There are so many things I have a great desire to write, to post, to update, to inform and to express to those of you who read my blog. However, a terribly busy, traumatized brain makes things like that really, freaking difficult. I felt I absolutely needed to post my current feelings as I'm reading through posts when I was in the hospital right after my accident.
I have been bruised, hurt, abused, abandoned, betrayed in ways that absolutely no one can understand. A short while back, all of the pain resurfaced and I had to experience that kind of anguish, hopelessness and loneliness again. I can testify that without the healing balm of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, there is absolutely, without a doubt, NO WAY I could've survived it - especially for as long as it lasted. I do not mean to say that my life is easy, by ANY stretch of the imagination. But rather that the pain I endured for the first few years was one that my mortal body was not capable of surviving. Please don't mistake what I am saying however. It is still EXTREMELY, UNBEARABLY difficult at times, but I've learned to cope with the pain and struggles I face now. I see things on a much more eternal perspective, and things are not AS PAINFUL ALL of the time.
So, recently, as I have gone back and read through some of those first blog posts; the posts in which I still had the love from all of my peers and associates, I've been floored. I have not ever been able to feel this way before, which is why I think it's important to make note of this. I am ever so grateful to all of the friends and family who were here for me and my family when I was not able to be. I am still (of course) in complete agony regarding all the people I lost. But today, I am able to say THANK YOU. Thank you for being there and caring when I really needed it. Thank you for supporting my family when I couldn't and they needed it most. Thank you for supporting me in any and every way you could. Thank you for being a part of my life, a part of who I am. Thank you for showing me that I have a unique, special influence on those around me. I do not feel that now, especially since 99% of the peers who were following the blog at the time have since blocked me. But I am grateful for the impact that you let me have in your life while I was in it. It pains me more than you'll ever know that I'm no longer part of it, but thank you for letting me be with you, for letting me see you in your times of need. My biggest struggles are still that of a social nature, especially because of all of the abandonment. Yet, the Lord has allowed me to see just a segment of forever in ways that I love each of you.
