Respect has taken on an entirely different meaning over the last few years. I never thought I would have to ask someone to act like a normal human being, nor to treat me like I was a human being. But alas, I have pleaded for the simple respect to do just that. When I say respect in these terms, I'm not meaning "to view in high admiration; to admire deeply as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements" rather, I mean "to practice tolerance; not to threaten, hit or hurt anyone; to be considerate of someone else's feelings."
Most recently, I haven't even had the chance to ask anyone for their respect, as key people in my life have jumped down the rabbit hole and shattered me. It started when the one peer who loved me when I felt unlovable abandoned me. For the 3 years that I have known him, our relationship has been all over the place. You could say the only thing consistent about our relationship is inconsistency. But the one thing that I truly loved, appreciated and never thought would change, was to always feel like I could call him when I felt really low and needed him. Around a month ago, he told me that he didn't want to see or talk to me ever again even though nothing had changed between us or about me. Perfect.
I have this terrible love for learning. Despite how difficult it is for me to comprehend, understand, absorb, retain, and have access to the information I learn now, I still love to learn. This is why my love for learning is terrible - because it is extremely difficult, but I can't keep myself from the desire. I finally received a degree. Which I had hoped I could just be okay with and be done, because learning is so challenging. Alas, I had to take more classes. This class in particular is an online religion course from BYU. It was tremendously hard, and not for the reasons outlined above; it was emotionally exhausting. This class asked questions about oneself that I couldn't answer without addressing the TBI and acknowledging that it played a roll on who I was, but that it wasn't me. I spent so much time, effort, work, heart and soul into that class. Then it was time for the midterm and submission of the main paper. I was confident that the agony and painful work that had gone into that class would show through my paper. But then the professor responded. It was cruel, offensive, dismal and brought me to immediate tears. He attacked me, saying that I hadn't thought "deep enough," that I gave "surface responses," was "non-committal," and accused me of not understanding something he didn't write. Similar things have happened before, but this one was the worst. So now I feel like I can never trust a professor again, especially not when I have to pour out my most inner tragedies.
Moments before I received the email response from the professor, I was on Instagram where I was able to put the pieces together as to why my closest friend (in age and proximity) abandoned me. He shared a picture, head over heels about another girl. We haven't been a couple in well over 2 years, but this is when I figured it out. I figured out why he wanted me OUT. We went on our first date shortly after he got divorced, he was back living with his parents, he had no job and felt ultimately hopeless. I was filling a void. That's all I ever was to him. He mysteriously broke up with me, as it just so happens, around the same time he started to get his life put back together. He would still hang out with me - on his terms - occasionally - when something in his life was going awry. I was only there to fill a void!!! Now that he didn't need me, I was never going to see him again.
So I texted his ex-wife to find out if there were any signs of any of that with her. She didn't respond, even after I texted again with her name and a ?. So eventually I messaged her on Facebook and asked if she got a new number. Her response was BRUTAL. She contradicted previous statements, said that we were never friends, and told me to never talk to her again. One more person - you think I'd be used to it by now, but it still hurts every dang freaking time.
There are so many other things I could list that happened within the next few days, like stupid guys, people who think that the stuff I listed above is nothing, people who simply will not validate the crap that I'm going through. You'll never believe what I did next though, but I'll write it in the next post!
