Small Steps are Okay

The purpose of this blog initially was to inform loved ones of my status. Since I have taken over, the purpose has changed to inform the world of the struggles of a Traumatic Brain Injury, through the eyes of someone who deals with one. Those who have followed along have watched me transform, seen thoughts roll out and become full on realizations - sometimes total transformations. I don't know everything there is to know about TBIs nor will I claim to. But I work through the challenges of living with one every single frickin' day. 

Every single frickin’ day is a very discouraging thought -- especially when I have to face the fatigue, overstimulation, stress and just plain exhaustion. Because there is a large part of me that still can’t comprehend that there is anything different about me, expectations I have for myself have not been adjusted. (AKA I still expect myself to be able to do everything I once was able to do even though there is evidence everywhere suggesting otherwise.) I get extremely discouraged when habits that I once had no longer exist, or when doing something “simple” takes me 5 times as long.

For the last 9 years I have tried multiple different techniques to combat these challenges. Some of the more effective were making checklists, doing things for 20 minutes, etc. But when it gets down to it, I was still taking on too much, or at least too much to make anything stick. I recently looked up how long it takes to develop a habit and I found that it takes anywhere between 3 weeks and 66 days. And in a moment of bittersweet forecasting I thought, “I’m going to have endless number of miserable 3 weeks to 66 days… but… if I initiate a habit one by one, maybe I can get my life back a little more like I want it.” Maybe that way I could make it a little less miserable – eventually. Maybe that way I can see a little bit of hope – maybe.

So I started thinking of all sorts of things in my life that I wanted to change (that are within my power) and made a list. But then I broke this list apart into charts. Each item had their own separate chart and each chart had 70 cells, 70 cells for 70 days to form a habit. Then despite every ambition within me, I told myself I was only allowed to start on ONE habit. I could still do the other things sure, but I wasn’t allowed to focus on them and try to stress about making them stick; only ONE.

I started it. I chose the one habit that I knew would help me with all the others – morning and evening daily prayer. I am on day 34 and I can confidently say that I think I’ve got a pretty decent handle on remembering prayers twice daily again. It definitely wasn’t easy to begin with, but as I focused just on prayers, and I had my chart next to my bed, it started to finally establish. I don’t know what it will look like as I begin to add more habits, but hey, I’ve got endless number of 3 weeks to 66 days.