Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Continuing Trauma

Doctors have said that the damage from the TBI has been done (from the impact) and will not get progressively worse. The initial impact is what caused my brain to shake, my skull to burst, and my cranium to bleed. Therefore all of the physical damage should be consumed by the accident on May 12, 2010. While I agree with the logic, I am not entirely sure I agree with the practicality of it. Like a soldier might begin to go into a panic attack every time they hear something that resembles the sound of a gunshot, Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder PTRD or Post Traumatic Brain Injury PTBI (or whatever you want to call it) is very similar. 
I honestly am not really afraid of anything - spiders, snakes, darkness, public speaking, death, etc - except for one thing: abandonment. Which really bites because I've been abandoned so many times, and continue to be abandoned. But I think that's why it scares me so much, because I know how miserable you feel. I am absolutely ridiculously lonely; I'm chained in a throne of torture.  
          I have family who support me and I feel their love. But there is something uniquely different about feeling support of peers - the people who don’t have to love you no matter what. Degraded because there isn’t a peer out there who I feel like really cares. I’ve felt the sorrow more than enough times, I’m positive.
          Oh, but if it isn’t hard enough just to have people ignore me for who knows why, the thing that causes more anguish is the avoiding. All that I have ever been is someone who loves to make others happy, loves being around people. So this generates so much hopelessness.
          I just quit my job because I could no longer take the scorning I would get for using my time wisely. I would literally have to internally suffer because my boss would get mad at me for cleaning the bathroom. I was unappreciated or even depreciated by cleaning the center, improving my skills, keeping myself busy when the center was vacant. The heartache this would cause me every single day! I would come home in so much despair that finally I had had enough.
          But it’s not just with peers or colleagues, it’s with the general public. I go unacknowledged all over the place. Whether it be youtube, facebook, instagram, this blog, etc. No one knows, no one cares; desperation. I am undervalued, because I am worth a whole lot more than I’m being treated. All of this dehumanization causes the depression to grow and grow and grow to the point that I can't continue moving forward.

          I recognize that this is one of my worst blog posts, but the point of this post is two-fold. The first is to (as always) raise awareness of the struggles of a TBI. The consistent struggles, things that don’t go away. The second is to try to help others understand just how much it hurts to not respond to someone. How it magnifies that pain when you go out of your way to not see them, not talk to them, or block them. Whether I’m liked or disliked, at least tell me to my face. Please, have a little decency. And finally, please have a very Happy Thanksgiving.