Friday, January 19, 2024

5000 Days

I often think back on the Shannon I became in the first ~16 years of my life. I look back on her with great honor, respect and admiration - all for good reason. She instilled within me a passion for learning, an unconditional love for all my brothers and sisters in this world, a joy for celestial music, a yearning for knowledge of truth and eternity, courage to take on this ugly world, faith to withstand any persecution, and the valiance to face it fearlessly. What I didn't know then was just how tumultuous all of that could mean. 

Did early saints know how rough the road would be when they left their homes behind? Did Paul know what he signed up for when he agreed to testify of Christ? Did Daniel know what would happen if he chose to pray? Did Nephi know what the Lord would command him to do after he promised that he would be obedient? Did Joseph Smith know how persecuted he would be after going to the woods to pray? 

No. They did not. But the Lord, in His infinite mercy and love, said, "okay, prove it." In like manner, I used to say, "I'm grateful it happened to me instead of someone else." So, I can imagine the Lord, in an infinitely loving way say, "prove it." 

All of the pain, tribulations, heartache, etc. is not a way of the Lord punishing His own. But rather it is a way to sand off the rough edges, to be shaped and molded like clay, to wash away all the flaws and earthly imperfections, to be refined by mercy's fire. He does not enjoy watching us cry, but in His infinite wisdom, He lets us learn from falling, just as we do when teaching a baby to walk. After all, if we do not learn from falling, we'll never learn to walk; and if we do not learn from ourselves, how can we trust what we know?

"Everyone will fall a time or two, and time and mercy heal the wounds. But the most important thing you can do is whisper a prayer, then as soon as you dare, try again. .... Even if the world has seen you crying, try again. And the Lord will see you through, and He'll be there to catch you when you fall."

So, through everything I've been through over the last 5000 days, I hope that despite all of my failures, my heartaches, my turmoil and pain, I hope that maybe I have done what I said I'd do when I told God I would return. Because "I am living proof that His love is real." "He heals, He knows, He gives, He cares, He hears, He shows, He's always there, and I'm living proof." 

P.S. thanks to Cherie Call and Hilary Weeks for their beautiful songs linked below 

Prove Me - Hilary Weeks 

Try Again - Cherie Call

Living Proof - Hilary Weeks



Saturday, May 13, 2023

I Choose to Go Back

My anniversary (May 12) is super hard every year. Every cell of our body remembers trauma and anticipates anniversaries of severely traumatic events. I have found that it helps for me to get feedback from others. I'll ask them why they are glad that I chose to come back after my accident, when I could've stayed on the other side of the veil. Or I'll ask what kind of difference I've made in their lives. Sometimes it's helpful just to know that I have made an impact, even if it's very small. This year, I asked my good friend, Matt Whitaker to write a letter or make a video for me. He told me that when he put his pen to paper, it came out as a poem. It is the most beautiful poem I've ever heard. So, with his permission, this is the poem. 
“I Choose To Go Back”
She felt the love of Heaven’s Embrace,
Saw the light of a Heavenly Face.
Then heard the words: “They’re pleading for you.
What, dear child, would thou have me do?”

And as she looked into Eternal Eyes
She could hear the echoes of her family’s cries.
And her heart was filled with the faith to ask,
“Would it be alright if I chose to go back?”

In response came a gentle nod
As grateful tears filled the Eyes of God.
“I love you, child, with all that I Am,
For your valiance and trust in the Eternal Plan.

I know that you know how hard this will be
To go back through the veil of mortality.
Back to a body that’s broken and bruised.
Is this what you want? Is this what you choose?”

She paused for a moment, as if deep in thought,
Considering something that she had been taught
By her mom and her dad, her sisters and brothers,
That happiness comes in the service of others.

And so, with a heart filled with hope and with kindness
She squared up her shoulders and made up her mind
That no matter how hard or how steep the path,
She would do it for others, she would choose to go back.

And knowing down deep in her soul it was best,
She whispered to Heaven the Word: She said, “Yes.”
With one more embrace, one more lingering smile,
God spoke to her heart, “I’ll be with you, my child.”

Then turning, she made her way back to our side
Of the veil, where she could only gently confide,
With the squeeze of a hand, “Yes, I’m back and I hear you.
And I want you to know that I chose to be near you.

And often I’ll ask for your help as I go,
For blessings of strength and direction to know
How I can serve and progress on the path,
How to remember I chose to come back.”

And so every morning she picks up her cross.
She shoulders the pain and the lingering loss.
She makes her way forward one step at a time
Up the path, up the mountain she promised to climb.

And with her example we look on in wonder.
“How does she carry the burden she’s under?
How does she reach out to others beside her
And pick up their crosses and make them feel lighter?”

The Answer, of course, is the One that she follows,
The One who carried the cross made for all
Of our sorrows and trials and troubles and pain.
She knows He’s the Path back to Heaven Again.

And that’s why she asks for our help on the way
That’s why we’re blessed and able to say
That because of our weakness and all that we lack
We’re so grateful she whispered, “I choose to go back.”

Tuesday, May 2, 2023

Beautifully Imperfect Family

 God is perfect in His omniscience, omnipotence, and omnibenevolence. He knows all things, He has the power over all things, but He also has the perfect love for all things. His deepest love is for His children, you and me. Before Earth, I believe that we were able to consider the trials and challenges that we would face. God the Father knew the perfect situation to put us into to allow us to flourish - sometimes in this life, and sometimes not. But more importantly, He knew what we would need to get through the hardest of times. For me, one of those supporting figures is my dear family - near and far, old and young, close and distant, with all of our imperfections, nay, because of all of our imperfections. After all, these imperfections is what makes me able to thrive. 

I have been extremely blessed into a unique family situation that very, very few others have ever had. I am the youngest with two sisters with disabilities. This has been exactly what I've needed for various reasons, but I'll get to that in a second, let's back it up first. My paternal grandparents - they were/are the most incredible people anyone had the chance to meet. It saddens me greatly that I can't remember much about them. But my grandma was incredibly loving and generous. She was an incredible baker and she loved to bring joy to others by baking. I remember sitting at their house with my grandpa eating homemade round bread with homemade jam and chocolate milk. She knew how to make the perfect pies and would deliver them to people on a frequent basis. She had the ultimate green thumb, but most importantly, she loved her family. With my grandpa, they built a foundation for an eternal family that would stay close - 2nd cousins, first cousins twice removed, and beyond. My grandpa was a chemistry professor at BYU and he developed debilitating Parkinsons later in life. Yet, he was a man completely without guile. Even as he watched my grandma suffer and die from cancer, he never complained. He never had an ill word to speak about anyone - even after they would steal, lie or cheat. He taught important truths of eternity using fundamentals of chemistry. I never knew my mom's dad because he died before I was born. But I know that he was a hard worker and that my grandma worked the rest of her life to be back with him after she died. That grandma was always the crazy old lady - at least that was my young child interpretation of dementia. But I got to know her on a more spiritual level as she was about to leave this Earth. During this time I came to understand how close she was to our Savior; how she wanted to bring all of His children back to Him in any way she could. She went on 7 (I think) missions - even a proselyting mission in her 80s! - and she did so much family history work. She expressed a desire to be "home," and while others weren't sure what she meant because she was at home, I knew. I knew that she wanted to be home with Father in Heaven because of my same desires.


Then we have my parents. My dad is very smart. He can put things together and synthesize things that no one else can. I got my intelligence and my left brain thinking especially from my dad. My mom has the most sincere and genuine heart. She can listen and reassure in ways that only she can. I often say that my dad is my head while my mom is my heart. When I have intellectual issues, I go to my dad; but when I have big emotions, I go to my mom. She often feels that intellect is more important, because that's what society places higher value to. But I could never be where I am today without her unique influence on my heart and spirit. Not to mention that she helps me with all sorts of other things too, like organizing, cleaning, gardening, cooking, etc. Although, despite all of their traits, the thing that is most beneficial to me is all of the hardship they have endured as a married couple. Having 2 children born with disabilities was anything but easy. Having all of their children be so diverse in ability, personality, spirituality, etc. was also difficult. And then, there was my accident. But I don't believe I could've been any luckier than to have them as my parents. And yes, of course I have siblings to thank for that as well. 

My second oldest brother, Nathan has a daughter who developed leukemia when she was only 3 years old. Because of this, my brother does everything he can to better understand what it feels like to have a brain injury on a personal level. My oldest sister, who is 12 years older than me, was born with Rett Syndrome. Rett Syndrome is a genetic anomaly that halts development around 18 months old. Boys don't usually live past 2 years old. It varies for girls but there is no prognosis after they reach 40. My sister is almost 42, which is a miracle in and of itself. But she taught my parents a lot about learning and adapting to unrealized expectations. She taught my parents a lot of patience and empathy. She continues to teach them to love someone beyond their disability. And then there is Tonya. She has her own unique set of disabilities. But, Tonya is the most amazing friend and sister anyone could ever have. We have always been the best of friends - long before we came to Earth - and I believe that we agreed to always have each others' backs when we needed it. In this way, she is my "borka." (It's a word I made up, don't worry about it. The meaning of it is everything that Tonya is to me and everything I am to Tonya.) She still doesn't always understand the brain injury, but she is aware that there are times that I am just sad, frustrated, upset, etc. because my "brain is broken." And in those moments, she is there for me. She will hold me, cuddle me, or bring me a kitty cat when that's exactly what I need. She doesn't know what to say, and that's more than okay. Often times, there isn't anything to say. She loves with all her heart. And I can feel that love. 

I also have 2 more wonderful siblings, Aaron and Kate, but the point I'm trying to make is that our Omnipotent Father in Heaven knows exactly what we need and he places trials and tragedies in our lives for a purpose. He knew that I would need a very understanding, compassionate parents and siblings who knew firsthand what disabilities can do to a person. He knew I would need a close extended family to call upon when all of my friends left me. He knew that I would need the gospel in my life, He knew the exact family I would need to be able to endure through something as hard and as terrible as my unique traumatic brain injury. 

Saturday, January 14, 2023

Lost All Hope

 Since the holiday break, I have been a total mess. My anxiety has been through the roof. Nightmares have been constant, and worse and worse. Therefore sleep barely happens and when it does it's anything but restful. I have given up on so many things in life. I've given up on having a head/face that is in any way, shape or form normal. I've given up on having a body that actually works. I've given up on the chance of ever finding love or even a friendship that will last very long. Heck, even having many friends that won't later give me more abandonment issues. I've given up ever feeling happy or just not anxious. I've lost hope. I've given up the idea that the second coming is right around the corner, which is where all of my hope came from. I've given up the idea of ever looking or at least feeling beautiful. I've been forced to give up all of my hopes and dreams and attempt to create new ones. Cautiously I'd try. But I have no hope in anything at all anymore. 

I released the podcast hoping it would give me a sense of purpose; feeling like I could help someone. I know that none of the episodes so far would do that, but I have been stifled and unable to produce anything since right before the holidays. What is currently being released was pre-recorded. I can't seem to find it within myself to finish a script. I can't finish anything. 

I don't want to do anything. I haven't felt this low in a very, very long time. And I don't know how to pick myself up from this one. When I have been this low before, I didn't have as clear of a head on my shoulders. I thought that suicide was the answer. I know now that wouldn't solve anything, and would only make things worse for those I love. I had backup supports, medications, things I enjoyed, etc. But those things are gone, no longer work, or are no longer enjoyable. I don't have a prescription for this one. I've learned (the hard way) what to do every other time. But this time, today, for the last month, I just don't. 

Sunday, January 1, 2023

And My Journey Continues

As the persistent readers of this blog know, I have been blessed to be extraordinarily high functioning for the trauma that I sustained. Particularly blessed in both my intellect as well as my self awareness. Unfortunately, the increased awareness and knowledge makes the loss and grief more painful. I do not believe that this was from the magnificence of medicine, nor by mere accident. But rather through a God of miracles with a specific plan and purpose for specifically me. 

Before my accident, I had a mindset of "why not me?" When life hit me hard, I would think about how I was able to handle the challenges with strength, maintain my testimony of the Gospel, and gain the ability to provide empathy for others. In no way did it change the difficulty, but rather it provided perspective and longsuffering. The accident changed that for me however. I felt that I had been dealt a hand that was far too hard. Yet over the years, as I've continued to grieve, to grow, to learn, to receive priesthood blessings, to ponder, to synergize thoughts with others, etc. I have slowly but surely began to return bit by bit to that mindset. I am still not fully there again, but I have felt strength as others go through something challenging and I can often respond with true compassion, love, and suggestions based on my unique real life experience. 

I have a real passion for loving and helping others, which is a huge struggle with a TBI. Because of the brain injury, helping people in any "normal" capacity is beyond my limitations. So, being able to help others in empathy, compassion, and suggestions through their own difficulties is the best way I have found to fulfil that desire. After observing this pattern in myself and trying to create some sort of alternative way to increase that fulfilment, I decided to start a podcast. 

The podcast will be called "After You've Fallen." My desire is to provide coping skills, managing techniques, and insights to a myriad of challenges an individual can face. I have endured through some extremely difficult physical, mental, emotional, sexual, social, and cognitive issues, and I am still going through them. I wish to connect with others to make them feel like they are not alone, and there is always hope. I have just begun to appreciate the fact that I have been dealing with the post-brain-injury effects for 12+ years. I have recognized that I have learned ways to combat many difficulties that others struggle with for the first time. 

Please share this podcast with others you might know. I do not expect every episode to relate to everyone. But, there might be one or two episodes in particular that can reach someone in a dark place. I'm going to be releasing this podcast on (I think) every podcast forum as well as on "After You've Fallen" YouTube. There is an official Instagram page that I'll be updating with each new episode. The first episode will be released on the 9th of January and it will be giving a little bit of background and some of what's in store for future episodes. The second episode will actually be on Thursday the 12th, telling the story of the accident. After that, each episode will be every Monday. Join me on the journey next week! 




Wednesday, November 16, 2022

It's Not an Excuse

I had quite a few things figured out before my accident, at 16 years old. One of those things was to not care what other people think about me. For the most part, that still exists. But not always... so yesterday I sat and tried to figure out why. After pondering for a little bit, I discovered the heartbreaking truth. 

I do not care what people think about me - if it's something that I can control. My likes and dislikes, my appearance, my opinions, etc are all things that I have control over. These things I couldn't care less if people agree or disagree. The things that I have no control over however, those are the things that really bother me. At first glance, that doesn't make any sense. If you can't change it, why care what other people think? The problem is that everyone else thinks that I can change it. 

"Stop using your TBI as an excuse!" "When are you going to grow up and take actual responsibility?" "The next time you blame your TBI for anything, I'm done." Etc. are all things that I hear far too often. When people say these kinds of things to me, it invalidates all of my attempts to win the fight I am constantly in.  The absolute worst part is, that I place extreme value in accountability. It is very, very important to me that I take responsibility for the actions I do have control over and to work hard at correcting the mistakes I have made. These mistakes include times that the understanding of consequences has eluded me, times the fatigue takes over and the TBI runs the show, times that I lack social filters, among many others. I am not yet the master of the brain injury, but I challenge its dominance more than you could imagine. There are far too many times that "Shannon" loses control. But there are also several symptoms that I have overcome. The discouraging thing is that the vast majority of symptoms I still struggle with are totally invisible. This often causes others to think that I use the TBI as an excuse. Unfortunately, they have no idea how hard I constantly work to defeat the brain injury. 

Do I get bothered when people tease me about something I can't control like my height? Absolutely not. But does it destroy me when people get upset or frustrated over something that is a direct result of the TBI? Without a doubt. It could be because they think that I'm intentionally being a pain, or it could be because of how much I still grieve the damage myself. It could be that I get more frustrated than anyone with the TBI, but at least "most" of the time I know that it's not me (not always though which is even more frustrating). It could be that I so desperately wish that I could control these things. It's not just a reflection on myself that kills me, it's that people associate me with wonderful things, like the church and my family, and I feel like I disrespect them when people view me in a negative way. Please, be patient with me and recognize that I'm never going to use the TBI as a mere excuse and that I am doing the absolute best I can in any and every given moment. Sometimes my best will be better than others, but we are all that way. Take a moment to think about how different life would be if we were less judgmental/critical and saw everyone as doing the best they can. 



Wednesday, October 12, 2022

Supposed Injustice Makes Sense with an Eternal Superimposition

 Supposed Injustice Makes Sense with an Eternal Superimposition.... what the crap do I mean by that? Well, why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do some actions have good consequences while other good things perhaps have bad consequences? This is what I mean by the supposed injustice. However, I call it supposed based on the "eternal superimposition." Okay Shannon, what is an eternal superimposition? A superimposition is when something is laid on top of another to clearly display both images. Therefore, an eternal superimposition would be when your pain, sorrow and heartache in this world is still very visible on the other side, while also being blessed abundantly for those afflictions. 
This "injustice" is something I have struggled with ever since the accident. I was a great person, with great plans for the future and then my life went to hell in a handbasket. I have expressed different philosophies I have come up with over the course of the last 12 years. One such philosophy I expressed at my 2020 birthday devotional. This was the idea that something good or even great must be destroyed to become something better. I found scriptural evidence of this idea earlier this week. Jeremiah 1:10 reads "I have this day set thee…to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down (sound like the destruction? But then it follows saying…) to build, and to plant." Something better could not be created until everything was first destroyed. 
Furthermore, losing things that were so important to you at one time in your life feels like a weakness. Even getting profits of only this world is a weakness. However, God knows what He is doing. In Ether 12:27 -28 it says "bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them. Behold… I will show unto them that afaith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all brighteousness.” The righteousness in humbling oneself to the Lord provides an eternal perspective in this life. The eternal perspective helps us to feel at peace and endure the hard things with an understanding heart. Furthermore, we receive the ultimate joy in the hereafter, as verse 37 continues “And because thou hast seen thy bweakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father.”  Since our weakness, challenges, hardships make us more reliant on the Savior, and draw us closer to Him, perhaps this realization gives us a more positive understanding of how they can bless our lives, not destroy them. 
While we only see things from a finite, mortal point of view, things are unjust. However, with that "eternal superimposition" all things are made more infinite and abundantly joyful than we can even fathom.