Why EXACTLY me

    I idolize the person I was before the accident. So it's quite jarring when I come across an old old journal entry that says something like, "I think I'll always struggle with abandonment issues from [this one things that happened my sophomore year of high school.]" What? Could I have really had abandonment issues before the accident? As I take a hard look back at my past, I realize, 'yes, not anything like I deal with now but, yeah.'

    But even during all of those hard, terrible times, pre-accident, I always thought, "why NOT me?" rather than "why me?" I was grateful these things happened to me instead of someone who would lose their faith, wouldn't stay strong, would simply give into temptation, etc. That was my mindset with every trial or struggle I had, and there actually were plenty of them, albeit I look past it most of the time. That is, until the accident. When my accident happened, it was too much, I couldn't stay strong. I was so angry with God for awhile. Absolutely NOTHING felt good, peaceful, or even just kind of okay. 

    Needless to say, when your brain changes so does EVERYTHING around you. Despite what I thought initially, internally things changed as well. This includes both strengths and weaknesses. But as of late, I've begun to start the thinking process that maybe, just maybe, it was EXACTLY because of said weaknesses and strengths - whether they flipped or enhanced- that God needed ME, specifically ME to serve His children in this way. Let me explain. 

    Some of the strengths I had before the accident that are benefitting me now, even if they took a while to come back are: my incredible faith, my enormous amount of love for all people, my love for Jesus Christ, his gospel, and especially the wonderful music that His saints create, my desire to reach out to children, my sympathy/empathy, my inclusive nature, my desire to always be a missionary (although I still struggle with the proselyting part of that one), etc.

    Some of the strengths that have turned very, very weak and are now incredibly painful however are things like: my zest for life and always looking forward to the next step in life, while still loving every second of the present, I was such an extrovert, with the most amazing social skills, I could learn everything so quickly and my beautiful brain would retain the information, not only academically or socially but also (many things) physically, spiritually, musically, etc.

    It seemed like all of the weaknesses I can remember have only gotten worse. Things such as: insomnia, inability to pick favorites, concept of eternity, (as previously mentioned) abandonment, anxiety, perfectionism, needing at least one person to absolutely ADORE me, my need to ALWAYS be needing to be doing something- I have copies of schedules I'd make with plans to the minute. 

    All of that can be quite discouraging, especially when looked at from only a finite, mortal view. But if you go back up to the strengths that have increased, each and every one of them, in one way or another, leads you towards an eternal mindset. God NEEDED someone like ME, with THOSE strengths to give this kind of nasty trial to. As for my weaknesses- the ones that have only been enhanced- well, on the one hand I say, 'thank goodness I at least had some sort of grasp on what to do with these things before the accident'. On the other hand, I think, "wow, these things make those strengths all the more necessary!" I've learned how to have faith and put complete trust in the Lord with the things I cannot control. My empathy is out of this freaking world because I have been through so much. Even the strengths that have become weaknesses, I must exercise faith in things I cannot understand. 

    All of this to say that my mindset went from "why not me?" to "why me?" and is starting to go to, "this is why it is EXACTLY me." So, if like me you struggle with the fact that your life is legitimately HARD, do your best to wait patiently, trust the Lord, and try to discover why YOU were chosen for this hardship.  Let God Prevail!!!