I'm sorry to disappoint, but this post will not be as upbeat as the last one was. This is why I'm so terrified of showing success, because in moments of regression - which we all have, mine are just amplified by 50 - I fear people will see the lack of progress and give up on me, therefore abandon me all over again.
First, I should talk about the anniversary for just a minute. I figured that the anniversary would be similar to how most people celebrate their birthdays; that is you live life like a normal day until some time in the evening when you celebrate with family and/or friends. Oh, how I was so, so wrong. The entire day, from the moment I left my apartment (which was after I wrote my blogpost), everything I saw, walked into, walked around, or did was a reminder of how my life should have been. It was a reminder of how my life would have been. Everything was dreadfully painful, from seeing a group of friends talking at the school, to dodging a runner running around campus. And the worst part of all of this is that I had to do it all alone. My parents and Tonya came down and took me to dinner later on, but I was still in the mode of wearing my "brave face." It was one of the emotionally hardest days.
As I've continually tried to talk to the few people who will talk to me, life has been consistently rough. I don't understand why people go in spurts of talking to me, and then they want absolutely nothing to do with me for weeks. I don't understand why I have turned peers (I'm talking about people I've met since the accident) away from me so dramatically. I do know that anytime I try to reach out to old friends, they treat me like I'm that weird kid with coke-bottle glasses that no one liked from high school but everyone just kind of put up with. I know that it feels miserable, having earned my place in their lives, whether it be from skill, hard work, true friendship, listening, time, or whatever, I earned a large place in a lot of their hearts, and now, not a single one of them even give a dang about whether I even exist anymore. It just feels awesome. It is devastating to think back to all of the fun, funny, bizarre, embarrassing, etc memories that I shared with them and know that they will never think about me being in those good times.
Overall, moving out has been harder in different ways that I would've imagined. It's been a really hard month and there really is nothing that I can do about it.
Monday, May 12, 2014
It's that time of year again! It's the time when school comes to an end, college kids move home, and it's time just to enjoy summer. Well, that's what it is for most people. I, however, am not most people. Let's start from the top.
Okay, now let's talk about how I am not a college kid that moves home. No,
I decided to take 2 college classes (this is a big deal because as of yet, I have only been able to take one college course at a time) for summer semester. Oh wait, not just summer semester, but the first BLOCK of summer semester. "But then you'll have a fun 2nd half of summer, right?" I've heard 100 times. Not exactly but I'll get to that later. Oh, and even better, everyone loves the academic class that I decided to take. Yes, I decided to take this class; Physics. This class meets for two hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. :) Then my other class meets for two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Although this class should be a whole heck of a lot of fun, I'm pretty terrified about it, because I have not taken a PE course since the accident. This class is hip hop dance!! So I have a feeling I will have to become very, very good friends with my professors. :) But, hey, that's nothing I can't handle, I've done that 100 times before!
Today marks a very life-changing day in my life. I don't know about you, but exactly 4 years ago, at 8:17 AM I was an entirely different person. I knew what I wanted in life. I knew what my life could be and what it could offer me if I would offer something to it. But what I didn't know is that I would be having quality time with my big sister later that day, and it would shatter absolutely everything I knew and everything I was. I have always had interesting struggles growing up with the family that I have. (In case you don't know, I have two sisters with disabilities.) I have had to mature quickly. I have had to mature even more quickly given the circumstances I was thrown into when I was 16, exactly 4 years ago today. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the way the world works, the way that people think, etc. Now I realize that I don't have a clue now, and I sure as heck didn't have a clue then. I still am baffled as to why all of my friends abandoned me in my time of need, indicating that I have no idea how their minds work. But, as time moves on, and people move forward, it doesn't matter how much you got robbed of the past or how much you want to stay right where you are. Because people move on with or without you, life changes whether you like it or not, and the sooner you learn to roll with the punches the better off you will be. To anyone hurting with someone who has had a brain injury, encourage them to stop looking back. They will get mad at you, I can almost guarantee it, because for someone with a traumatic brain injury, yes, that is pretty much impossible. But once you get to the point where you can stop comparing yourself to who you were before, (don't get me wrong, I am NOT there yet) I assume life would get so much easier. But to show you that I am doing my best to put the accident where it belongs and let myself be a new, different and maybe better me, I'm including a picture that I took this morning. This time I will ask the question, which do you like better, short hair or long hair?
Finally, I should update you on the last little piece of news that I got this past week. I get to go in for my 9th surgery - on my head - on July 16th. This surgery is kind of the "fine-tuning" of the last reconstructive. And if you're like everyone I've talked to, you're asking, "Didn't they say the last surgery was going to be your last surgery?" So I just need to clear that up, no, they did not say that. I said that. I wanted it to be the last surgery. But I'm okay with this surgery too. Other than the fact that my surgeon said that this surgery should be more painful than any other surgery I've been through. And that after every surgery I get more and more tolerant to heaver pain medications. So even though this is supposed to be an outpatient surgery, I kind of figure that I'll be in the hospital for longer begging for more intense pain drugs.