Over the last few months, while it may appear I haven't been doing anything, I have actually been rolling many, many new processes. Each time I begin to have a new insight, I feel like I probably need to update the blog, but then either something else interrupts, or I realize I have only opened the floodgates and there is still a whole lot more computation coming. So this post will be very raw, very real, and very unpolished but I'm posting to express that there is still SO much growth continuing to happen in this little brain of mine.
A few months ago, (I hope to have a future post that will explain it much better), I was able to finally make the connection as to why I can't "remember" anything shortly after the accident. It's not that I merely cannot remember, it's that even at the time, I was not understanding anything that was happening. For a little over 2 years, I was still unaware that an accident had truly, in all reality, taken my life and chopped me into a million pieces, and spit me back out expecting me to manage the world just fine. It was HORRID.
All of this vulnerability (not understanding anything going on) and my great, loving heart has not been so kind to me. Even before the accident, I would see the best in people and disregard everything negative. I was taken advantage of in far less detrimental ways even before the injury. However, when I could not understand anything, after I felt hurt and betrayal and I still refuse to allow anyone to feel that way on my behalf, I've been taken advantage of BAD. Not only during that time, but continually. I still love others and the last thing I want is for them to experience the kind of pain that I have. And I also have a lot of PTSD triggers now. So I will bend over backwards for people who will absolutely and entirely discard me in a very short time period. I did not even know that I did this until about 3 weeks ago!!! I knew that people were terrible to me when all I did was love them, but I didn't know that this was a consistent problem I've had for years. I finally stood up to someone who was abusive. I continually had to remind myself that I was showing myself that I was proving that I loved ME.
Recently, I've also been more owning of my emotions, relationships, and actions. Instead of using verbiage like "you betrayed me," or "you didn't explain that," I've changed my tone to "I felt betrayed when this happened," and "I didn't understand what you meant." Not only is it helpful in relationships, but it has given me a sense of power, self worth.
Similar to what I posted recently, yet expounding upon it, I have come to appreciate where people originate. I have no idea where I would ever possibly be had I come from any different circumstances. Neither do you. Just because I have had one set of standards and truth my entire life, does not mean that you have. Just because you graduated high school experience you don't talk to most of those friends anymore does not mean that we can relate in that way at all. Each person is tried according to where they started in life. It's not simply about "how much they can handle" like I've always been taught, but also about where they started.
Another thing I have wrapped my head around recently is that I am a very deep thinker. I think more eternal, more elemental, root causal, spiritual, etc. than most. I don't want to know simply the 'what,' but also the 'why' and the 'how.' This creates a lot of further investigation and research work when I think of a simple question. It also has caused me to ask a lot of questions, even as a very young child. What I didn't know is that people were questioning my understanding and knowledge of things (like the gospel) because of these deep questions. They could not see that I was not doubting the truth, but trying to understand, for example; God's motive, or why a limit (in calculus) can use the same formula as the one for finding the derivative. This creates a lot of cognitive work/effort therefore causing an excess of cognitive fatigue - especially when I have a brain injury! Brain injuries are significantly known for their impact on cognitive fatigue, given the increase of senses, decrease of filters, decrease in energy, increase of effort it takes to do otherwise simple things, etc. This is something that I very, very much struggle with however because even though I may know that I'm thinking deeper, and that it takes a critical toll on my energy and resources, I have also always been extremely driven. I always want to be doing 100 different things and excelling at all of them.
This is one of the things that has been so extremely hard. I've been trying to trudge through it for the last (nearly) 12 years. How am I supposed to accept me not doing 100%??? How am I supposed to accept the down days that I have to take when I'm extremely overwhelmed and all hell has broken loose? How am I supposed to accept that this Shannon is not the Shannon I had always prepared myself to be? This is grief that I don't think I'll EVER get through. Yes, some days I'm nicer to myself, but most of the time, I still have to face the reality that I am not who I think I am. I am not who I think I should be, who I could be, who I would be if... if... if... So yes, this is why I cannot stop talking about my accident, why I cannot stop reliving my past; because every single second of every single day I have to deal with the heartache of all that I had, all that I would have, all that I no longer have the ability of attaining.
Everyone in my past got to say goodbye to the Shannon they once knew. Everyone except for me. It's a terrible, terrible thing and something that you simply cannot understand unless you go through it. I've tried to explain it multiple times and each time it has fallen on deaf ears. I finally, for the first time in 12 years, wrote a letter to little Shannon. It was the hardest thing to do. I literally feel like pieces of me is being ripped out from me as I write it, as I read it, and every time I think about it again. Trying to say goodbye to yourself is the hardest thing to do. Like I mentioned earlier, it's something that others just cannot understand unless they have been through something so traumatic that they need to say goodbye to their younger self. For this reason, I won't say more about it unless anyone asks.
Finally, probably because of my deep thinking nature, I learn best, I do the most therapy, I figure things out the most when I am the one doing the talking/thinking/directing. When I process the information (sometimes aloud) the puzzle pieces fit together in my head far better than when someone else does it for me. Especially because the kinds of things that people often say are rudimentary answers that don't address the core of the issue. I NEED to address the core. Yes, this may mean it will take more time. Yes, it may be frustrating. But ask my parents or my counselors, it is much more rewarding when you watch me figure it out for myself, in my own way, in my truth, in my life.
