12th Anniversary and Surgery #10

I apologize for not updating sooner. The anniversary of my accident is a significant day every year. It feels as though a wave of change, uncertainty, heartache, devastation and loss rushes through my body repeatedly on the 12th of May. This year was especially bad though because the intense nightmares, anxiety and other forms of PTSD did not stop for over a month - until I got surgery. 

While I rarely get sleep anyway, anytime I fell asleep, AT ALL, I would immediately enter into REM stage (the dreaming stage) of sleep and nightmares would thrash. Therefore, I never got to sleep for very long. I felt extremely irritable and was always frustrated with the people I love the most. 

But, on June 8th, I finally was able to go in for my 10th surgery. Honestly, I was so excited for this surgery. But less because of the actual procedure and more for the experience. From my previous surgeries, I had associated surgery with anesthesia, being cared for all the time by nurses in the hospital, having persistent intense pain killers, no expectations for when you'd "be better," etc. Unfortunately, this was not the case at all.

Surgery #10 was to go in and actually lift my eyebrows so that I could see. My eyebrows were so low that it was impeding my vision. Apparently, I had also exercised those eyebrows to the point where the technician said that my eyebrows were really strong. LoL 

The surgeon that we had talked to only about 6 weeks prior was incredible. I had talked to many different doctors about how troublesome my eyes were, but they were all dismissive. This is why a 10th surgery may seem out of the blue for those close to me. I've had this issue for years, but no one ever thought it was a real issue until we met this doctor who specializes in eye reconstructive surgeries of a few different types. He had expressed knowledge of the same issues/frustrations that I experience when we met with him the first time. He also said that taking any tissue from my eyelids would only make the problem worse. (Couldn't agree more!) So, when I learned of incisions made on my eyelids, I was devastated, thinking for a time that he forgot who I was and the surgery he was supposed to be preforming. However, I came to learn that when they went in to lift the brows, they learned that the levator aponuerosis - the tendon that lifts your eyelids was not attached. So, they decided to make a second incision to be able to attach it. 

 

Overall, I still can't say much about the surgery because I'm still very much healing. It is quite amazing to see my eyes though. And I look so awake!! Like day after surgery, I get up to pee, look in the mirror and I say to myself, "what? I am not that awake!!" Nightmares thank heavens went away, but they were replaced by agonizing pain that prevented me from being able to fall asleep. That was the case from probably 2 days after the surgery to about 6 or 7 days. I still struggle with all of the normal stuff, but at least I'm not having nightmares or post-traumatic triggers on an hourly basis. 

(p.s. I know this post is not written as well as most of my others, sorry!)

Depression and Anxiety Are So, So Real

 Depression was on the rise in people aged 10-24 by 56% from 2007 to 2018. Since the pandemic, "research" says that depression has risen 3 times to 1 in every 3 adults, albeit no one is telling the truth when it comes to coronavirus. Underestimating, there are 3,703 suicide attempts A DAY in high school students alone. This means that there is a serious problem that goes extremely unnoticed and is highly misunderstood. 

First things first, anxiety is often paired with depression. It is absolutely normal to feel anxious or sad from time to time, but chronic, systemic depression and anxiety is something that should be addressed ASAP. Especially because this kind of depression and/or anxiety has a physical effect on the brain. Despite my desire to go into the details, I won't, that will be in my upcoming podcast if you are interested. 

There are multiple causes for depression and anxiety; these could be situational (i.e. being isolated, house-bound, locked out of school and favorite activities for the last 2.5 years, or a brain injury and all the PTSD or PTRD associated), they could be purely chemical (anxiety is often triggered by thyroid conditions, and depression is commonly caused by imbalance of serotonin, dopamine, and/or norepinephrine, and it's another thing I have experienced, especially in the last few weeks), genetics or heredity, and are things that affect the self-esteem, such as: peer problems, obesity, long-term bullying, academic problems, the pandemic, etc. These feelings are frequently irrational, and often cannot be dealt with logic.

So, what can we do? If you know someone who is struggling with these things you can do, or if you are struggling, you can reach out to a friend and ask for these things. (That link is actually really important to go to). It is important to see a professional as well. I encourage both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. A psychiatrist will help with medications and a psychologist will help you talk through things, sort things out, and come to realizations and breakthroughs. If you are opposed to prescription medications, see a wholistic doctor, and more importantly, research supplements and what you may need. It is quite frustrating how long these chemicals take to rebalance themselves, and some of the brain damage may not recover until after the depression/anxiety goes away. As for the self-esteem, this one can be trickier at times. Seek people who love you to reassure you that you are worth it, that your flaws do NOT outweigh your wonderful qualities. One of those people is the Savior, and the Almighty Father, God. Please pray to Them frequently, asking with a sincere request to help you see yourself as they see you. If you know a priesthood holder of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, ask for a priesthood blessing to be able to do so. They love you so much, they know of your infinite and eternal worth and the things you do are in no way associated with that worth. I testify of that truth, even when I don't feel it, I know it is there. 

Forgiveness

 Sometimes one of the hardest things is forgiveness. Often times we think that the person that hurt us will suffer as long as we hold on to the pain that they inflicted upon us. I testify that it absolutely does not hurt them, it only hurts you. It is at times the absolute hardest thing to let that pain go; especially when it has caused you trauma for the rest of your life. There are people who you may have to forgive every single day, just as the Amish people did when a man killed all of their children in Amish Grace. Forgiveness is not always easy, and this is when you have to pray and ask the Lord for help to forgive. One of the best ways I have found to do this is to ask Heavenly Father to increase your love for them, your understanding of their situation, and open your heart to a more eternal perspective, to have the faith that He will take care of it in the end. 

Forgiveness is NOT condoning their actions. Forgiveness is NOT dismissing the pain that you feel, or invalidating the heartache they may have caused. Forgiveness is the most wonderful gift, that frees us and liberates our soul when we have been wounded by someone else's actions. Forgiveness IS rather giving the pain to the Savior, who has already felt our pain, who knows the perfect justice required. Forgiveness is not for the other person, in fact, it actually has absolutely zero effect on them, but 100% percent effect on you. Forgiveness allows you to move forward, not necessarily move on, but move forward. 

You may chose to continue to grow the relationship and let it flourish, or you may chose to distance yourself. It may not be a choice that you get to make. It is one of the hardest things for me to not have a say in that one. Complete forgiveness has taken a long time for me to learn, and with some situations, it still takes a long time. 

Forgiveness is about looking towards the future and trusting that God has something greater in the future than in your past. That one is really difficult for me, as I wish that all of my old friends to know that I have fully forgiven them and I hope that they can fully forgive me and that we can resume our relationship. I have so many scars when it comes to relationships that it is really hard for me to make friends now so I don't know how God can create something better in that arena. I have to have faith, even when faith is so challenging. 

I have such a strong testimony in the power of forgiveness. I would be in constant agony if I was unable to call upon the Lord and ask Him to help me have greater capacity to see His children as He does, and forgive their actions. I am so grateful for His love, His forgiveness and the strength He provides someone like me. I encourage you all to seek forgiveness for those who have hurt you. Try to move forward, even when the pain continues to come, as it will. Love the Lord, and through Him, love His children,

Neurotransmitters

 The brain and neurotransmitters are things I get so excited about and love talking endlessly. I will do my best not to do that and to explain in simpler terms what I am trying to get across. Please ask questions though, I absolutely LOVE answering questions. Additionally, the lack of comments on my posts for a long time is discouraging. I am working on creating a podcast that I will have done by the end of this year. In this podcast I will be explaining things in greater detail. I have learned so much from my experiences, the things that affect me, and my love to learn. To the point...

Neurotransmitters are essentially chemicals that transfer from one neuron (brain cell) to another. We need them to function, survive, and thrive! There are 6 main neurotransmitters: acetylcholine, dopamine, GABA, glutamate, norepinephrine, and serotonin. In order to function like a normal human being, they need to be properly balanced, regulated in the most beautiful way. When they are in sync, you can feel alive, and thrilled to be on the Earth, with a body! Unfortunately for me, and most people in the world, our neurotransmitters are way out of wack. Additionally, there can be plenty of problems if any part of the connection between the two neurons is damaged. In my accident, a LOT of those connections were damaged. Finally, there are 3 things needed to keep neurotransmitters alive and active: oxygen, nutrients and stimulation. 

Acetylcholine is the most underappreciated neurotransmitter. Yet it is responsible for so much. Acetylcholine is extremely present in memory and cognition. Acetylcholine aids in creativity, comprehension, recognition, spatial awareness, learning, logic, reason, calculation, and overall mental responsiveness. Most brain injured survivors suffer a great loss of acetylcholine, especially at first. 

Dopamine is the "reward" neurotransmitter. Dopamine increases your awareness and concern for others. Dopamine gives you satisfaction for a job completed. Dopamine stimulates motivation and initiation. A lack of dopamine causes an easily set off temper, a desire to isolate, and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. I think you all know I have experienced a great loss of dopamine as well. 

GABA is the only inhibitory neurotransmitter. Aka, it's the only neurotransmitter that calms the nervous system and can help us in moments of high stress or pressure. GABA is tightly associated with glutamate, which is the main excitatory neurotransmitter. A lack of GABA leads to a lot of irrational anxiety and panic, feelings of dread, being overwhelmed for no reason, a restless mind, disorganized attention and the inability to turn off your mind when trying to relax. Does this not explain me or what? If you feel any of these things, DO NOT BUY the supplement GABA. GABA is too big to cross the blood brain barrier (something that protects the brain from harmful chemicals). There are agonists (things that support production) that are helpful, but GABA in and of itself is worthless. 

Glutamate, like I mentioned above, is the main excitatory neurotransmitter. Glutamate assists acetylcholine in creating memory and learning pathways. Glutamate also plays a key role in development in the young brain. Finally, as luck would have it, glutamate plays a key role in the repair work of the brain. 

Norepinephrine is most commonly paired with epinephrine. These are the adrenaline neurotransmitters that rush into action when you're in trouble. Norepinephrine is found most abundantly in mammals. Norepinephrine works within your blood vessels and has a great deal to do with the rate and force of the contraction of your heart. It also aids in skeletal muscles. Finally, the most frustrating part of norepinephrine is that it works when you are in the "fight or flight" mode. Unfortunately for people with PTSD, that is almost always. 

Serotonin is the "feel good" neurotransmitter. Serotonin helps to maintain a homeostasis of emotions, regulating mood and aggression, appetite, respiration and the perception of pain. Serotonin allows you to feel joy in the little things (and the big things), such as favorite foods, hobbies/interests, favorite activities, favorite foods, friendships and other relationships. What's more is serotonin plays a big role in the production of melatonin and overall sleep. I rarely get good sleep. :)

To conclude, neurotransmitters are a vital part of life. When the production or reception of these neurotransmitters get disrupted, it can cause a great deal of anguish. If you feel like there is absence of any of these, talk to a doctor or try out some supplements. (But be sure to get supplements that will work, not GABA, try talking to me...) 

Antifragility

Probably the most significant matter I’ve learned over the last 11+ years has taken me at least 10 years to even begin to comprehend. I thought I knew before (the accident) that God is in every detail of our lives, I thought I knew that He makes us into the people that we are truly meant to become; but now I know that I had only touched the surface.
Something I’ve been able to articulate over the past week in Come Follow Me study and experienced for almost half of my life is that God does not let our suffering go to waste. He does not necessarily cause certain things to happen, but He knows that they will, and He puts the perfect people in the right place at the right time so that they have the opportunity to reach their potential.
Good things don’t always happen to good people. Sometimes really crappy things happen to good people and amazing things happen to bad people. It is often doubted, “how could an ever-loving God treat His people this way?” Let me answer that question in a seemingly controversial manner, “because God loves us.” We are meant to be antifragile.
What does antifragile mean? Antifragility is something that gets stronger when broken, damaged, or afflicted. Like muscles, they grow stronger as we tear their fibers apart exercising them. However, (as I intimately learned from being in a coma for 2 weeks) if we don’t use them, they grow so weak as to become essentially useless. People who seem to have everything may appear happy on the surface, but when looked at privately, they are never satisfied nor happy. Nevertheless, those in extremely impoverished nations are some of the happiest people in the world. While it doesn’t seem to make sense, we are created to be antifragile.
Trust me, if anyone knows the challenges of God appearing to not hear your pleas, it’s me. In “ancient” texts, you can also read about people who put their complete and total faith in the Lord and made it through, even if not in this life, such as Joseph Smith, Joseph of Egypt, Job, Christ himself, etc. They were all amazing people who struggled with enormous trials, because it made them antifragile in the best possible way. It has turned my tabernacle into a temple, it changed my mindset into “Why EXACTLY Me,” I have learned the things that matter the most, particularly the Prince of Peace.

Are You Freaking Serious?

I have had to remove myself from this situation a number of times so that I could write this post without so much anger. But, as you can tell from the title, what I am going to write creates a lot of irritation within my bones.

People, who often have good intentions, make some of the most insulting comments to me and others who invisibly struggle. “Stop blaming everything on the TBI.” “If you actually put some effort into wanting to get better, you’d be leaps and bounds ahead of where you are now.” “You really milk the TBI for all that you possibly can.” “You’re just being lazy.” “You can’t keep blaming all of your mistakes or poor judgements on the TBI.” “If you refocused your dreams and desires, then you’d be fine.” “Why can’t you just be happy? I do everything I can to help you!” etc. etc. etc.
The most frustrating thing is that I hear these phrases so, so, so very often. Even worse is that they come from people who spend a lot of time with me. Sometimes it comes from a forgetfulness of the challenges I struggle with because they are so “invisible.” Other times it is because of sheer ignorance, or people who simply will not accept that anything is difficult for me. It is especially difficult because I struggle with those exact feelings CONSTANTLY. My brain is in constant battle – one part telling myself that I should be able to do more than I am doing and the other expressing complete and total exhaustion. So please don’t add fuel to the fire. On a personal note, inside of myself, I have so much passion, such a burning fire and drive to do so much more than what is humanly possible – even for someone without a TBI.
 To bring this home across people other than those struggling with a TBI, you NEVER know what someone else is struggling with. It is easy to see the struggles of those confined to a wheelchair, or someone that you know just lost a loved one. But you probably don't know the conflicts going on inside of their head every day. You don't know the fatigue - physical or cognitive - that they may be facing. Please, see others with kindness and understand that you don't know what their struggle is. 

For the ONE

The most common response I receive when I ask someone if they have read my latest blog post is "Oh, are you still keeping that up?" The answer is yes; albeit not for the initial intended purposes. That kind of response can be painful, especially in a trauma-self-absorbed mindset. But as I was writing/pondering recently, I came to discover the real reason I continue to post. I am one who's body, autonomy, voice, choice, etc. are misunderstood, get overlooked, or are bypassed far too often. Because of all that I have been through, people often discount my take on the world. There are many individuals who are never able to find their truth, who never can voice their opinion, and/or they feel all alone. Because I have been given the gifts to be extremely self-aware, to be able to articulate my feelings, to be able to have compassion and relate to so many others, I want to do everything I can to ensure others are emotionally, psychologically, socially, spiritually, and intellectually fortified against whatever life may have in store for them. 

So, I share my personal insights because I feel they could relate to other people. I share the wisdom I have gained from experience so that hopefully you won't have to (experience). I get vulnerable because I believe that is the only way we can truly be honest. I share my private thoughts because I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with them. I express how the Lord is always in my life to share that if He can be in mine, He sure as heck is in yours. While I know that I don’t often do a good job of relating my experiences to yours, I hope you can feel that I do relate. And while I would like to help as many people as possible, it is more important to greatly benefit the ONE. As Dr. Suess has said, "To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”