Supposed Injustice Makes Sense with an Eternal Superimposition

 Supposed Injustice Makes Sense with an Eternal Superimposition.... what the crap do I mean by that? Well, why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do some actions have good consequences while other good things perhaps have bad consequences? This is what I mean by the supposed injustice. However, I call it supposed based on the "eternal superimposition." Okay Shannon, what is an eternal superimposition? A superimposition is when something is laid on top of another to clearly display both images. Therefore, an eternal superimposition would be when your pain, sorrow and heartache in this world is still very visible on the other side, while also being blessed abundantly for those afflictions. 
This "injustice" is something I have struggled with ever since the accident. I was a great person, with great plans for the future and then my life went to hell in a handbasket. I have expressed different philosophies I have come up with over the course of the last 12 years. One such philosophy I expressed at my 2020 birthday devotional. This was the idea that something good or even great must be destroyed to become something better. I found scriptural evidence of this idea earlier this week. Jeremiah 1:10 reads "I have this day set thee…to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down (sound like the destruction? But then it follows saying…) to build, and to plant." Something better could not be created until everything was first destroyed. 
Furthermore, losing things that were so important to you at one time in your life feels like a weakness. Even getting profits of only this world is a weakness. However, God knows what He is doing. In Ether 12:27 -28 it says "I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them. Behold… I will show unto them that ^afaith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all ^brighteousness.” The righteousness in humbling oneself to the Lord provides an eternal perspective in this life. The eternal perspective helps us to feel at peace and endure the hard things with an understanding heart. Furthermore, we receive the ultimate joy in the hereafter, as verse 37 continues “And because thou hast seen thy ^bweakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father.”  Since our weakness, challenges, hardships make us more reliant on the Savior, and draw us closer to Him, perhaps this realization gives us a more positive understanding of how they can bless our lives, not destroy them. 
While we only see things from a finite, mortal point of view, things are unjust. However, with that "eternal superimposition" all things are made more infinite and abundantly joyful than we can even fathom. 

Agape

The love that I have for others is out of this world. I love easily, whole-heartedly, unconditionally and forever. In Greek there are 8 words for different types of love. My default love is agape. (I'll talk about all the different kinds of love on a podcast episode!!) Agape is Christlike love, charity, for all our brothers and sisters throughout the world. Agape is selfless and unconditional. As I interact with people, I gain other forms of love as well, most commonly philia. Philia is commonly referred to as "brotherly love," or the bond between two great friends. The love I have for people I grow close to is deep and penetrates the soul. Growing up, I thought that everyone loved the same way I do. It wasn't until after the accident that I learned how wrong I was. 

Because of my love, I forgive very easily and quickly. Because of this love, I still mourn for all of my "friends" who left me even after some were excruciatingly mean. Because of this love, I want everyone to know that they can always count on me. I hope for goodness for everyone - and it pains me more than anything when I can't even know how someone is doing. I cannot explain how much it would mean to me if anyone of the people I used to know would just send me a message or call me and give me a small life update. I don't even need to see you or become a part of your life again, I just have an immense amount of love and wishing for your wellbeing. (I really don't know how to make that make sense.) 

When I get blocked from yet another life, it feels like a rejection of love. Not only their love for me, but mine for them. Unfortunately, my love canNOT turn off. This is not merely painful, but it also damages healing within the body. Connection is vital to healing, which is exacerbated by a brain injury, which is also exacerbated by the deep agape, extrovert personality that I embody. So please, accept my pleas for forgiveness and connection once more. Please, reach out and just tell me how you are. I love you, all of you (even those I don't know), in a very unique, unconditional kind of way. 

12th Anniversary and Surgery #10

I apologize for not updating sooner. The anniversary of my accident is a significant day every year. It feels as though a wave of change, uncertainty, heartache, devastation and loss rushes through my body repeatedly on the 12th of May. This year was especially bad though because the intense nightmares, anxiety and other forms of PTSD did not stop for over a month - until I got surgery. 

While I rarely get sleep anyway, anytime I fell asleep, AT ALL, I would immediately enter into REM stage (the dreaming stage) of sleep and nightmares would thrash. Therefore, I never got to sleep for very long. I felt extremely irritable and was always frustrated with the people I love the most. 

But, on June 8th, I finally was able to go in for my 10th surgery. Honestly, I was so excited for this surgery. But less because of the actual procedure and more for the experience. From my previous surgeries, I had associated surgery with anesthesia, being cared for all the time by nurses in the hospital, having persistent intense pain killers, no expectations for when you'd "be better," etc. Unfortunately, this was not the case at all.

Surgery #10 was to go in and actually lift my eyebrows so that I could see. My eyebrows were so low that it was impeding my vision. Apparently, I had also exercised those eyebrows to the point where the technician said that my eyebrows were really strong. LoL 

The surgeon that we had talked to only about 6 weeks prior was incredible. I had talked to many different doctors about how troublesome my eyes were, but they were all dismissive. This is why a 10th surgery may seem out of the blue for those close to me. I've had this issue for years, but no one ever thought it was a real issue until we met this doctor who specializes in eye reconstructive surgeries of a few different types. He had expressed knowledge of the same issues/frustrations that I experience when we met with him the first time. He also said that taking any tissue from my eyelids would only make the problem worse. (Couldn't agree more!) So, when I learned of incisions made on my eyelids, I was devastated, thinking for a time that he forgot who I was and the surgery he was supposed to be preforming. However, I came to learn that when they went in to lift the brows, they learned that the levator aponuerosis - the tendon that lifts your eyelids was not attached. So, they decided to make a second incision to be able to attach it. 

 

Overall, I still can't say much about the surgery because I'm still very much healing. It is quite amazing to see my eyes though. And I look so awake!! Like day after surgery, I get up to pee, look in the mirror and I say to myself, "what? I am not that awake!!" Nightmares thank heavens went away, but they were replaced by agonizing pain that prevented me from being able to fall asleep. That was the case from probably 2 days after the surgery to about 6 or 7 days. I still struggle with all of the normal stuff, but at least I'm not having nightmares or post-traumatic triggers on an hourly basis. 

(p.s. I know this post is not written as well as most of my others, sorry!)

Depression and Anxiety Are So, So Real

 Depression was on the rise in people aged 10-24 by 56% from 2007 to 2018. Since the pandemic, "research" says that depression has risen 3 times to 1 in every 3 adults, albeit no one is telling the truth when it comes to coronavirus. Underestimating, there are 3,703 suicide attempts A DAY in high school students alone. This means that there is a serious problem that goes extremely unnoticed and is highly misunderstood. 

First things first, anxiety is often paired with depression. It is absolutely normal to feel anxious or sad from time to time, but chronic, systemic depression and anxiety is something that should be addressed ASAP. Especially because this kind of depression and/or anxiety has a physical effect on the brain. Despite my desire to go into the details, I won't, that will be in my upcoming podcast if you are interested. 

There are multiple causes for depression and anxiety; these could be situational (i.e. being isolated, house-bound, locked out of school and favorite activities for the last 2.5 years, or a brain injury and all the PTSD or PTRD associated), they could be purely chemical (anxiety is often triggered by thyroid conditions, and depression is commonly caused by imbalance of serotonin, dopamine, and/or norepinephrine, and it's another thing I have experienced, especially in the last few weeks), genetics or heredity, and are things that affect the self-esteem, such as: peer problems, obesity, long-term bullying, academic problems, the pandemic, etc. These feelings are frequently irrational, and often cannot be dealt with logic.

So, what can we do? If you know someone who is struggling with these things you can do, or if you are struggling, you can reach out to a friend and ask for these things. (That link is actually really important to go to). It is important to see a professional as well. I encourage both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. A psychiatrist will help with medications and a psychologist will help you talk through things, sort things out, and come to realizations and breakthroughs. If you are opposed to prescription medications, see a wholistic doctor, and more importantly, research supplements and what you may need. It is quite frustrating how long these chemicals take to rebalance themselves, and some of the brain damage may not recover until after the depression/anxiety goes away. As for the self-esteem, this one can be trickier at times. Seek people who love you to reassure you that you are worth it, that your flaws do NOT outweigh your wonderful qualities. One of those people is the Savior, and the Almighty Father, God. Please pray to Them frequently, asking with a sincere request to help you see yourself as they see you. If you know a priesthood holder of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, ask for a priesthood blessing to be able to do so. They love you so much, they know of your infinite and eternal worth and the things you do are in no way associated with that worth. I testify of that truth, even when I don't feel it, I know it is there. 

Forgiveness

 Sometimes one of the hardest things is forgiveness. Often times we think that the person that hurt us will suffer as long as we hold on to the pain that they inflicted upon us. I testify that it absolutely does not hurt them, it only hurts you. It is at times the absolute hardest thing to let that pain go; especially when it has caused you trauma for the rest of your life. There are people who you may have to forgive every single day, just as the Amish people did when a man killed all of their children in Amish Grace. Forgiveness is not always easy, and this is when you have to pray and ask the Lord for help to forgive. One of the best ways I have found to do this is to ask Heavenly Father to increase your love for them, your understanding of their situation, and open your heart to a more eternal perspective, to have the faith that He will take care of it in the end. 

Forgiveness is NOT condoning their actions. Forgiveness is NOT dismissing the pain that you feel, or invalidating the heartache they may have caused. Forgiveness is the most wonderful gift, that frees us and liberates our soul when we have been wounded by someone else's actions. Forgiveness IS rather giving the pain to the Savior, who has already felt our pain, who knows the perfect justice required. Forgiveness is not for the other person, in fact, it actually has absolutely zero effect on them, but 100% percent effect on you. Forgiveness allows you to move forward, not necessarily move on, but move forward. 

You may chose to continue to grow the relationship and let it flourish, or you may chose to distance yourself. It may not be a choice that you get to make. It is one of the hardest things for me to not have a say in that one. Complete forgiveness has taken a long time for me to learn, and with some situations, it still takes a long time. 

Forgiveness is about looking towards the future and trusting that God has something greater in the future than in your past. That one is really difficult for me, as I wish that all of my old friends to know that I have fully forgiven them and I hope that they can fully forgive me and that we can resume our relationship. I have so many scars when it comes to relationships that it is really hard for me to make friends now so I don't know how God can create something better in that arena. I have to have faith, even when faith is so challenging. 

I have such a strong testimony in the power of forgiveness. I would be in constant agony if I was unable to call upon the Lord and ask Him to help me have greater capacity to see His children as He does, and forgive their actions. I am so grateful for His love, His forgiveness and the strength He provides someone like me. I encourage you all to seek forgiveness for those who have hurt you. Try to move forward, even when the pain continues to come, as it will. Love the Lord, and through Him, love His children,

Neurotransmitters

 The brain and neurotransmitters are things I get so excited about and love talking endlessly. I will do my best not to do that and to explain in simpler terms what I am trying to get across. Please ask questions though, I absolutely LOVE answering questions. Additionally, the lack of comments on my posts for a long time is discouraging. I am working on creating a podcast that I will have done by the end of this year. In this podcast I will be explaining things in greater detail. I have learned so much from my experiences, the things that affect me, and my love to learn. To the point...

Neurotransmitters are essentially chemicals that transfer from one neuron (brain cell) to another. We need them to function, survive, and thrive! There are 6 main neurotransmitters: acetylcholine, dopamine, GABA, glutamate, norepinephrine, and serotonin. In order to function like a normal human being, they need to be properly balanced, regulated in the most beautiful way. When they are in sync, you can feel alive, and thrilled to be on the Earth, with a body! Unfortunately for me, and most people in the world, our neurotransmitters are way out of wack. Additionally, there can be plenty of problems if any part of the connection between the two neurons is damaged. In my accident, a LOT of those connections were damaged. Finally, there are 3 things needed to keep neurotransmitters alive and active: oxygen, nutrients and stimulation. 

Acetylcholine is the most underappreciated neurotransmitter. Yet it is responsible for so much. Acetylcholine is extremely present in memory and cognition. Acetylcholine aids in creativity, comprehension, recognition, spatial awareness, learning, logic, reason, calculation, and overall mental responsiveness. Most brain injured survivors suffer a great loss of acetylcholine, especially at first. 

Dopamine is the "reward" neurotransmitter. Dopamine increases your awareness and concern for others. Dopamine gives you satisfaction for a job completed. Dopamine stimulates motivation and initiation. A lack of dopamine causes an easily set off temper, a desire to isolate, and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. I think you all know I have experienced a great loss of dopamine as well. 

GABA is the only inhibitory neurotransmitter. Aka, it's the only neurotransmitter that calms the nervous system and can help us in moments of high stress or pressure. GABA is tightly associated with glutamate, which is the main excitatory neurotransmitter. A lack of GABA leads to a lot of irrational anxiety and panic, feelings of dread, being overwhelmed for no reason, a restless mind, disorganized attention and the inability to turn off your mind when trying to relax. Does this not explain me or what? If you feel any of these things, DO NOT BUY the supplement GABA. GABA is too big to cross the blood brain barrier (something that protects the brain from harmful chemicals). There are agonists (things that support production) that are helpful, but GABA in and of itself is worthless. 

Glutamate, like I mentioned above, is the main excitatory neurotransmitter. Glutamate assists acetylcholine in creating memory and learning pathways. Glutamate also plays a key role in development in the young brain. Finally, as luck would have it, glutamate plays a key role in the repair work of the brain. 

Norepinephrine is most commonly paired with epinephrine. These are the adrenaline neurotransmitters that rush into action when you're in trouble. Norepinephrine is found most abundantly in mammals. Norepinephrine works within your blood vessels and has a great deal to do with the rate and force of the contraction of your heart. It also aids in skeletal muscles. Finally, the most frustrating part of norepinephrine is that it works when you are in the "fight or flight" mode. Unfortunately for people with PTSD, that is almost always. 

Serotonin is the "feel good" neurotransmitter. Serotonin helps to maintain a homeostasis of emotions, regulating mood and aggression, appetite, respiration and the perception of pain. Serotonin allows you to feel joy in the little things (and the big things), such as favorite foods, hobbies/interests, favorite activities, favorite foods, friendships and other relationships. What's more is serotonin plays a big role in the production of melatonin and overall sleep. I rarely get good sleep. :)

To conclude, neurotransmitters are a vital part of life. When the production or reception of these neurotransmitters get disrupted, it can cause a great deal of anguish. If you feel like there is absence of any of these, talk to a doctor or try out some supplements. (But be sure to get supplements that will work, not GABA, try talking to me...) 

Antifragility

Probably the most significant matter I’ve learned over the last 11+ years has taken me at least 10 years to even begin to comprehend. I thought I knew before (the accident) that God is in every detail of our lives, I thought I knew that He makes us into the people that we are truly meant to become; but now I know that I had only touched the surface.
Something I’ve been able to articulate over the past week in Come Follow Me study and experienced for almost half of my life is that God does not let our suffering go to waste. He does not necessarily cause certain things to happen, but He knows that they will, and He puts the perfect people in the right place at the right time so that they have the opportunity to reach their potential.
Good things don’t always happen to good people. Sometimes really crappy things happen to good people and amazing things happen to bad people. It is often doubted, “how could an ever-loving God treat His people this way?” Let me answer that question in a seemingly controversial manner, “because God loves us.” We are meant to be antifragile.
What does antifragile mean? Antifragility is something that gets stronger when broken, damaged, or afflicted. Like muscles, they grow stronger as we tear their fibers apart exercising them. However, (as I intimately learned from being in a coma for 2 weeks) if we don’t use them, they grow so weak as to become essentially useless. People who seem to have everything may appear happy on the surface, but when looked at privately, they are never satisfied nor happy. Nevertheless, those in extremely impoverished nations are some of the happiest people in the world. While it doesn’t seem to make sense, we are created to be antifragile.
Trust me, if anyone knows the challenges of God appearing to not hear your pleas, it’s me. In “ancient” texts, you can also read about people who put their complete and total faith in the Lord and made it through, even if not in this life, such as Joseph Smith, Joseph of Egypt, Job, Christ himself, etc. They were all amazing people who struggled with enormous trials, because it made them antifragile in the best possible way. It has turned my tabernacle into a temple, it changed my mindset into “Why EXACTLY Me,” I have learned the things that matter the most, particularly the Prince of Peace.