Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder - PTRD

I believe that I can be very intelligent sometimes. I believe that these times occur more often when I do what I am doing now - working through the pain. In my neuropsychology appointment yesterday, I walked through the damage that past relationships have caused me. These relationships have been very traumatic, and I fear will harm all my future relationships. Hence, the title, Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder.
I cannot feel like anyone loves/likes me for me. One could assume that this is because virtually all the relationships I had before the accident vanished. In regards to my peers, perhaps they were used to a constant give, never take from me and when I started to need something they ran. Truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter, I just don't have the capability to feel loved. Because of my relationships before and after the accident, I have a very negative view on relationships in regard to myself. People seem to leave me very quickly, whatever I do or do not do. So I step into each relationship very skeptically.
Not only does the negative aspect infringe on relationships, but I feel like my lack of feeling could possibly demise future relationships. For example, if you are building a friendship with someone and it should be blooming, but the other person just seems to hold you back, then why would you stay friends with them? I've been shattered far too many times to hope a relationship would work. It is not something that I can just tell myself to change. It is as real as PTSD.

Welcome, Year 2015

 I am not in school right now. I do not have a job right now. I am not pursuing a job right now. I am not planning on going back to school. In the world's eye, I am a lazy, piece of crap who is not doing anything with her life. The population says that I need to either be working, or studying something to make me a better worker. Even the government who knows that I have shortcomings due to my TBI wants me to be doing way more school than I'm even capable or working full time. But to my Heavenly Father and me, we are going to work way harder on making me a better, stronger, more resilient person this year than ever before.

 I am pleased to report that I have never worked as hard at recovery over this TBI as I am right now. While I was in the hospital, I jumped as far as physical recovery. When I initially went back to school, I jumped as far as cognitive recovery. But I have never even given myself the chance to emotionally recover. If you are emotionally broken, you can't do anything very effectively; and I don't know about anyone else's injuries, but I know that my injury caused a great deal of emotional heartbreak that will require a great deal of recovery. The hardest part is that everything I do is somehow tied back to the injury and says “you can’t do this anymore,” which is something that I have to deal with every single day. So it’s not just emotional recovery immediately after the injury, it’s baggage that consistently grows. I’ve decided that I need to work my way through this part, as hard as it is, so that I can continue to move forward in life without so many weights holding me down.

This is one of the hardest, most draining – even physically – things to deal with at times. I’ve only been focused on this for a month and I’m already constantly exhausted. But I still have so much work to do. I’m having so many struggles with many aspects in my life and different recognitions. I’ll (hopefully) continue to write more about these things. But, I guess the only thing that I can say at this point, is Bring it On 2015!

Heartbreaking Life

Scene 1:
I've been hanging out with this friend for a few years and he suddenly won't talk to me. I start to ask one of his friends questions and he texts me. So I said, "What did I do?"
"You bug the shit out of me."
Scene 2:
We liked each other in junior high, and we were the absolute best of friends. Before he left on his mission, we talked about how great it would be to see all of our old friends again, returned with honor. I went to his homecoming, wishing to welcome him with all my heart; but he never even acknowledged my existence.
Scene 3:
We were great friends in high school debate. Even though her parents didn't want her around me because of my "spiritual influence," we were still together quite often. In fact, I was there for her, and I walked her out of thoughts of suicide. I saw her at the school earlier this semester, and I needed to do a project on someone from a different country, so I asked her if I could interview her. She agreed, but never returned a phone call or text.
Scene 4:
I met someone and less than 24 hours went by before he said that I "annoyed him to the point of no return."
Scene 5:
In a matured mindset, I wrote a letter to an old boyfriend, explaining that it hurts me more than one can possibly imagine that I don't know what happened between us. I apologized for anything and everything I had ever done that has ever hurt him. I did not ask him to become my friend again, I did not ask him to like me again, I did not ask him to forgive me, I only asked him to acknowledge that he had received my email. That acknowledgement never came.
Scene 6:
I don't like to pick favorites (or bests) but if you look at how often we spent time together, this person has to be my best friend all throughout high school. I was there for her in ways that any typical person would think absurd. Parents divorce, health issues, step-parents, familial suicides, other girl issues, financial struggles, friends, the list goes on. But when I needed her, where was she? She found a new best friend. And now, she won't communicate with me, no matter what.
Scene 7:
My first class back in school was Social Work. You'd think that this would be a great place to meet people who truly care, who want to stay friends, right? Wrong. Or at least wrong in my case. In my defense, he did stay friends with me for about a semester after social work class ended. But then, he was sick of me too. I'd call and ask if I could stop by and say hello, his response was always, "NO."
Scene 8:
I met a very attractive young man classic skating. He told me that he wanted to see me again and he started writing me letters. It was truly adorable. Then he began making excuses, excuses that I believed for a while. Excuses for why we couldn't write anymore, or why he couldn't meet me for this date or whatever.
Scene 9:
I am still hurt by one boy, and his father, and his stake president, every single day. Every single day, it hurts to think that I'm not good enough. Not just that I'm not good enough for this one boy, not just that I'm not good enough to his dad, a bishop, or stake president. Although I know that it's not true, these people have en-graven the feeling that I'm not good enough for my Heavenly Father.
Scene 10:
Finding a friend, boy or girl, who actually cares about me. Someone who will truly be there for me through thick and thin. Someone who will let me care about them. Someone who loves me no matter what. This scenario hasn't happened. The hope for this one gets dimmer each and every time I interact with someone because of the previous scenes I've outlined and so many others just like them.

To say the least, I've gotten far too used to being ignored, avoided, or even blocked by the people I care deeply about. To anyone who has demolished me from their life, I have something that I would like to say:
I am so incredibly sorry. It breaks my heart knowing that my existence in your life was disgusting enough for you to discard of me forever. I wish I could stop pestering everyone, including myself with my presence. Whether you want this or not, I'll never forget you. I love you, I always have, and unlike you, I actually can say with absolutely no doubt that I always will.

Raw Emotion Behind Music

I live by music. This actually really sucks at times. For the most part, any song that came out before May 12, 2010 reminds me of my life before the accident. Somehow music ruptures my soul in that case, by saying "your life was so, so great then and now you can't stand yourself." It's yet one more thing that is completely beyond my control. There are also some songs that sing about the past, that ache. Those that describe people leaving touch me especially. Because for me, it's not just one person, not even one group of friends, but everyone that left me.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me. I miss the taste of a sweeter life; I miss the conversation. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while. I like to think that we had it all. We drew a map to a better place. But on that road I took a fall, oh baby, why did you run away? Even though going on with you gone still upsets me, there are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay. But that's not what gets me. What hurts the most is being so close. I was there for you in your darkest times, I was there for you in your darkest nights. And having so much to say, and watching you walk away; never knowing what could have been. But I wonder where were you? When I was at my worst, down on my knees, and you said you had my back, so I wonder where were you? While you couldn't see that loving you was all that I was trying to do. It's hard to deal with the pain of loosing you everywhere I go, but I'm doing it. I hear your voice in my sleep at night, hard to resist temptation, 'cause something strange has come over me. And now I can't get over you. No, I just can't get over you. It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this pain. But I know if I could do it over, I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken. What hurts the most is being so close. I was there for you in your darkest times, I was there for you in your darkest nights. And having so much to say, and watching you walk away, never knowing what could have been.  While you couldn't see that loving you was all that I was trying to do.
Like I said in a couple posts ago, I realize now that I was just a jerk. I realize that I am the most annoying frickin' person when you meet me now. But that doesn't change the fact that all I ever try to do, is love you. All of you. It so often feels like I socially did die. Yet at the same time I have to continue living with myself every stinking day.

Seattle, 21, and Bobbie Lee

I went out to Seattle couple weekends ago to see my brother, Nathan, his family and Brian Regan.

My nephew, Gus and I

Even though I only got to stay there Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday morning, it was still a lot of fun. I love my nieces and nephew so stinking much.They had fun playing with their Aunty Shanny, and I with them. The other thing that really impacted me a lot on this trip was my brother. My mom has been sending emails to my family after neuropsychologist sessions explaining some of the things that she has learned about traumatic brain injuries. It meant a lot to me to see how much my brother had been reading them and really tried to apply all of these things to his interactions with me. For example, when I get too fatigued very quickly, he realized that it was simply because I didn't have the resources to deal with everything going on. What a difference this made in my relationship with him! On Saturday evening, we had the opportunity to go see Brian Regan. Of course, I couldn't go see him and not actually see him, like backstage. So I worked it out with his secretary to see him for literally like 2 minutes sometime before the show, because he had to leave right after the show. When I did get the opportunity to see him, I felt so bad for him! He looked exhausted! He had been traveling constantly all around the country for the past several weeks without a break so I was glad that he got to go straight home after this show and take a break for like a week!
     The funny thing about all of this though, is that of all of that, probably none of that was even my favorite part of the trip. My favorite part was quite possibly getting off of the plane in Seattle and helping a sweet gentleman named Bobbie Lee. He got on the plane during the time that someone who might need a little extra time or something would get on, which is also when I got on the plane. Bobbie Lee had a walker and some luggage on his walker, so when he got to the plane, the attendants had him leave his walker and wanted him to take his luggage, but he was unable to take his luggage as well as walk without his walker. So I stepped up and grabbed all of his bags. One of the ladies asked if we were traveling together and I said no, but I helped this older veteran back to his seat and put his bags in the appropriate places.
     The next little piece of the story is awesome. It's something that I felt like actually defined me, and was FINALLY a 21-year-old experience. The ladies are going through the plane serving drinks during the flight and one asks me what I would like. I look up and she recognized me. She said something to the effect of "oh, you're that sweet girl who helped that sweet gentleman! Are you 21?" "Yeah." "Can I buy you a drink?" "Oh, no, I'm okay" "Oh I'm sorry, are you not allowed to drink?" This is where I feel like it was defining. Because yeah, I could say no, I'm not. I grew up in a church that says absolutely no alcohol. But no, I chose the religion, I choose the actions, I make the choices every single day to stay true to what I believe in. Yes, I believe that alcohol is bad for you. Yes, my parents agree, but does that mean that when I am traveling on my own that I would be unable to drink, especially if it was purchased for me? Absolutely not! So I told her that I can drink, but that I just genuinely did not want anything.
     When I got off the plane, I made sure to wait until most everyone was off so that I could make sure that Bobbie Lee was well taken care of. I took his bags back to his walker and we walked out of the plane together where he then tried to call someone. That person didn't answer, and he knew he needed to get his bags and get a taxi so I decided that I would personally assist him. Somewhere along this point Nathan called me, and tried to give me multiple directions, I told him that I couldn't compute that many things, especially when I was trying to help someone else, so I would call him when I got to a certain point. This is one of those times when I saw him take in what my mom has emailed to my family. Back to Bobbie Lee. So we followed the signs to baggage claim and picked up his bag. Then we went towards the taxi place and Nathan came and ran into us! :) We dropped Bobbie Lee off at the taxi place, hoping that where he was headed knew he was coming, and we hopped on a train that took us to Nate's car then to his house.
     I felt so great. And I realized how much I need to just be in constant service. Forget about me, forget about all the pain, struggles and challenges I have to deal with, and just serve. That's the best part for me. It's how I survived before the accident (without consciously recognizing it until recently) and it's how I plan on living now.

No Longer the Victim

A lot has been turning in the little head of mine. About 2 weeks ago, I read through my old journal and it got me thinking about this pain I've been feeling for the last 4 years.

     Because of the situation I was thrown into right after my accident, I was unable to do a lot of things that I expected myself to do. I expected myself to be the life of the party, I expected myself to be the same good listening ear that I had become for dozens of people. But that was all inside; on the outside, I was dealing with so much pain, so much frustration, so much loss that my traumatically-injured-brain couldn't listen to anyone else. I literally was unable to be the person I was before, but I couldn't see it. From my single-eyed, and injured view, I thought I was the exact same person but that all my friends were treating me differently. So I got angry. (Or so I assume, I can't actually remember any of this.) I'm not trying to blame the TBI (traumatic brain injury) for everything that I did, but I'm hoping that through the explanation of it, maybe you'll be able to understand. After the TBI, I wasn't aware of how angry or how just straight up mean I was to people - quite frankly, I'm still not. Especially as friends started to fade away, I got feisty. I have been left alone for many important events in my life; I thought that it was all your fault. This was absolutely wrong. For this, to everyone who associated with me after the accident - anytime really, even now (but we'll get to more of it later) - I am sorry. I could not see what kind of person I was, no matter how many times my mom told me, not until now. I wasn't able to understand why you were being pushed out of my life. Now that I have a much clearer view, I am sorry, and I beg for your forgiveness.

     To all of the friends I tried to make after the accident, I tried my very hardest not to, but I still had expectations for what a friend should be. The worst part about this was that I desperately needed and expected a friend based on what I had known in the past. For a couple of reasons; first, because I didn't get to triumph out of high school like everyone else, or even just leave with all of your friends to say "see you around." Because of what I have been through, I didn't get that. I also expected a friend to be the kind of friend that I was - which is extremely rare. I had always been the kind of person that would sit and listen, that would psych you up if that's what you needed, I was the kind of friend that everyone desires. Because I had been that person, I had a skewed perception of the world; I thought all people thought that way. Oh how I was so wrong! Especially between high-school and young adult ages. Before my accident, I never talked to anyone else about MY problems, MY issues, but somehow afterwards, I thought that other people would treat me the way I had treated others. As all of my friends and I drifted apart, I couldn't figure out why you never messaged me, or reached out to me or anything, especially if I was doing that to you. I have not yet experienced the difference between co-worker/college relationships and high school relationships. For all of that, I am so sorry.

     Coming to this realization, learning that what used to make me whole was helping others, listening to their issues and helping them through it, and seeing how it was done before, I'm on my way to returning to that kind of a person. I'm not saying that it will happen overnight and that it won't take time, because I know it will. But I'm asking you, whoever you are, and anyone I have yet to meet, to be patient. I am trying my best to stop trying to interject myself into things that you tell me about, if you'll tell me about anything anymore. I AM NOT BLAMING YOU, I know it sounds like I am. If you can trust me, then trust that I am only trying to come to terms with my own terrible behavior. I want to become more like the person I was before. I want to have that selfless attitude in all of my actions with my fellow men. I am trying to do this. However, because of the TBI things get overwhelming and I get maxed out much, much easier. So I will tell you right now that during times when there are a lot of stressors in my life, I will not, because I cannot be so great at forgetting about myself. So please, accept this apology, and give me another chance, you know I would.

     There are some things that were not taken from me in the accident. One of those things is my true endearing love for each one of you. I will not be the victim in my own destiny. Yes, I went through a horrible tragedy; yes, it shattered my whole world. It shattered my world because it took away skills, abilities, and understandings. But quite frankly, I'm tired of being angry and depressed. I love you too much to hate you and want you out of my life for good. I don't remember a whole lot of what has happened, regardless of how aware or "with-it" I seemed. So please forgive me for everything I have ever done. Please give me another chance to be the amazing friend you know that I can be. 

Depressing 21st Birthday

I need to say first and foremost that this post is NOT written to any of my family. I actually was writing songs on the guitar and started a different train of thought, which turned into a letter to all of my peers.
     When you turned 16, I told you to go out and live like a 16-year-old should live. I told you to stop worrying about me (still being 15) and feel free to date and drive and do all the fun things a sophomore in high school should do.
     When you won state or defeated a ruthless opponent, I cheered. I lifted you up and helped you feel like you were on top of the world.
     When you turned 18, I snuck balloons throughout your yard, with your positive traits inside each. I encouraged you to live life as a new adult.
    When you entered your senior year of high school, I told you I'd always be there, even though I would be living on a University campus. I told you I'd show you the ropes when you came walking through college. I was there for all of your big moments.
     I convinced you that this life was worth it, no matter how bad it got. I stopped you from doing things you would have regretted. I prevented you from taking your own life.
    When your parents got divorced, I stood by you through every step of the way. I hung out with you all day, every single day.
     When you had to get surgery done, or wear a brace, I was there to listen.
     When you had your heart broken by some boy or girl, I took you out to lunch, I reminded you how special you are.
     When I noticed you were alone, I introduced you to loads of my friends and you became an instant hit. I was there for all of your heartaches.
     In my biggest tragedy, pain, heartache, you LEFT me. For my 21st birthday, I won't have anyone pulling me on, I won't have anyone telling me all of the things I can or should do now. Because of my big heart, I get no love in return. Because of the way I loved you, I have to do this all alone. So Happy 21st Shannon. Go party... oh wait, nevermind, go hang out with.... nevermind, go... continue on, in more surgeries or whatever.