Well this month has been a super hard one. Besides the usual low motivation, questioning whether I make a difference, struggle to do anything, etc... there have also been so many changes that my brain cannot take anymore. Change is difficult for any homosapien. That difficulty is multiplied and magnified a zillion times over if you have a traumatic brain injury. I started school again. Biggest mistake, I don't care what anyone says, it's still a mistake. I got a new roommate, who does everything to irritate me. I'm still trying to go to the gym every day. I'm trying to keep up on exercises that Dr. Hatch has given me, and everyone gets super upset with me when I fail to do so. But that which might give me the worst problems, the most headaches, and the greatest lag throughout the day is my awful nightmares.
The worst part is that my "nightmares" are not nightmares in anyone else's book. But to me, they are so painful, so devastating, that it makes it hard for me to move forward. These dreams are typically some sort of group of some of my old friends. We are having fun, everyone loves each other, specifically me, and life is good. Life is beautiful. Things have not changed even though I have a TBI. I am still accepted and loved. When I wake up, even for just a quarter of a second, I'm awakened to the fact that my life will never be that way. None of my old friends even want anything to do with me. I'm alone as ever and I always will be. I know, it's not making sense. I'm trying. Even when the dreams are like this, I still find myself waking up with my jaw clenched super tight. It's like my subconscious wants things to go back that way so bad but it also knows that it will never happen. So I wake up with an excruciating headache, super depressed and I have to get up to go to school. Then when I get up, the apartment will smell funny, or I'll walk into the kitchen and there won't be any space to put anything. My apartment is filthy all the time now and it makes my brain feel filthy. But I can't sort through anything when I'm feeling like this.
I swear, I have a constant headache - a TBI headache, it's not your average headache, it's SOOO much worse - I'm constantly in a state of extremely painful nostalgia, my life is a constant disaster, no one understands, very few even try, and I don't have any thing to do with my godforsaken life.