I've always meant to write a book about my story. But the magnitude of the task to capture all of the heartache, devastation, insights, failures, relationships, testimony building experiences has seemed far too overwhelming. So I recently decided to start by writing short stories, but came to the realization that I don't know how to do that because I can't imagine a happy or even meaningful ending.
What is happy? I don't mean the dwarf on Snow White, I don't mean the emoji or the character on Inside Out. I am talking about pure, genuine, untarnished happiness. Every day I wake up drained and exhausted from a sleepless (or at least restless), dreadfully insomniac night. I have to force myself to get up and start moving. Anything and everything I do takes resources by the dozen! I don't look forward to daily activities, doctors' appointments, therapies, or alone time. I don't enjoy any of the "hobbies" that people will throw out - they are typically more difficult than I feel like they should be (and were before) which makes me extremely discouraged.
Happiness has become such a foreign concept to me that I cannot even formulate how it could happen (for someone like me at least). I mean sure, I guess I could write a story where out of nowhere a magic wand comes into one's life but really, I can't do that. I couldn't do that, feel right about it and write with any sort of conviction. It just will NOT happen.
Quite honestly, I don't know what happiness even looks like anymore. I used to dream about things like a husband with kids. But thinking about watching my children go through hell, that sounds miserable. I used to really, really enjoy spending time with family but each year gets harder, sadder, and less internally inviting. I once loved water sports but when I went to the lake on Friday, I was miserable.
So, the long and the short of it is that I'm in a very, very deep depression. One that I don't know I'll ever come out of. Honestly, I don't understand life any other way.
P.S. If you've been around me lately and haven't noticed, don't feel bad, I can put on a very deceiving mask. If I've shown nothing but misery, it's because I often don't care enough to fake it.
