Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Heartbreaking Life

Scene 1:
I've been hanging out with this friend for a few years and he suddenly won't talk to me. I start to ask one of his friends questions and he texts me. So I said, "What did I do?"
"You bug the shit out of me."
Scene 2:
We liked each other in junior high, and we were the absolute best of friends. Before he left on his mission, we talked about how great it would be to see all of our old friends again, returned with honor. I went to his homecoming, wishing to welcome him with all my heart; but he never even acknowledged my existence.
Scene 3:
We were great friends in high school debate. Even though her parents didn't want her around me because of my "spiritual influence," we were still together quite often. In fact, I was there for her, and I walked her out of thoughts of suicide. I saw her at the school earlier this semester, and I needed to do a project on someone from a different country, so I asked her if I could interview her. She agreed, but never returned a phone call or text.
Scene 4:
I met someone and less than 24 hours went by before he said that I "annoyed him to the point of no return."
Scene 5:
In a matured mindset, I wrote a letter to an old boyfriend, explaining that it hurts me more than one can possibly imagine that I don't know what happened between us. I apologized for anything and everything I had ever done that has ever hurt him. I did not ask him to become my friend again, I did not ask him to like me again, I did not ask him to forgive me, I only asked him to acknowledge that he had received my email. That acknowledgement never came.
Scene 6:
I don't like to pick favorites (or bests) but if you look at how often we spent time together, this person has to be my best friend all throughout high school. I was there for her in ways that any typical person would think absurd. Parents divorce, health issues, step-parents, familial suicides, other girl issues, financial struggles, friends, the list goes on. But when I needed her, where was she? She found a new best friend. And now, she won't communicate with me, no matter what.
Scene 7:
My first class back in school was Social Work. You'd think that this would be a great place to meet people who truly care, who want to stay friends, right? Wrong. Or at least wrong in my case. In my defense, he did stay friends with me for about a semester after social work class ended. But then, he was sick of me too. I'd call and ask if I could stop by and say hello, his response was always, "NO."
Scene 8:
I met a very attractive young man classic skating. He told me that he wanted to see me again and he started writing me letters. It was truly adorable. Then he began making excuses, excuses that I believed for a while. Excuses for why we couldn't write anymore, or why he couldn't meet me for this date or whatever.
Scene 9:
I am still hurt by one boy, and his father, and his stake president, every single day. Every single day, it hurts to think that I'm not good enough. Not just that I'm not good enough for this one boy, not just that I'm not good enough to his dad, a bishop, or stake president. Although I know that it's not true, these people have en-graven the feeling that I'm not good enough for my Heavenly Father.
Scene 10:
Finding a friend, boy or girl, who actually cares about me. Someone who will truly be there for me through thick and thin. Someone who will let me care about them. Someone who loves me no matter what. This scenario hasn't happened. The hope for this one gets dimmer each and every time I interact with someone because of the previous scenes I've outlined and so many others just like them.

To say the least, I've gotten far too used to being ignored, avoided, or even blocked by the people I care deeply about. To anyone who has demolished me from their life, I have something that I would like to say:
I am so incredibly sorry. It breaks my heart knowing that my existence in your life was disgusting enough for you to discard of me forever. I wish I could stop pestering everyone, including myself with my presence. Whether you want this or not, I'll never forget you. I love you, I always have, and unlike you, I actually can say with absolutely no doubt that I always will.

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