I just realized how long it's been since I've written anything profound, educational, influential, or just good. I think it's time for that to change. I don't know what I'm going to write about, but let's give it a shot.
I have a very hard time computing things, accepting things, understanding things. It doesn't make sense to me. I just cannot grasp so many things, no matter how hard I try; quite literally, incomprehensible. My thoughts have become very much so black or white; there is nothing in between. Believe it or not, there are physical, legitimate reasons for this.
My brain was severely injured in the prefrontal cortex, as well as in the left hemisphere. While there are so, so many different roles that both of these areas control, this is an extremely difficult one. Because I think so concrete, I have a really hard time understanding emotions, feelings or nonverbal communication. Which is really, really bad in two different aspects. The first is social: people, specifically peers, aren't used to having to use words to express their feelings all of the time. But that is exactly what I need. I need that reinforcement from the depression aspect of my life, and I need that distinction to clear up confusion from the injured brain aspect of my life. The second is spiritual: how in the world am I supposed to hear that still, small voice when I cannot understand feelings? I'll tell you what I have to do most of the time: I walk by faith. Other times, I ask for priesthood blessings (even though that still has far too much interpretation). But one of the things that I believe was not only to help me through times before the accident, after the accident, give me fun music to listen to on Sunday, give me quality music all the time, but also to allow Heavenly Father to speak directly to me (from time to time, not frequently) is my music. I love my music. I'm sure I've said it on the blog before, as I've said it 1000 times before to everyone I associate with. My music is virtuous, lovely, of good report and praiseworthy (article of faith 13), and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you ever need a good song, something to lift your spirits, or a new album to sing along to, ask me for recommendations. There is so much good music.
I am so grateful for my music and the lessons the songs remind me I have learned. I have learned that my Savior is real. I have learned that my Savior cares about me individually, and that yes, He healed the sick, made the blind to see, and raised the dead, but He also went through every one of my heart aches, sorrows, sins, painful lost relationships/friendships. I have learned that He is my brother, and that I wanted to show faith in and my love for Him when I came to this Earth. I have learned that He lives today, and that He loves me. If he didn't love me, I wouldn't be able to do any of the things that I can do now, not just because of the injury, simply because I'm human. So many of my songs try to teach me that I am the only one that can do what I came to the Earth to do; that there will never be another me. Many of my other songs teach me that He will never give up on me. He will always give me another chance. I am so grateful that He always believes in me, that He sees the best in me, no matter what, and for all the other lessons I have learned. I am so grateful for all of the lessons - even the 'beautiful heartbreak' lessons - that my amazing songs remind me of.
