal perspective. He is there to hear every
uttered plea, every silent prayer, and even moments when words won’t come. He
sees us in our heartache. He feels our frustration. He cries with us. Even in
the moments I have felt the most alone – the moments I can’t even feel my
Heavenly Family - I still cry out in desperation. I know He hears, even though
nothing changes. Nothing changes because of a higher, more perfect plan. Yet I
still know He hears because He loves us with the love that transcends pain;
love that supersedes inadequacy; love that replaces fear with faith; love that
turns anxiety into comfort; love that is whole, perfect, and infinite, because
of Jesus Christ. And I have felt that love – not often, but enough to fight
with vigor to return to feel that love every single second of eternity.
That is not all. The first great
commandment is to love God with all our hearts, souls, strength and mind. This
is by no accident. Without full purpose of all we have to love God, everything
else can fall by the wayside. Most importantly, we lose sight of the Love that
the Godhead has for us. We become distracted by things of this world and take
our eyes off Him as did Peter when he walked on water to meet Christ. We are
not faithful in the covenant we made at baptism to always remember Him and take
His name upon us. He will always stay faithful to the covenant, after
all, He engraved my name, and your name, into His very soul. But these are nice
words that we don’t often know how to apply. So let me tell you how I have applied
them.
Repentance is a word we hear often,
but for a long time, it was a dirty word to me. I have learned however, that
repentance is not just about making up for mistakes I have made, it’s about
turning to Jesus and saying take me into your embrace, just hold me, and help
me become more like Thee. Help me love my neighbor; help me be gentler with
myself; help me see what you see; help me process my emotions; help me get
through this terrible thing; or simply help me, please, just help. By doing
this over and over again, Jesus begins to engrave His soul into our
countenance. As this occurs, despite all our flaws, mistakes, or imperfections,
the covenant that we made with Christ will fill in all of those gaps at the
final day of judgement. Not only will this magnificent Jesus Christ be our
perfect advocate, He will also be the finisher to our perfection. When God Almighty
looks to judge us at the last day, if we have stayed faithful to our covenant, Heavenly
Father will not see our flaws. He will not see our mistakes, because Jesus has
already covered them. Jesus is in relentless pursuit of each and everyone of us
because He has already done the work. If we do what we can, by turning
to Him, and choosing Him every day, we will not have to worry.
