Lost All Hope

 Since the holiday break, I have been a total mess. My anxiety has been through the roof. Nightmares have been constant, and worse and worse. Therefore sleep barely happens and when it does it's anything but restful. I have given up on so many things in life. I've given up on having a head/face that is in any way, shape or form normal. I've given up on having a body that actually works. I've given up on the chance of ever finding love or even a friendship that will last very long. Heck, even having many friends that won't later give me more abandonment issues. I've given up ever feeling happy or just not anxious. I've lost hope. I've given up the idea that the second coming is right around the corner, which is where all of my hope came from. I've given up the idea of ever looking or at least feeling beautiful. I've been forced to give up all of my hopes and dreams and attempt to create new ones. Cautiously I'd try. But I have no hope in anything at all anymore. 

I released the podcast hoping it would give me a sense of purpose; feeling like I could help someone. I know that none of the episodes so far would do that, but I have been stifled and unable to produce anything since right before the holidays. What is currently being released was pre-recorded. I can't seem to find it within myself to finish a script. I can't finish anything. 

I don't want to do anything. I haven't felt this low in a very, very long time. And I don't know how to pick myself up from this one. When I have been this low before, I didn't have as clear of a head on my shoulders. I thought that suicide was the answer. I know now that wouldn't solve anything, and would only make things worse for those I love. I had backup supports, medications, things I enjoyed, etc. But those things are gone, no longer work, or are no longer enjoyable. I don't have a prescription for this one. I've learned (the hard way) what to do every other time. But this time, today, for the last month, I just don't.