It's Not an Excuse

I had quite a few things figured out before my accident, at 16 years old. One of those things was to not care what other people think about me. For the most part, that still exists. But not always... so yesterday I sat and tried to figure out why. After pondering for a little bit, I discovered the heartbreaking truth. 

I do not care what people think about me - if it's something that I can control. My likes and dislikes, my appearance, my opinions, etc are all things that I have control over. These things I couldn't care less if people agree or disagree. The things that I have no control over however, those are the things that really bother me. At first glance, that doesn't make any sense. If you can't change it, why care what other people think? The problem is that everyone else thinks that I can change it. 

"Stop using your TBI as an excuse!" "When are you going to grow up and take actual responsibility?" "The next time you blame your TBI for anything, I'm done." Etc. are all things that I hear far too often. When people say these kinds of things to me, it invalidates all of my attempts to win the fight I am constantly in.  The absolute worst part is, that I place extreme value in accountability. It is very, very important to me that I take responsibility for the actions I do have control over and to work hard at correcting the mistakes I have made. These mistakes include times that the understanding of consequences has eluded me, times the fatigue takes over and the TBI runs the show, times that I lack social filters, among many others. I am not yet the master of the brain injury, but I challenge its dominance more than you could imagine. There are far too many times that "Shannon" loses control. But there are also several symptoms that I have overcome. The discouraging thing is that the vast majority of symptoms I still struggle with are totally invisible. This often causes others to think that I use the TBI as an excuse. Unfortunately, they have no idea how hard I constantly work to defeat the brain injury. 

Do I get bothered when people tease me about something I can't control like my height? Absolutely not. But does it destroy me when people get upset or frustrated over something that is a direct result of the TBI? Without a doubt. It could be because they think that I'm intentionally being a pain, or it could be because of how much I still grieve the damage myself. It could be that I get more frustrated than anyone with the TBI, but at least "most" of the time I know that it's not me (not always though which is even more frustrating). It could be that I so desperately wish that I could control these things. It's not just a reflection on myself that kills me, it's that people associate me with wonderful things, like the church and my family, and I feel like I disrespect them when people view me in a negative way. Please, be patient with me and recognize that I'm never going to use the TBI as a mere excuse and that I am doing the absolute best I can in any and every given moment. Sometimes my best will be better than others, but we are all that way. Take a moment to think about how different life would be if we were less judgmental/critical and saw everyone as doing the best they can.