Suffering unbearable pain which torments my burdened heartache. As if I wasn't already in enough physical and emotional pain, why did you, my last friend (not family) have to tell me that I'm not good enough? How am I suddenly not important enough to even talk to? What changed from a week ago when you were telling me that you would do anything for me, where as now, you won't even pick up the phone? I am SO alone. I don't just "feel" this way. I AM this way. I AM SO ALONE.
I want comments. I need comments. I know that I have said not to leave comments before. But that's not exactly true. What I have actually said is that I don't like those fake comments that people naturally leave after reading a blog post as emotional as mine tend to be. I hate fraudulent people, particularly right after you have poured your heart and soul to them. But that does not mean that I don't need responses. That actually means I need responses more! I have next to no outlet to express my feelings. So I turn to my blog. Then after I make a post I check constantly to see if anyone has commented. But of course, no one does, because I asked fake people not to.
So, just to reiterate the questions I am asking. They are simple. There are only two of them. Why am I not good enough to be a part in your life anymore? What happened that suddenly made it okay for you to kick me in the butt?
May decade
May through the years
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Imagine that, Jack!
In high school, friends are everything to you. They are truly the most important thing in your life at the time. Try to picture your life back in high school, now try to picture it without all of your friends. That life is what I went through. Imagine that, Jack.
My life was once surrounded by friends and people who adored me. Not so much anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not discrediting those who have stuck by me, I'll name those in a second. I used to have people (MY OWN AGE!) on my mind 100% of the time that I had no time to think about myself. (So don't give me the crap that I need to stop focusing on myself [person's name who I will not insert here]!) Now I'll address the response of everyone who is reading this. The few of you that are still there, thank you. I love you to death for that. But fact of the matter is, there's too large of an age difference to make up for the pain that has been caused by EVERYONE my own age. Yes, even 5 years makes too much of an age gap. As far as Shireen, Bryson, and Michelle, fact of the matter is that none of you are available enough of the time to make up for all of the pain in my heart. And to the rest of the people who are my own age who are reading this (if there be any) who say "I'm still here!" BULL CRAP. You haven't been here for me for the past 3 years and you're sure as heck not here for me now. Don't try to pretend that you are. Yes, I know that life gets busy, particularly at this stage in people's lives. I know that people move away, so often times, distance themselves from old friends. I get that, I do. But see the hardest thing, is something that I was discussing with my dear middle-aged friend the other day. When you have overlooked all of their flaws and discrepancies for YEARS and they don't even BOTHER to try to overlook a tiny little mistake that you made, or say an affliction caused upon you. (AKA spending 7 weeks in a hospital) You still love them no matter what. They will always hold a HUGE piece of your heart. While in the meantime, they may have completely forgotten about you. Imagine that, Jack!
Also you are never too busy to send a message, pick up the phone and give a quick 5 minute call. You are never too busy just to find out how an old friend is doing. When you were the kind of person who went out of their way to do that for EVERYONE, and then all of a sudden, no one does that for you. Imagine that, Jack!
I used to be everyone's best friend, confidant, the center of attention. Then, by the time my senior year rolled around, after I had worked my little brain-injured butt off, do you want to know what I had to show for it? Nothing. Not even a page to show people who had endured medical trials. While everyone else had a special page featuring them, their hobby, their job, their latest trend, whatever! Then at graduation, they recognized someone else, claiming that they had been through the hardest, most difficult trial of anyone. Don't get me wrong, I am not downplaying her physical difficulties at all. But what they didn't do, is they didn't take into consideration anyone who was dealing with the pain of the death of a parent, or a sibling, a divorce, a major heartbreak, or any other emotional loss. They didn't look at anyone who was dealing with any sort of mental/cognitive loss, they didn't look at anyone with any sort of social loss. But worst of all, they didn't look at someone with ALL of those losses. Imagine that, Jack!
Then, going from someone who got oodles of recognition especially while I was in a coma to getting next to none. For example my ex-best-friend took around my yearbook and had "all" of my friends sign it at the end of my junior year and there are probably 30 times more signatures in that yearbook than there are in my senior yearbook. In fact, my ex-best-friend didn't even sign my senior yearbook. Imagine that, Jack!
Oh and that was after I had defied all odds by going back to school at least 3 years before doctors told me I should, taking AP classes which doctors told me I never should, and getting a 4.0 every single term which doctors couldn't even believe. Imagine that, Jack!
Then going in for the 8th surgery on my head alone and still not having anyone who I can call to hang out. Ha, let alone anyone who loves me. Now, I know, I know that you guys, my family and my friends who are totally not may age love me but that's not what I'm talking about!! Now, imagine that, Jack!
Then try to imagine finally learning to come to grips with all of these terrible surroundings, when it all gets worse. Your dear bishop who you have developed such a close bond to, not only gets released but gets called to another calling in a completely different city, so won't even be at your ward anymore! Imagine that, Jack!
P.S. I have to apologize if I am sounding especially rude, cruel, or harsh. It has been a very hard couple of weeks. And no one has been around to support me through any of it.
My life was once surrounded by friends and people who adored me. Not so much anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not discrediting those who have stuck by me, I'll name those in a second. I used to have people (MY OWN AGE!) on my mind 100% of the time that I had no time to think about myself. (So don't give me the crap that I need to stop focusing on myself [person's name who I will not insert here]!) Now I'll address the response of everyone who is reading this. The few of you that are still there, thank you. I love you to death for that. But fact of the matter is, there's too large of an age difference to make up for the pain that has been caused by EVERYONE my own age. Yes, even 5 years makes too much of an age gap. As far as Shireen, Bryson, and Michelle, fact of the matter is that none of you are available enough of the time to make up for all of the pain in my heart. And to the rest of the people who are my own age who are reading this (if there be any) who say "I'm still here!" BULL CRAP. You haven't been here for me for the past 3 years and you're sure as heck not here for me now. Don't try to pretend that you are. Yes, I know that life gets busy, particularly at this stage in people's lives. I know that people move away, so often times, distance themselves from old friends. I get that, I do. But see the hardest thing, is something that I was discussing with my dear middle-aged friend the other day. When you have overlooked all of their flaws and discrepancies for YEARS and they don't even BOTHER to try to overlook a tiny little mistake that you made, or say an affliction caused upon you. (AKA spending 7 weeks in a hospital) You still love them no matter what. They will always hold a HUGE piece of your heart. While in the meantime, they may have completely forgotten about you. Imagine that, Jack!
Also you are never too busy to send a message, pick up the phone and give a quick 5 minute call. You are never too busy just to find out how an old friend is doing. When you were the kind of person who went out of their way to do that for EVERYONE, and then all of a sudden, no one does that for you. Imagine that, Jack!
I used to be everyone's best friend, confidant, the center of attention. Then, by the time my senior year rolled around, after I had worked my little brain-injured butt off, do you want to know what I had to show for it? Nothing. Not even a page to show people who had endured medical trials. While everyone else had a special page featuring them, their hobby, their job, their latest trend, whatever! Then at graduation, they recognized someone else, claiming that they had been through the hardest, most difficult trial of anyone. Don't get me wrong, I am not downplaying her physical difficulties at all. But what they didn't do, is they didn't take into consideration anyone who was dealing with the pain of the death of a parent, or a sibling, a divorce, a major heartbreak, or any other emotional loss. They didn't look at anyone who was dealing with any sort of mental/cognitive loss, they didn't look at anyone with any sort of social loss. But worst of all, they didn't look at someone with ALL of those losses. Imagine that, Jack!
Then, going from someone who got oodles of recognition especially while I was in a coma to getting next to none. For example my ex-best-friend took around my yearbook and had "all" of my friends sign it at the end of my junior year and there are probably 30 times more signatures in that yearbook than there are in my senior yearbook. In fact, my ex-best-friend didn't even sign my senior yearbook. Imagine that, Jack!
Oh and that was after I had defied all odds by going back to school at least 3 years before doctors told me I should, taking AP classes which doctors told me I never should, and getting a 4.0 every single term which doctors couldn't even believe. Imagine that, Jack!
Then going in for the 8th surgery on my head alone and still not having anyone who I can call to hang out. Ha, let alone anyone who loves me. Now, I know, I know that you guys, my family and my friends who are totally not may age love me but that's not what I'm talking about!! Now, imagine that, Jack!
Then try to imagine finally learning to come to grips with all of these terrible surroundings, when it all gets worse. Your dear bishop who you have developed such a close bond to, not only gets released but gets called to another calling in a completely different city, so won't even be at your ward anymore! Imagine that, Jack!
P.S. I have to apologize if I am sounding especially rude, cruel, or harsh. It has been a very hard couple of weeks. And no one has been around to support me through any of it.
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