I Choose to Go Back

My anniversary (May 12) is super hard every year. Every cell of our body remembers trauma and anticipates anniversaries of severely traumatic events. I have found that it helps for me to get feedback from others. I'll ask them why they are glad that I chose to come back after my accident, when I could've stayed on the other side of the veil. Or I'll ask what kind of difference I've made in their lives. Sometimes it's helpful just to know that I have made an impact, even if it's very small. This year, I asked my good friend, Matt Whitaker to write a letter or make a video for me. He told me that when he put his pen to paper, it came out as a poem. It is the most beautiful poem I've ever heard. So, with his permission, this is the poem. 

“I Choose To Go Back”

She felt the love of Heaven’s Embrace,

Saw the light of a Heavenly Face.

Then heard the words: “They’re pleading for you.

What, dear child, would thou have me do?”

And as she looked into Eternal Eyes

She could hear the echoes of her family’s cries.

And her heart was filled with the faith to ask,

“Would it be alright if I chose to go back?”

In response came a gentle nod

As grateful tears filled the Eyes of God.

“I love you, child, with all that I Am,

For your valiance and trust in the Eternal Plan.

I know that you know how hard this will be

To go back through the veil of mortality.

Back to a body that’s broken and bruised.

Is this what you want? Is this what you choose?”

She paused for a moment, as if deep in thought,

Considering something that she had been taught

By her mom and her dad, her sisters and brothers,

That happiness comes in the service of others.

And so, with a heart filled with hope and with kindness

She squared up her shoulders and made up her mind

That no matter how hard or how steep the path,

She would do it for others, she would choose to go back.

And knowing down deep in her soul it was best,

She whispered to Heaven the Word: She said, “Yes.”

With one more embrace, one more lingering smile,

God spoke to her heart, “I’ll be with you, my child.”

Then turning, she made her way back to our side

Of the veil, where she could only gently confide,

With the squeeze of a hand, “Yes, I’m back and I hear you.

And I want you to know that I chose to be near you.

And often I’ll ask for your help as I go,

For blessings of strength and direction to know

How I can serve and progress on the path,

How to remember I chose to come back.”

And so every morning she picks up her cross.

She shoulders the pain and the lingering loss.

She makes her way forward one step at a time

Up the path, up the mountain she promised to climb.

And with her example we look on in wonder.

“How does she carry the burden she’s under?

How does she reach out to others beside her

And pick up their crosses and make them feel lighter?”

The Answer, of course, is the One that she follows,

The One who carried the cross made for all

Of our sorrows and trials and troubles and pain.

She knows He’s the Path back to Heaven Again.

And that’s why she asks for our help on the way

That’s why we’re blessed and able to say

That because of our weakness and all that we lack

We’re so grateful she whispered, “I choose to go back.”