There are
so many difficult things about living with a traumatic brain injury. I think
that one of the biggest struggles is how lonely it all is. Unless you, yourself,
are living with it, and are aware of what is going on, it is incomprehensible.
I continue to learn more about life with a TBI each and every day and my anniversary
seems to get harder each and every year. This is in large part why I’m posting 4 days late. Today, I would like to attempt to explain a concept even those
closest to me cannot understand.
To me, it
is simple, yet ever so painful and one of the reasons I struggle moving
forward. Everyone in my life either got to grieve the loss of the fun-loving, optimistic,
selfless, academic, motivated, (etc.) 16-year-old Shannon OR they never knew
her and only know the crappy brain injured individual that I am now. I DID NOT have
the chance to grieve that loss. But to be honest with you, I don’t want to.
Because that means that she is gone and I am left as that crappy brain injured
individual. Sure, a lot of people that meet me since the accident say that they
love me as I am but they have no reference. I DO. I don’t want to be a
second-class person in comparison to ME. I have always preached not to compare
yourself to anyone else. But I never knew that my biggest challenge would be
comparing myself to myself.
Additionally,
I don’t feel like I know the 27-year-old Shannon whatsoever. I believe that the
only person I know is 16-year-old Shannon. Then there is the TBI. The two
coexist inside of me 95% of the time. The other 5% is when it is solely the
TBI. In my world, there is only the 16-year-old Shannon who fights the TBI.
There is no 27-year-old Shannon. I cannot grieve the loss of 16-year-old
Shannon because then the only thing that would be left would be the TBI. There
would be nothing else.
I struggle every single day and no one sees. I feel lost and completely alone. (I'm about to rant for a minute). No one understands what it is like to live as a 16-year-old for 12 years and counting. The battle between a good person and the TBI doesn't stop for even a second - including while I sleep. People think I'm lazy and just use the TBI as an excuse so they storm out of my life and tell me that I'm the worst. They do not see the continual war going on inside of me. Like everyone else, I want to be loved and accepted. Very few however, have literally died and come back to life and had to pick up all the pieces with all of the memories still intact of who they were; while everyone else had the opportunity to process the without-TBI-Shannon passing, I was unconscious. When everyone else saw what the TBI made of me, I was completely unaware. By the time I came back to consciousness, awareness, and reality, everything around me had changed and I was a completely different person totally confused without any reference of what had conspired. I'm sorry I'm on a bit of a rant, but THIS is MY REALITY. I am left with
nothing, for reasons that I do not understand - I still ask "how did this happen to me?"
Yes, I maintain my prior to injury status of 'if it had to happen to anyone, I'm glad it was me' instead of someone who would lose their faith, screw their life completely, etc. But, I still ask, "How did this happen?" I know the technical answer. But I am left empty. No one understands; even those who try, they never really will be able to. What I hope you will take away from this post is this: Give those with a TBI some slack. They are fighting HARD every single second. You cannot see it. They probably don't understand what is happening within them almost as much as you don't. Give us a break!
