It has been an interesting, incredible, fascinating, remarkable journey for the last 8 years - or at least that's what I'm told. Most of those 8 years, I don't remember; some of those years, my brain wasn't functioning enough to be a reasonable person - heck, that still happens sometimes. While neurons do not regenerate, my brain is constantly trying to find new albeit longer and harder pathways to do simple things. Even though the regular developmental processing of my brain was inhibited, I had to create new goals, new dreams, and possibly hardest of all: new expectations. I was not, am not ready for that. I still feel like I'm 16 in so many ways. I mourn every day the loss of all of my friends, hopes, plans, dreams, etc. I cannot do the things that I once could do (and for a long time thought that I still could do) but I feel like I should still be able to. I look normal on the outside, for the most part, I act normal and when something happens that isn't normal, I apologize like crazy. It doesn't make sense for these kinds of irregular things to happen to someone who doesn't have a TBI, and ironically my brain doesn't think I have a TBI. For what I have had control of, I've tried to rationalize, explain, justify all sorts of things.
This trip was so wonderful in so many ways. Wherever I was, whether it be in an uber in Taipei, at an orphanage in Bacolod, in the heat of extreme humidity, I was loved and accepted for who I was, despite any character flaws, physical flaws, or cognitive flaws. I didn't have to feel ashamed of any part of me; I was involved in things that I love and no one was questioning me about any of it. I decided it was finally about time to do what I've wanted to for a long time - embrace the compliment I received from Melissa Larsen "You are unapologetically you." I love this! I want to be unapologetic, unashamed, authentic, genuine; me. I've been afraid of offending, looking stupid, being ostracized, etc. But on this trip, I resolved to return to my roots, stop caring about what others think, embrace what makes me happy and be unapologetically who I am.
On my anniversary, I was exhausted. We were in Cebu city so that we could attend a temple, and I had been going so hard for 10 days without much sleep. So while I slept most of the day after we attended the temple, this day didn't seem so grim. It wasn't quite so dark and heavy as it has been in years past. I didn't feel the need to pretend to tell the world that the TBI had no effect on me. I felt like I could adapt with the TBI, do what I needed to do, find happiness where it needed to be found, and feel good in all of it. As much as this day always reminds me of how great my life once was, and how much harder it is now, my 8 year anniversary had a little different perspective. Being in foreign lands, worlds that are FAR less fortunate than ours, places where the gospel of Jesus Christ truly is a miracle, and knowing that I could stand as a witness made my decision to come back a little less painful. Please don't get me wrong, the pain is still there, and still very, very real; but having people look over all of my struggles and simply love who I am, that made all the difference.
P.S. more stories about the Philippines to come!!
