So I'm not exactly excited about this post, because well, who would be? But in all honesty I figure it's something that probably gets overlooked a lot when reading my blog and is a real issue in my life. I'm sure that everyone feels this way at times, but the propensity for failure and emotional instability that comes with a TBI makes it near impossible to deal with at times.
Let's start with why I needed to write this post: school. In my last post I addressed the idea that I had to get my associates this summer. I talked about how I was fed up with everything and therefore bound and determined to make it work. First block of summer, although extremely difficult, put me on that track. Second block of summer came around and nothing was what I thought it was going to be. So I looked around for other alternatives. And the choices are so extremely limited second block of summer that I found nothing. So I quit second block of classes. So yes, that means I have 2 classes left to finish my associate's degree. And yes, I am still 6 years post high school. And yes I already had almost a year's worth of college credits graduating high school. And yes, I know that I should just get 2 more classes in really fast to at least show the work that I have done, but.... for what? Because see this is (partially) how I look at it: 1. All of those things that I just mentioned are still there. 2. It's a freaking Associate's Degree! Good for what? NOTHING. Except going on to more school and saying that you already have done all of your generals and such. 3. Once I get my associate's it will be pointless to only have the associate's especially because 4. The last 2 classes I would take would have something to do with neuroscience and I would get sucked in and in neuroscience the only degree that's worth anything is not a 5. bachelor's not a 6. master's but a 7. PhD. 8. the last thing I want in life is to spend the rest of my life being scored, graded, evaluated, etc and get nowhere because 9. as the last 6+ years have proven, it will literally take me the rest of my life. 10. I still don't get to work or contribute anything to the workforce 11. I don't get to make a difference with people on the personal level 12. I will always be living on next to nothing 13. Finally, this is not what I want in life!
That's school. I've had this blogpost written up to this point for probably a week. I just don't exactly want to talk about the other crap. So I won't go into anything in much detail. Actually let's just say that I do my fair share of failing cognitively, emotionally, socially, spiritually, physically, mentally, etc. And despite what Cody thinks, my TBI is not an excuse, it is as real as day and causes so much turmoil, grief and extreme difficulty. I cannot explain it. I feel beaten, trodden down, defeated. By everything in life, everyone in life and I feel like I am totally alone. I know that I have people around me who "love" me, but I feel like they get as sick and tired of me as everyone else does.