Lost All Hope

 Since the holiday break, I have been a total mess. My anxiety has been through the roof. Nightmares have been constant, and worse and worse. Therefore sleep barely happens and when it does it's anything but restful. I have given up on so many things in life. I've given up on having a head/face that is in any way, shape or form normal. I've given up on having a body that actually works. I've given up on the chance of ever finding love or even a friendship that will last very long. Heck, even having many friends that won't later give me more abandonment issues. I've given up ever feeling happy or just not anxious. I've lost hope. I've given up the idea that the second coming is right around the corner, which is where all of my hope came from. I've given up the idea of ever looking or at least feeling beautiful. I've been forced to give up all of my hopes and dreams and attempt to create new ones. Cautiously I'd try. But I have no hope in anything at all anymore. 

I released the podcast hoping it would give me a sense of purpose; feeling like I could help someone. I know that none of the episodes so far would do that, but I have been stifled and unable to produce anything since right before the holidays. What is currently being released was pre-recorded. I can't seem to find it within myself to finish a script. I can't finish anything. 

I don't want to do anything. I haven't felt this low in a very, very long time. And I don't know how to pick myself up from this one. When I have been this low before, I didn't have as clear of a head on my shoulders. I thought that suicide was the answer. I know now that wouldn't solve anything, and would only make things worse for those I love. I had backup supports, medications, things I enjoyed, etc. But those things are gone, no longer work, or are no longer enjoyable. I don't have a prescription for this one. I've learned (the hard way) what to do every other time. But this time, today, for the last month, I just don't. 

And My Journey Continues

As the persistent readers of this blog know, I have been blessed to be extraordinarily high functioning for the trauma that I sustained. Particularly blessed in both my intellect as well as my self awareness. Unfortunately, the increased awareness and knowledge makes the loss and grief more painful. I do not believe that this was from the magnificence of medicine, nor by mere accident. But rather through a God of miracles with a specific plan and purpose for specifically me. 

Before my accident, I had a mindset of "why not me?" When life hit me hard, I would think about how I was able to handle the challenges with strength, maintain my testimony of the Gospel, and gain the ability to provide empathy for others. In no way did it change the difficulty, but rather it provided perspective and longsuffering. The accident changed that for me however. I felt that I had been dealt a hand that was far too hard. Yet over the years, as I've continued to grieve, to grow, to learn, to receive priesthood blessings, to ponder, to synergize thoughts with others, etc. I have slowly but surely began to return bit by bit to that mindset. I am still not fully there again, but I have felt strength as others go through something challenging and I can often respond with true compassion, love, and suggestions based on my unique real life experience. 

I have a real passion for loving and helping others, which is a huge struggle with a TBI. Because of the brain injury, helping people in any "normal" capacity is beyond my limitations. So, being able to help others in empathy, compassion, and suggestions through their own difficulties is the best way I have found to fulfil that desire. After observing this pattern in myself and trying to create some sort of alternative way to increase that fulfilment, I decided to start a podcast. 

The podcast will be called "After You've Fallen." My desire is to provide coping skills, managing techniques, and insights to a myriad of challenges an individual can face. I have endured through some extremely difficult physical, mental, emotional, sexual, social, and cognitive issues, and I am still going through them. I wish to connect with others to make them feel like they are not alone, and there is always hope. I have just begun to appreciate the fact that I have been dealing with the post-brain-injury effects for 12+ years. I have recognized that I have learned ways to combat many difficulties that others struggle with for the first time. 

Please share this podcast with others you might know. I do not expect every episode to relate to everyone. But, there might be one or two episodes in particular that can reach someone in a dark place. I'm going to be releasing this podcast on (I think) every podcast forum as well as on "After You've Fallen" YouTube. There is an official Instagram page that I'll be updating with each new episode. The first episode will be released on the 9th of January and it will be giving a little bit of background and some of what's in store for future episodes. The second episode will actually be on Thursday the 12th, telling the story of the accident. After that, each episode will be every Monday. Join me on the journey next week!