12th Anniversary and Surgery #10

I apologize for not updating sooner. The anniversary of my accident is a significant day every year. It feels as though a wave of change, uncertainty, heartache, devastation and loss rushes through my body repeatedly on the 12th of May. This year was especially bad though because the intense nightmares, anxiety and other forms of PTSD did not stop for over a month - until I got surgery. 

While I rarely get sleep anyway, anytime I fell asleep, AT ALL, I would immediately enter into REM stage (the dreaming stage) of sleep and nightmares would thrash. Therefore, I never got to sleep for very long. I felt extremely irritable and was always frustrated with the people I love the most. 

But, on June 8th, I finally was able to go in for my 10th surgery. Honestly, I was so excited for this surgery. But less because of the actual procedure and more for the experience. From my previous surgeries, I had associated surgery with anesthesia, being cared for all the time by nurses in the hospital, having persistent intense pain killers, no expectations for when you'd "be better," etc. Unfortunately, this was not the case at all.

Surgery #10 was to go in and actually lift my eyebrows so that I could see. My eyebrows were so low that it was impeding my vision. Apparently, I had also exercised those eyebrows to the point where the technician said that my eyebrows were really strong. LoL 

The surgeon that we had talked to only about 6 weeks prior was incredible. I had talked to many different doctors about how troublesome my eyes were, but they were all dismissive. This is why a 10th surgery may seem out of the blue for those close to me. I've had this issue for years, but no one ever thought it was a real issue until we met this doctor who specializes in eye reconstructive surgeries of a few different types. He had expressed knowledge of the same issues/frustrations that I experience when we met with him the first time. He also said that taking any tissue from my eyelids would only make the problem worse. (Couldn't agree more!) So, when I learned of incisions made on my eyelids, I was devastated, thinking for a time that he forgot who I was and the surgery he was supposed to be preforming. However, I came to learn that when they went in to lift the brows, they learned that the levator aponuerosis - the tendon that lifts your eyelids was not attached. So, they decided to make a second incision to be able to attach it. 

 

Overall, I still can't say much about the surgery because I'm still very much healing. It is quite amazing to see my eyes though. And I look so awake!! Like day after surgery, I get up to pee, look in the mirror and I say to myself, "what? I am not that awake!!" Nightmares thank heavens went away, but they were replaced by agonizing pain that prevented me from being able to fall asleep. That was the case from probably 2 days after the surgery to about 6 or 7 days. I still struggle with all of the normal stuff, but at least I'm not having nightmares or post-traumatic triggers on an hourly basis. 

(p.s. I know this post is not written as well as most of my others, sorry!)