Friday, December 28, 2012

...a little story about my heart...

I went to see "The Forgotten Carols" again this year. I've watched this incredible play every year around Christmas for as long as I can remember. So I know what happens next with each event, but more importantly, I know how Michael McLean ends the show. It's actually really cool. As he talks about Christmas, the season and his testimony, he has everyone from the audience join him in singing, "we can be together, forever, someday." Then he tells you to think of a loved one who couldn't be with you that night, "whether they're serving our country in Afghanistan, they've passed through the vail" or they turned out to be little jerkfaces! (I, of course, added that last part.) So as I sat and thought about those little jerkfaces, and thought about how I still loved them despite everything they've done to me, and imangined a time where I could be together with them again, not the jerky part, just the part that I love about them. The wheels started to churn in my head, and I asked myself quite a few questions, one of them being, but why in the world do I still care about these people, people who have wronged me in such a way that it's almost unforgivable? And eventually, it came to me. I've known for a while now that I have a much more charitable love, but since the accident, I really have not seen it as a blessing. (Because I obsess over people who want nothing to do with me.) But, that's when I realized that the reason why I can love people the way that Christ can love them is because I seem them through an entirely different perspective. I don't see them the way that the world would have me look at them. I see them the way that Christ sees them. I see their yearning to be better even when it makes no sense, I see them for who they truly, truly are. And that is why I can still say I love these people who have wronged me terribly, because I don't see what they've done to me as much as I see what they try to do for their Savior. The whole way home, as I sat and thought about this, it all started to make sense. And suddenly my whole life changed. I realized why I couldn't seem to let go of "oldShannon" and that, in turn, allowed me to let go of her just a little bit more. For Christmas, I got a replacement BLUE guitar, so I went to my room to tune it today. As soon as I got it tuned, I opened my old songbook to play some of the songs I had written before. And as I read through them, I started seeing examples of this all over the place. So I thought I would share some of those excerpts from my songs. "I love you, for who you are." "All I know, is that I wish that we could be friends again. You have hurt me more than you may ever know." "I'll always believe in you" "And I'm right here, waiting for your call. Don't let go, cause I'm always holding on. And I'll never leave you" "Believe in who you are. I love you, just the way you are." Then there is this song that's titled "I really do love you" and I would basically put the entire song in here. "I care more about you, than I ever even thought I could." "I'll be your best friend, for as long as you want me to" There's also a whole song about being young and innocent... "My mind says no, but my heart won't let you go" And the list goes on and on. But yeah, that's me. That's why it's so hard to move on, to accept change. I've always been this way. Quite a few of those songs are from before the accident even. And it's just the way that I see people, as the Savior would, not as the world sees them.


  1. Replies
    1. the comment I left underneath, really should be here in reply to your comment

  2. Thanks Rebekah. It really means a lot to me that you still check and comment on here. Gives me at least a little reason why I should continue to update, even if it really does just become a conversation between you and I and no one else. :P