Be Happy!

     Today is a weird day for me. I've been trying to follow my own advice; tell yourself to be happy. I found a passage in an old journal that talks about how if you wake up in the morning and decide that you are going to be happy, you will be. Despite the things that happen to/around you. Despite the misery that besets your world. Despite all of these things, if you wake up, tell yourself you are going to be happy, and ask God to help you do that, you can be happy. So I've been trying to take my own advice.
     I've noticed that when you tell yourself to be happy, you have a much more kind, loving spirit about you. I will let pedestrians and other drivers go when I don't need to. I will give more compliments to people - even strangers. I find more good in life. I am a much happier person. One of the challenges I've set for myself and I'm going to encourage any of you to accept this challenge as well, is when I see someone, I look them in the eye and I smile at them. And not just the awkward 'I don't have anything to say' smile, but a real, genuine smile. I don't know if it does any good for anyone else, but it reminds me that I am trying to be a happier, more positive individual. (Say Love Hilary Weeks, More Than Enough Cherie Call) It reminds me that I am blessed and it's a good day to have a good day. (It's a Good Day by Hilary Weeks) The song that helps me the most to have this attitude before I walk into school is See the Light by Jericho Road.
     I'm trying to be a light; an example of the believers. I don't very often do a very good job, but I figure that if I bring yet one soul unto Christ.... D&C 18:16 - "...if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!" This is my mission. It has been since (at least) the accident. I didn't always know this, but I testify that God has a plan for each and every one of His children. We may not be able to see it, but it's there, I promise. Look for His hand in your life every day and I promise you, you will find it. He loves you, but what an understatement of His feelings for us, for you specifically!
     Remember to be grateful for His presence. As you express your gratitude, He spills more blessings upon you. However, I will not deny those of you who are struggling. I am a testament that you may not feel Him, you may not feel His blessings, you may not think He cares about you, but what you need to do is this: forget about your timing, it sucks, but the Lord has perfect timing, things will come to pass in His time. And His blessings aren't always the way you would like them to be. (Don't you dare for a second think that things have even begun to shape out the way that I want them to. Nor should you think that I'm receiving blessings like crazy.) Just look at every day and express gratitude for whatever you can. I still can't say that I'm grateful to be alive, I'm not grateful for the air I breathe. But I am eternally grateful for the parents I have. There are so many things I have to be grateful for.
     Like many things I write, I don't know if this is even worthwhile. But I hope that maybe what I've expressed will touch someone out there, and they will learn that true happiness comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ. If nothing else, I hope that I can touch one person's soul and remind them that the Almighty God cares about them. I don't know who all will read this post, but I can hope that maybe I can help someone struggling.

One Hard Month

     Well this month has been a super hard one. Besides the usual low motivation, questioning whether I make a difference, struggle to do anything, etc... there have also been so many changes that my brain cannot take anymore. Change is difficult for any homosapien. That difficulty is multiplied and magnified a zillion times over if you have a traumatic brain injury. I started school again. Biggest mistake, I don't care what anyone says, it's still a mistake. I got a new roommate, who does everything to irritate me.  I'm still trying to go to the gym every day. I'm trying to keep up on exercises that Dr. Hatch has given me, and everyone gets super upset with me when I fail to do so. But that which might give me the worst problems, the most headaches, and the greatest lag throughout the day is my awful nightmares.
     The worst part is that my "nightmares" are not nightmares in anyone else's book. But to me, they are so painful, so devastating, that it makes it hard for me to move forward. These dreams are typically some sort of group of some of my old friends. We are having fun, everyone loves each other, specifically me, and life is good. Life is beautiful. Things have not changed even though I have a TBI. I am still accepted and loved. When I wake up, even for just a quarter of a second, I'm awakened to the fact that my life will never be that way. None of my old friends even want anything to do with me. I'm alone as ever and I always will be. I know, it's not making sense. I'm trying. Even when the dreams are like this, I still find myself waking up with my jaw clenched super tight. It's like my subconscious wants things to go back that way so bad but it also knows that it will never happen. So I wake up with an excruciating headache, super depressed and I have to get up to go to school. Then when I get up, the apartment will smell funny, or I'll walk into the kitchen and there won't be any space to put anything. My apartment is filthy all the time now and it makes my brain feel filthy. But I can't sort through anything when I'm feeling like this.
     I swear, I have a constant headache - a TBI headache, it's not your average headache, it's SOOO much worse - I'm constantly in a state of extremely painful nostalgia, my life is a constant disaster, no one understands, very few even try, and I don't have any thing to do with my godforsaken life.