Wednesday, May 28, 2014

A Little Piece Into My Thoughts

     I'm sorry to disappoint, but this post will not be as upbeat as the last one was. This is why I'm so terrified of showing success, because in moments of regression - which we all have, mine are just amplified by 50 - I fear people will see the lack of progress and give up on me, therefore abandon me all over again.
     First, I should talk about the anniversary for just a minute. I figured that the anniversary would be similar to how most people celebrate their birthdays; that is you live life like a normal day until some time in the evening when you celebrate with family and/or friends. Oh, how I was so, so wrong. The entire day, from the moment I left my apartment (which was after I wrote my blogpost), everything I saw, walked into, walked around, or did was a reminder of how my life should have been. It was a reminder of how my life would have been. Everything was dreadfully painful, from seeing a group of friends talking at the school, to dodging a runner running around campus. And the worst part of all of this is that I had to do it all alone. My parents and Tonya came down and took me to dinner later on, but I was still in the mode of wearing my "brave face." It was one of the emotionally hardest days.
     As I've continually tried to talk to the few people who will talk to me, life has been consistently rough. I don't understand why people go in spurts of talking to me, and then they want absolutely nothing to do with me for weeks. I don't understand why I have turned peers (I'm talking about people I've met since the accident) away from me so dramatically. I do know that anytime I try to reach out to old friends, they treat me like I'm that weird kid with coke-bottle glasses that no one liked from high school but everyone just kind of put up with. I know that it feels miserable, having earned my place in their lives, whether it be from skill, hard work, true friendship, listening, time, or whatever, I earned a large place in a lot of their hearts, and now, not a single one of them even give a dang about whether I even exist anymore. It just feels awesome. It is devastating to think back to all of the fun, funny, bizarre, embarrassing, etc memories that I shared with them and know that they will never think about me being in those good times.
     Overall, moving out has been harder in different ways that I would've imagined. It's been a really hard month and there really is nothing that I can do about it.

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