#GiveThanks

 The prophet's message to spread gratitude sounded simple. I have been trying to practice more gratitude ever since President Eyring's talk in 2007, "O Remember, Remember." It has obviously been more of a struggle after the accident, so I have prayed to see His hand in my life more frequently and be a little more grateful more consistently. However, despite all of the challenges that I go through, this attitude blinded me from seeing the struggles the #givethanks posts might have for other people. 

What I failed to understand was that this year has been a NEW challenge to the vast majority of the world. I failed to remember that sometimes the only thing you can think of to be grateful for is to be alive, but you're not even grateful for that. I was blinded by my self-centered thinking, asking, "how can anyone NOT be grateful?" which is unfortunately something that happens because of the brain damage. But, because of said brain damage, I have learned so many things that we all take for granted. 

I am grateful for a body that works. Yes, it does not work like it once did, but it still works. I can still eat - chewing - not needing everything to be put through a blender. I can still walk - I had to relearn and I cannot run, but I can walk. I can breathe, on my own. I can drink - plain water!! I don't need everything to be thickened (so disgusting). My digestive system does not like to work though, and I cannot lose weight no matter how much I diet or exercise. My interior muscles (the ones that you can't exactly exercise but are vitally important) are especially weak and cause all sorts of issues for me. While my sleep still absolutely sucks, I can sleep and oh how grateful I am for any amount of sleep I get. I am grateful that we found something that my skull would not continue creating holes in thus forcing me to wear a helmet for the rest of my life. I am grateful to have a jaw that finally closes, even though I still grind my teeth like crazy and have a lot of jaw problems. I am grateful to know how to solve a TBIgraine when they come - because they are painful beyond belief. More importantly, I am grateful for nerve endings that work so that I can feel pain, a warning sign. My shoulder blades and back are in constant pain, okay actually all of my muscles are in constant pain. But I am grateful that our bodies can gain a heightened pain tolerance AND grateful for my neuromuscular therapists. I am super grateful for my physical therapist who takes the time to help me strengthen areas that I need help with - especially because there are SO many and we are continually finding more!

I am grateful for a brain that still works. Yep, there is a lot of damage to it, but because of that damage, it also inspired me to start learning about the brain, and oh how excited I get every time I talk about the brain! It took me a long time to get to the place that I'm at now, but I've gradually gotten here. It took me hours in weeks to relearn how to write in a straight line. It took a long time, with far too many breaks to relearn how to do simple addition. It took me a long time to remember how to type a cognizant paragraph, but look at where I am today! I am so grateful for brains that are so resilient. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have about the brain, even though if I can't apply it, it's too hard to retain. My thalamus for example, was severely impacted, so I have a really hard time separating incoming senses. Like yesterday, there were so many noises on the road that I couldn't hear the sirens of an ambulance until it was very close. Because I cannot filter out the noises (or sights, or tastes, or smells, or touches) that are not important. However, I am grateful that I was able to eventually recognize the ambulance and stay out of its way. I used to be quick in speaking, I was a very established debater after all! But now it takes me far too long to process information in a simple conversation. This is why I do much better in writing. 

I am eternally grateful for a spirit that still lives inside of me. It is extra difficult because I cannot communicate with my Father in Heaven the way that I used to. I do not feel the comfort that I once did. I struggle because I feel like this is one of the connections that were severed. But, I have a sure and true testimony that my Savior lives. He loves me to the end. He will stand by my side today and everyday. He understands me far better than I know myself. He gets the TBI and the difference between TBI and Shannon. When I don't know, He always does. The Holy Spirit will guide and direct you if you simply ask in faith. It is a huge struggle, especially for me because I don't often feel it, but I have to find it in the small and simple things. For in the small and simple things will great things come to pass. I don't know what exactly this path is but I am grateful to be on it because I know that it is God's path for me. And God knows exactly what will take me to the most promised land. 

Finally, this world is full of twists and turns and we can make what we want of it. We can choose to see the best or the worst. We can find something to be unhappy about, I think that my paragraphs above have articulated that. But we can also find the joy in the little things, the things that we do have. We should remember that we are not entitled to anything. The only thing that the Lord just gave the brother of Jared was how to sustain life, He made him really work for the nicer things (even just light). The only thing that God promised us is a body and agency, that's it, everything else is a gift. We should all be grateful for everything else that we have. #givethanks

Stress on Steroids

Ever since the start of the pandemic, stress levels have risen dramatically. People's normal lives being disrupted has created much unsettling. The crazy thing is like I said in the beginning, social isolation is nothing new to me. 

Even the symptoms of COVID-19 are literally nothing in comparison to everyday life with a traumatic brain injury. Anyone who suffers with a TBI knows the extremes of fatigue - for no apparent reason. We also know the feeling of muscle aches and pains. We know headaches worse than anything else (the first time I got a TBI headache I went to the emergency room lol). Anyone who knows me knows that I know weird random chills all day every day therefore can never know if I have a fever! I also have persistent stuffiness. And anyone with a traumatic brain injury knows the stomach pains and we have the taste/smell symptoms worse - everything is increased to the point that the smallest smell or taste can overwhelm our system entirely. 

So, I'm sick of people complaining about all these symptoms and talking about how terrible their lives are when they have no idea how easy they have it - this is not their everyday, there will be an end to these symptoms, and their symptoms are only a baby taste into my everyday life. 

Then, the black lives matter riots began. This created a lot more stress in the air. "Black lives matter!" "All lives matter!" "George Floyd, Breonna Taylor!" "Defund the police!" Shootings for no reason. Stealing, breaking buildings, etc. The tension heightened. 

Possibly the most critical election in human history. Super. Even more interesting, after listening to awesome people like Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens, my political side has been (re-) awakened. Being in debate all throughout high school, I love talking about politics with others. Which is difficult for multiple reasons; first because I don't have many people to talk to period, second because the current political state is so controversial that anything you say can and will likely be taken personally and third because not being able to talk to people about something I'm passionate about just further devalues my sense of self. 

Relationships have taken a grave toll. The man that made my life so much brighter in late 2016 has now made my life much darker. Many of my close friends randomly went AWOL. 

I've been learning things about my body. Things that I literally cannot change. It is so freaking frustrating! But what's even more frustrating is that it only adds more stress, especially every time I look in the mirror, I take a picture or I change clothes. 

I have so many things on my list of to-dos. One of which for the last few MONTHS has been to write this post. There is an extreme amount of stress just in the air today, let alone the kind of stress involved in my personal life. The kinds of things that stress does to the human body are terrible, absolutely terrible. It causes cell damage, brain deterioration, inflammation, anxiety levels to rise dramatically, depression to sink even lower, among other things. Now, for someone with a brain injury, as with everything else, it is amplified dramatically and even exponentially. I begin to become crippled, spinning in my own negative thoughts. My progress halts and even starts to regress. Then I beat up on myself even more, and the stress gains, and the spiral continues. I cannot even begin to describe the stress complex. But, I tried, after a few long months.