What I Wouldn't Give

Throughout high school, you take all sorts of trips to different colleges doing various things. I went to EFY, percussion competitions, debate camp, and debate tournaments. During such a voyage, as a high schooler, you experience the joys of what it would be like to go to college, live away from home, make new friends, live in an apartment/dorm, etc. It is fascinating! Life feels awesome and you just can't wait to get out of the house! ... While I wasn't quite that way, I was always so excited for the next step in life.
From debate trips, I had learned that I LOVED Berkeley. I also thought about BYU-Hawaii. I thought that the "worst" I would do was BYU (Provo). My mindset didn't change after the accident; so of course I still applied to numerous other schools. But despite my outstanding grades and great ACT score, I didn't get in; I was confused. (I now know that I couldn't have handled it and it was God's grace). So I still went to BYU... or attempted to. Long story short, the college life that you imagine, dream about, that truly is out there for everyone simply couldn't happen for me.
So devastated, I moved back home; took one class, then quit school for almost 2 years. The size of BYU campus was enormous and overwhelming, so I didn't even entertain the idea of going back there. But I went to UVU the summer of 2013. I hate UVU. Even though I now have a degree from there, with a 4.0, I hate UVU. It is a nothing school to me. I don't care if it is the largest -number wise - school in Utah. I don't care if it is on the rise. It is a nothing school. I can't believe that I had to resort to a nothing school. I mean it's already hard enough that I couldn't graduate with a bachelors in 3 years and then go on a mission. It's hard enough that it took me like 7 years post high school to get a freaking 2 year degree when I already had most of a year's worth of credits graduating from high school. It's freaking hard enough that I have to wrestle with the pain of everything that I once saw myself as, and still don't understand why I can't be that, let alone that I have to admit that my degree is from a nothing school.
What's more, is that I got to my doctor's appointment early on Friday afternoon. So I parked my car and went walking around the hospital, which just so happens to be right next to BYU campus. I saw the Wendy's that we would go to during EFY. Then I saw Pita Pit and remembered all of the fun I had there during debate camp. Then some college kids walked past me and my heart sunk to the center of the earth. This is what all of those high school dreams were! Walking to classes, making new friends, walking just off campus to Wendy's or Pita Pit. It hit me like a semi-truck load of bricks that I will NEVER get to have that kind of journey. Ever. What I wouldn't give to be able to walk from class to class. "But Shannon, the stress is terrible." What I wouldn't give to be able to take so many of the classes that I want to take - in one semester! Even just for one semester! "I don't know Shannon, all I do is study, work, and go to class." What I wouldn't give to make friends with people in my major and have those kinds of study groups. Or be able to learn that much about what I love! Or be able to make money, or be able to feel productive! "Alright, fine, I'll switch you!" Oh my goodness! If you even had a clue!!! You would not switch me no matter how much stress you're in, no matter how lazy you think I am. If we could switch shoes for even 20 minutes, I am so sure that you would beg to be back in your hectic life.
What I wouldn't give, not to switch anyone, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone; but what I wouldn't give to have the ability to focus, to read, or study, to walk across campus, to make - and keep - friends, to share thoughts. to be too busy, to have a job, to have a life! (All credits go to Tonya for that last line. :P "Get a job, get a life!")