Thursday, October 16, 2014
I live by music. This actually really sucks at times. For the most part, any song that came out before May 12, 2010 reminds me of my life before the accident. Somehow music ruptures my soul in that case, by saying "your life was so, so great then and now you can't stand yourself." It's yet one more thing that is completely beyond my control. There are also some songs that sing about the past, that ache. Those that describe people leaving touch me especially. Because for me, it's not just one person, not even one group of friends, but everyone that left me.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me. I miss the taste of a sweeter life; I miss the conversation. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while. I like to think that we had it all. We drew a map to a better place. But on that road I took a fall, oh baby, why did you run away? Even though going on with you gone still upsets me, there are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay. But that's not what gets me. What hurts the most is being so close. I was there for you in your darkest times, I was there for you in your darkest nights. And having so much to say, and watching you walk away; never knowing what could have been. But I wonder where were you? When I was at my worst, down on my knees, and you said you had my back, so I wonder where were you? While you couldn't see that loving you was all that I was trying to do. It's hard to deal with the pain of loosing you everywhere I go, but I'm doing it. I hear your voice in my sleep at night, hard to resist temptation, 'cause something strange has come over me. And now I can't get over you. No, I just can't get over you. It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this pain. But I know if I could do it over, I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken. What hurts the most is being so close. I was there for you in your darkest times, I was there for you in your darkest nights. And having so much to say, and watching you walk away, never knowing what could have been. While you couldn't see that loving you was all that I was trying to do.
Like I said in a couple posts ago, I realize now that I was just a jerk. I realize that I am the most annoying frickin' person when you meet me now. But that doesn't change the fact that all I ever try to do, is love you. All of you. It so often feels like I socially did die. Yet at the same time I have to continue living with myself every stinking day.