Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Everyday of My Life

"Everyday is a struggle and everyday is just another battle."
After taking a class on grief, and making a graph charting all the things I've lost, I've identified some of the hardest changes from the accident. I LOST: my identity, my respect for people, physical health (in far more ways than imaginable), mental health, trust in people and God, memory, cognitive/academic abilities, physical strength, physical stamina, physical endurance, mental functioning, emotional processing, social abilities,  100% sense of independence, everything spiritual, lifelong hopes and dreams, caring about anything besides people. Anyone understand a little bit better why my life sucks?
"I hate every second that I breathe this air."
 I didn't dream all that much about my future before the terrible day in May nearly 3 years ago. But I had a few things planned out. For example, I was going to get my bachelor's degree (with High Honors nonetheless), then go on a mission and then let fate decide where I ended up after that. And now that they have lowered the age limit on missions, now I can't go on one. Now that I have gone to college, I realize that is no longer part of my playing cards. Worst of all, is that all of people's "encouraging" comments to me, just turn around being extremely discouraging. So please don't leave any "encouraging" remarks.
 "I just breakdown realizing how lonely I am, and that nobody even cares."
I worry constantly about coming on to people too strongly. I worry constantly that people that I meet won't ever talk to me again. I worry about people thinking I'm nothing but a burden to them. These worries go far beyond the "handshake circle" or even "hug circle." These worries trickle into relationships that logically I know will never fail me. Even worse however, is that the reason why I feel so strongly, even with people I trust the very most is because of me. Not only because I have found these things happen in my relationships with people, but also because I never want to hear my own voice again, because I feel like I'm only a burden to myself and everyone around me. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be.
 "Whenever I think I've found the key to happiness, someone changes the lock."
I don't find joy, or even a slight form of happiness in anything anymore. Things that used to just let me escape, computer, television, music, etc, don't even make a dent in my pain. There are times where I am so sick and tired of all of these mindless activities that I lie, doing absolutely nothing, except just thinking about the only things this accident has left me to think about. When people tell me I'm such a miracle, that I shouldn't even be alive, I don't doubt that fact. Because it's true. I shouldn't have lived. I shouldn't be high-functioning, I shouldn't be able to feel the things I do, if I do by some chance survive, I should only survive as a vegetable. I know all that, I'm not debating any of that. What I will debate is my "strength;" my "willingness to be here." If I had more strength, I wouldn't be here, if I had any willingness to still be here, I wouldn't be writing this post as I lie, completely alone, bawling in bed. I know that I'm a miracle, I just wish that I wasn't. Please don't tell me not to think like that.
"If what I've done isn't good enough for you, feel free to hate me for nothing but loving you."
If there is one quote to pick at this moment to best describe how I'm feeling, it would be the one right above. Easy, without a doubt. I tried to mention this in my post December in 2012, but I'll try to reword it again. It doesn't matter what you do to me, nor how badly I hate you. I will always love you. It's a blessing as some would see it, but with all of the people who don't give a crap about me anymore, it's a curse. One of the worst curses in existence too. Although I love comments, words don't mean anything anymore. Actions speak far louder than words, and if you don't have the guts to back up any promises with actions, it'd be far better you shut yourself out of my life.

1 comment:

  1. We care. Please let us know how we may help. Love, Jay, Suz and the boys

    PS Long hair gives you an ingenue-look and short hair gives you a hip, smart-look.