Forgiveness Fire

 Forgiveness is not something that is easy. Forgiveness takes a lot of charity. You often feel that the offender needs to apologize in order to forgive them. But in the times that forgiveness is the most necessary, that apology will never come. There is this misconception that forgiveness benefits the other person, when I guarantee you, it will benefit yourself far, far more. 

Over the course of my recovery, I have had hundreds (literally) of people who have wronged me, betrayed me, abandoned me, retaliated against me for no fault of Shannon's own. Yes, the TBI has likely hurt them, but that's the nature of a traumatic brain injury, unfortunately. What makes things even worse, they were told that my personality would change post-accident if they knew me before, I cautioned them about some of the struggles of living with a TBI if they didn't, etc. But each and every time, people walk out of my life with not so much as a goodbye. If it was only a few people, it might not be as bad, right? But when it has been a consistent pattern for over a decade, it is traumatizing and causes PTSD, or PTRD. Of course, you'd say, what's the common denominator? Me, of course. But, is it really? Or is it the TBI, something that I have no control over at times....

So, over the years I have had to develop a standard towards forgiveness. In the first couple of years, it was extremely difficult because I still believed that if you forgave someone, that it meant that the way that they hurt you would become negligible to the Lord. And especially if these teenagers didn't know how badly they had hurt me, then who would? How would they ever find out? I need some sort of restitution from them. It doesn't have to be anything big, just acknowledgement, and "let's be friends again," would be enough. But if they seriously don't think they did anything wrong, and I let it go, how are they ever going to do that? And trust me, as many times as I've had to forgive the same person over and over, there are days unbeknownst to me that they pop up in my head and it hurts all over again. After months of struggling with this, about 8 years ago, I finally came to the realization that forgiveness is NOT condoning their behavior. Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. Forgiveness is simply giving all of the pain that you've been holding on to with all your might away. You are giving it to the Lord so that He can, in His perfect wisdom - and perfect understanding of YOU - offer perfect justice. It was never our place to judge. He only wants us to be happy, and we cannot do that while holding on to pain that someone else has caused us. 

Like I have mentioned numerous times, this grieving process happens to me on a very regular basis. In one of my recent posts I also mentioned that the "What a Great Change" post (I didn't link it here because I'm sick of how many reads it has) has turned into a devastating loss and full of much turmoil. This loss was worse than most others, but I was ready to get rid of it. So, I collected everything I had of his, wrote down why it was significant and why it had hurt me for far too long, and my family started a fire. Then we ceremoniously burned it all. I have been nervous about sharing it publicly because he called the cops on me for something I didn't do a week or so prior to the burning event. However, with respect to this post, I hope I can. Burn, Cody, Burn!

One of my favorite parts that is not caught on camera, (along with the shirt of his I burned and stuff) is that my sister, Tonya and my niece, Gabi ran inside and wrote down some names of people that they needed to forgive. Both of these sweet girls function at about 7 years old (Tonya has disabilities and Gabi is 7). They wrote down names of people who were mean to them. They came back outside and said something along the lines of "I hate you xxx! Goodbye!" And we had a small but wonderful discussion about how we can just let go of people who have hurt us. Heavenly Father can deal with that. 😀 It was so sweet. Then we had a major dance party with all sorts of songs starting of course with, Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift.

#GiveThanks

 The prophet's message to spread gratitude sounded simple. I have been trying to practice more gratitude ever since President Eyring's talk in 2007, "O Remember, Remember." It has obviously been more of a struggle after the accident, so I have prayed to see His hand in my life more frequently and be a little more grateful more consistently. However, despite all of the challenges that I go through, this attitude blinded me from seeing the struggles the #givethanks posts might have for other people. 

What I failed to understand was that this year has been a NEW challenge to the vast majority of the world. I failed to remember that sometimes the only thing you can think of to be grateful for is to be alive, but you're not even grateful for that. I was blinded by my self-centered thinking, asking, "how can anyone NOT be grateful?" which is unfortunately something that happens because of the brain damage. But, because of said brain damage, I have learned so many things that we all take for granted. 

I am grateful for a body that works. Yes, it does not work like it once did, but it still works. I can still eat - chewing - not needing everything to be put through a blender. I can still walk - I had to relearn and I cannot run, but I can walk. I can breathe, on my own. I can drink - plain water!! I don't need everything to be thickened (so disgusting). My digestive system does not like to work though, and I cannot lose weight no matter how much I diet or exercise. My interior muscles (the ones that you can't exactly exercise but are vitally important) are especially weak and cause all sorts of issues for me. While my sleep still absolutely sucks, I can sleep and oh how grateful I am for any amount of sleep I get. I am grateful that we found something that my skull would not continue creating holes in thus forcing me to wear a helmet for the rest of my life. I am grateful to have a jaw that finally closes, even though I still grind my teeth like crazy and have a lot of jaw problems. I am grateful to know how to solve a TBIgraine when they come - because they are painful beyond belief. More importantly, I am grateful for nerve endings that work so that I can feel pain, a warning sign. My shoulder blades and back are in constant pain, okay actually all of my muscles are in constant pain. But I am grateful that our bodies can gain a heightened pain tolerance AND grateful for my neuromuscular therapists. I am super grateful for my physical therapist who takes the time to help me strengthen areas that I need help with - especially because there are SO many and we are continually finding more!

I am grateful for a brain that still works. Yep, there is a lot of damage to it, but because of that damage, it also inspired me to start learning about the brain, and oh how excited I get every time I talk about the brain! It took me a long time to get to the place that I'm at now, but I've gradually gotten here. It took me hours in weeks to relearn how to write in a straight line. It took a long time, with far too many breaks to relearn how to do simple addition. It took me a long time to remember how to type a cognizant paragraph, but look at where I am today! I am so grateful for brains that are so resilient. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have about the brain, even though if I can't apply it, it's too hard to retain. My thalamus for example, was severely impacted, so I have a really hard time separating incoming senses. Like yesterday, there were so many noises on the road that I couldn't hear the sirens of an ambulance until it was very close. Because I cannot filter out the noises (or sights, or tastes, or smells, or touches) that are not important. However, I am grateful that I was able to eventually recognize the ambulance and stay out of its way. I used to be quick in speaking, I was a very established debater after all! But now it takes me far too long to process information in a simple conversation. This is why I do much better in writing. 

I am eternally grateful for a spirit that still lives inside of me. It is extra difficult because I cannot communicate with my Father in Heaven the way that I used to. I do not feel the comfort that I once did. I struggle because I feel like this is one of the connections that were severed. But, I have a sure and true testimony that my Savior lives. He loves me to the end. He will stand by my side today and everyday. He understands me far better than I know myself. He gets the TBI and the difference between TBI and Shannon. When I don't know, He always does. The Holy Spirit will guide and direct you if you simply ask in faith. It is a huge struggle, especially for me because I don't often feel it, but I have to find it in the small and simple things. For in the small and simple things will great things come to pass. I don't know what exactly this path is but I am grateful to be on it because I know that it is God's path for me. And God knows exactly what will take me to the most promised land. 

Finally, this world is full of twists and turns and we can make what we want of it. We can choose to see the best or the worst. We can find something to be unhappy about, I think that my paragraphs above have articulated that. But we can also find the joy in the little things, the things that we do have. We should remember that we are not entitled to anything. The only thing that the Lord just gave the brother of Jared was how to sustain life, He made him really work for the nicer things (even just light). The only thing that God promised us is a body and agency, that's it, everything else is a gift. We should all be grateful for everything else that we have. #givethanks

Stress on Steroids

Ever since the start of the pandemic, stress levels have risen dramatically. People's normal lives being disrupted has created much unsettling. The crazy thing is like I said in the beginning, social isolation is nothing new to me. 

Even the symptoms of COVID-19 are literally nothing in comparison to everyday life with a traumatic brain injury. Anyone who suffers with a TBI knows the extremes of fatigue - for no apparent reason. We also know the feeling of muscle aches and pains. We know headaches worse than anything else (the first time I got a TBI headache I went to the emergency room lol). Anyone who knows me knows that I know weird random chills all day every day therefore can never know if I have a fever! I also have persistent stuffiness. And anyone with a traumatic brain injury knows the stomach pains and we have the taste/smell symptoms worse - everything is increased to the point that the smallest smell or taste can overwhelm our system entirely. 

So, I'm sick of people complaining about all these symptoms and talking about how terrible their lives are when they have no idea how easy they have it - this is not their everyday, there will be an end to these symptoms, and their symptoms are only a baby taste into my everyday life. 

Then, the black lives matter riots began. This created a lot more stress in the air. "Black lives matter!" "All lives matter!" "George Floyd, Breonna Taylor!" "Defund the police!" Shootings for no reason. Stealing, breaking buildings, etc. The tension heightened. 

Possibly the most critical election in human history. Super. Even more interesting, after listening to awesome people like Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens, my political side has been (re-) awakened. Being in debate all throughout high school, I love talking about politics with others. Which is difficult for multiple reasons; first because I don't have many people to talk to period, second because the current political state is so controversial that anything you say can and will likely be taken personally and third because not being able to talk to people about something I'm passionate about just further devalues my sense of self. 

Relationships have taken a grave toll. The man that made my life so much brighter in late 2016 has now made my life much darker. Many of my close friends randomly went AWOL. 

I've been learning things about my body. Things that I literally cannot change. It is so freaking frustrating! But what's even more frustrating is that it only adds more stress, especially every time I look in the mirror, I take a picture or I change clothes. 

I have so many things on my list of to-dos. One of which for the last few MONTHS has been to write this post. There is an extreme amount of stress just in the air today, let alone the kind of stress involved in my personal life. The kinds of things that stress does to the human body are terrible, absolutely terrible. It causes cell damage, brain deterioration, inflammation, anxiety levels to rise dramatically, depression to sink even lower, among other things. Now, for someone with a brain injury, as with everything else, it is amplified dramatically and even exponentially. I begin to become crippled, spinning in my own negative thoughts. My progress halts and even starts to regress. Then I beat up on myself even more, and the stress gains, and the spiral continues. I cannot even begin to describe the stress complex. But, I tried, after a few long months. 

Shannon as a Temple

This was how I celebrated my birthday this year. Here is my speech. 

As a 16-year-old, my life was beautiful. Of course I had struggles, but I knew where to turn when I was feeling overwhelmed, anxious, lost, sad, or alone. Growing up with two sisters with disabilities, being so much younger than the first 2/3 of my family, always expecting myself to be the absolute perfect child, paired with my intolerance for peers to be left alone, to struggle – academically, emotionally or spiritually, and wanting to bring everyone back to the fold of Christ, you can imagine how often those feelings would occur. Yet somehow, I loved my life. I had a zest for everything and I couldn’t wait for the next thing to happen – even when it would cause extreme anxiety.  

 I believe the only way that any of that could be the case is because of my eternal perspective and my love for the Savior. I had an excellent, righteous plan for my future. I was going to graduate high school, get my bachelors degree before I was eligible to serve a mission and then serve a full-time mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. I was so excited. This was me. This is me. I am the kind of person who works hard in school (maybe I need to mention that I was getting 4.0s all throughout high school) and I am a missionary. I want all of Heavenly Father’s children to realize their potential in the light of Christ with the most joy beyond any of our understanding. This. Is. Me. So when this was taken away from me 2 weeks before the end of my Junior year, I was PISSED.  

In the beginning, I couldn’t understand why I was unable to do simple tasks anymore and why I got overly exhausted all the time. By the time I finally began to understand that this was my new life, I got really angry. In my head, I was still capable of doing everything I once could. Besides that, why would God want to take away such a wonderful plan from me? So while I never denied His existence, I believed whole-heartedly that He did not care about me.  

 I kept trying though. I had a deep-rooted testimony and I was determined to be able to cling to it once again. There are a few things that one must be steadfast and immovable in to be able to stand strong when life hits you hard. I imagine these are different for each person, but there are 3 things that I have done that have saved my life – both spiritually and physically. The first is simple yet so fun. My music is of the most uplifting quality and I do not listen to anything else. The second is my tender mercies journal; when President Eyring suggested (in 2008) we take a moment at the end of each day to consider how the Lord has been in our lives and make note of it, I took that as a call to action and went to work on it immediately. Recording what I am grateful for each day and being able to go back and reflect on it has been extremely powerful. Finally, ever since the first day I could step foot in the temple, I made a resolution to go to a new temple at least every year on my birthday. That brings us to today.  

I haven’t felt very worthy at times. I haven’t felt very loved. I have felt very unloved. I have felt very broken. I have felt very demolished, beaten, defeated and like a pile of ashes. I have felt like the burnt tabernacle in Provo. I have felt like the destroyed Nauvoo temple. I had not ever made that correlation until I was sitting in the dedication for the Provo City Center Temple in 2016. As one of the speakers began describing the Provo City Center Temple’s history – being once sacred then burned, destroyed, having much sadness surrounding it, and then after much thought, deliberation and inquiries of the Lord deciding to make it even holier – it sounded like he was describing me. I remember shuffling through our things as the tears began, trying to find a piece of paper so that I could draw the similarities. This was it. I finally discovered why I had always had such an affinity towards the Nauvoo temple. Because I am the Nauvoo temple, just like I am the Provo City Center temple.  

Everything that I once knew was destroyed. I continue to learn that I’ve been doing all sorts of things wrong since the accident. Small things like walking, standing, or sitting, all of these things I do incorrectly. My brain couldn’t process academics the way that it always had. All of my friends walked away. My hair was shaved and even when it grew back it was growing back a darker color! So, like both temples, there wasn’t a whole lot leftover to work with. However, there was still a strong foundation of my family and my Savior. It was going to take a whole lot of work and a whole lot of time – longer than the Provo City Center but hopefully not as long as the Nauvoo temple – to get back to and holier than before.  

Let me make note that I am no where near close to being finished. I am very much in the construction stage and it feels like I’ve been pounding the same nail, for the last 10 years. However, Cherie Call often reminds me through her music, “when I feel like just a teardrop in the rain, [God] sees the ocean in me.” I have also asked some of my close friends who have been with me throughout all or almost all of the last ten years to help explain the progress that I cannot see.  

Like I mentioned earlier, it has been a tradition for me to visit a new temple on my birthday every year. Unfortunately, COVID makes that impossible. Coronavirus also destroyed the thoughts and plans I had about my 10 year anniversary earlier this year. So in lieu of both of these significant events, we decided to talk about my connection to these unique temples instead.  

Building the lego temple proved to be a long, intricate process. Even in the very beginning there were some pieces that were confusing and I didn’t understand what the point was of having them there. I later found out that those exact pieces were some of the fundamental foundation pieces to hold the insides together. But, despite having placed them exactly where the plan had said to, when I put pressure on them, many of them still collapsed. Building the Provo City Center temple lego set reinforced the similarities with my life. Friends, academics, extracurricular activities, dreams, plans, etc. had all been put exactly where they were supposed to be, yet when pressure was applied, they collapsed. Unfortunately, my life isn’t as easy as picking up the lego piece and replacing it.  

As I began the roof, I noticed something wasn’t quite right. So I had to back track a number of steps. This reminds me of just about everything I have to do now. For example, I used to play all sorts of musical instruments, I was a fast speaking debater, I loved calculus, rollerblading was my outlet, so on and so forth. In order to rollerblade again, I had to regain balance. In order to play any instrument, at the most basic level, I had to go back and learn where middle C is. I still can’t speak fast or do advanced calculus but you understand what I’m saying.  

My spiritual connection was one among many things that was severed in my accident. It is very hard for me to feel His spirit or know that what I am doing is in accordance with His will. Because of this and many other symptoms regarding my traumatic brain injury, I ask for priesthood blessings like it’s nobody’s business. This is something that has helped me rebuild my personal temple.  

Discovering my love for learning and my passion for the brain has also been an aid to rebuild my temple. Grieving the fact that family are the only ones that really matter has supported this construction. But finding the joy that family brings has enhanced the process. Finding ways to serve little children – whom I adore – adds stones to this temple. Serving people I’ve never met in the Philippines and bringing them to Christ, rebuilding my body and how it’s supposed to function, creating strong relationships with therapists and receptionists, living my life in the weird, contorted way that I can now, are rebuilding this temple. I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t have the master plan. I don’t know what the next step is. But I trust the one who does. It has been a long, hard ten years, and I am no where close to being the finished product, but I can firmly say that I believe in Christ. With him, come what may, because I can do anything with Him by my side.