The Riley "Difference"

Riley, Shannon, Sam, Ellie, Lindy, honestly, I don't care. Call me whatever you like. As long as you can tell the difference between the TBI and me. This is why I created the persona "Riley:" to make the distinction not matter. But truth of the matter is that I can't live with myself as Riley, as Shannon, as any other name when the TBI is in control. I wanted to change my 'identity' (if you will) so that I could say that all of the weird things I do because of the TBI are simply quirks. But, I can't do that. I am so frustrated with myself because of a few different things.
First thing I'm upset about is this. As I have described before, I felt like I was in a state of limbo for the last 5 years, not knowing who I really was. I am clearly no longer Shannon (from before my accident) and I really, really don't want to be the stupid TBI. But the TBI is in control so much of the time. So I decided to create a new identity - Riley - as a person who has a TBI. The problem however stems from my approach to the image of someone with a TBI. Each and every time that I feel confident in saying that my name is Riley, is when I am upbeat, positive, on top of life, similar to the way I was before the accident, or when I would love to be called Shannon.
When the TBI is in control, you might as well just call it what it is; TBI, traumatic brain injury, head injury, backhoe to the head, whatever. Just don't associate me with my TBI. The brain injury is one heck of a difficult battle that requires constant struggle to do the simplest of tasks. It takes so much effort, so much motivation, so much energy, so much thought to brush my teeth, wash my hands, say prayers, change clothes, etc. So yes, it is a tremendous battle that I have to fight every single second of every single day.
I think I've finally come to a point however that I've accepted that Shannon has a stinking awful TBI. But I created Riley with false pretenses; she doesn't really have a TBI, she owns the TBI. So yes, I would love for the people in my past to separate the Shannon before the accident with the Shannon now. But, I can't really control that.
It doesn't matter what you call me, it wouldn't even matter if I legally changed my name, went into witness protection and moved across the country. The person inside of me will never fade away; I'm always going to be an over-achiever; even with the biggest challenges of the TBI. I'm always going to have certain expectations that I feel I have to live up to regardless of what my name is. Yes, my brain injury changed a lot about me, but it didn't change the person inside; and trying to change my identity won't do that either.
So honestly, it doesn't matter what you call me. But I still feel like Shannon inside, except for the times when the TBI is in control. And in those times, I don't feel like anyone, I am just the TBI.

What Should I Do?

   There are some times where I feel that I am still in the rough of this emotional recovery. There are some times where it is just really, really bad and I just feel awful and I cry. But the rest of the time, I ask the same question as everyone else, "what the crap am I doing?"
   And it's difficult; let me explain why. I'll start with school. I was informed a while back that Vocational Rehab would not fund my education if I went back to school this year. Furthermore, one day as I was contemplating what I should do with my life, I had a strong feeling that school is not something that I should continue pursuing. I felt like this was something the spirit was telling me, so although I am capable, it is something that is not worthwhile. I am going to follow that inspiration.
   Next, work. I have enough limitations that I can't do many - dare I say most - jobs; especially entry level positions. When school doesn't seem to be an avenue for me, I want a job I can see a future in, but all of these kinds of jobs require a degree. Since I don't have a degree I'm stuck. Although I have applied for some jobs, and I've gotten called in for an interview. I felt I interviewed very well, yet I didn't get the job. Is this the Lord telling me that it's not time for me to have a job yet?
   Okay, so then what do I do? If school and work are both out, then what? I can't go on a mission, I can't travel for too long, etc. How about focusing on relationships? I don't know where to start. Friends that I have made (from school, work, in my ward, etc) don't care after I am out of their presence. No, I am not talking about they don't call, we don't see each other, we don't hang out. Although all of that is true, I am talking about these people not answering my calls or texts, they won't talk to me. I have been through enough heartache and loss that I can take people leaving me, but what still gets to me, is when people just leave and they won't tell you why. When people just walk away and they never look back. So yeah, relationships seem to be a pitfall too.
   So what should I do Heavenly Father, what should I do?

Things We Take for Granted

     There are many things in life that we all take for granted; things that none of us realize - unless one receives a traumatic brain injury. I am not going to explain all of the little things that the brain does for us that we take for granted, but I am going to give you just a small glimpse of how frustrating a brain-injured life can be.

     Have you ever just fallen on your couch after a long, hard day and enjoyed the peaceful quiet? Those times that you don't have kids screaming, or the blender going, or traffic blowing past your ears. I think you should all know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, for me, I don't get those moments anymore. I have hypersensitive ears that hear EVERYTHING. Remember plopping to the couch? Yeah, when I do that, I hear the air conditioner, noises from outside, the fridge running, lights or electronics whirring, etc. It's called filtering; your brain is so smart that it deciphers what is or is not important for you to hear, see, smell, etc. So even if I turn on relaxing music or something, I still hear the stupid light buzzing, or the air vent from outside, or even the glitches in the stereo. That's only external noises. The noises inside my head are awful. I don't know how other people think, nor do I remember how I used to think. But I know that among other things, now, I replay situations over and over, I obsess over small things, I am irritated by little things that myself or others do, I am overwhelmed very easily and I wish I was different in nearly every single way.
     Like I mentioned, filtering does not apply just to noises; it applies to every one of your senses. For example, lights can be too bright, too dim, too many different colors, coming from too many directions etc. You can sit down to eat and you can't determine the different smells between the steamed broccoli, caesar dressing, garlic bread, the baby's diaper, your sister's shampoo, your dad's cologne, etc. One of the worst feelings is when I hate feeling the clothes on my skin. It could have something to do with different fabrics on my body that my brain has to go through or it could just simply be that there are times that I just feel literally uncomfortable in my own skin. When your brain has to manually do the work to try to maintain stability, cognitive fatigue becomes a very common occurrence.
      Another symptom of a TBI that affects areas of the brain such as mine is that it messes with your temperature regulator! What does that mean? That I am always cold. Yes, it is the middle of summer but guess what happens at my apartment? I don't have the AC on, I still have my winter clothes out (like my fleece-lined tights that I'm wearing right now),the electric blanket is on my bed year-round, and I sometimes have the heater on in my room.
     Then there is something that no one can quite figure out what exactly happened. My feet ache; all the time. I can't stand in one place for longer than maybe 2 minutes, Exercising is a joke; rollerblading, jumping on the tramp: not for long! Not even a walk on the beach, in the cool/warm sand feels even remotely good. I have a foot doctor that I see, I have inserts in my shoes, I cannot get relief.
     Sleep is awful, fatigue is a beast, negativity is constant, motivation is never there. I lost my perfect sight, I can't communicate the way I used to, I can't learn like I used to, I can't process through thoughts, feelings, or emotions. All of these are just some of the things we don't notice that we have going for us until a TBI. All TBIs affect people differently; depending on cause, location and severity. Although many of these things are very common for all people with moderate to severe head injuries, these are some of the challenges that have been dealt my way.
     I make this post not to complain or have anyone pity me. I'm not doing terrible or anything, frankly I'm not doing much of anything but I felt like I needed to post. I write this post to educate, to inform and to teach. I believe that a reason why I made it through all of this nasty crap is so that I can be a voice for all of those people (TBI or non-TBI) who don't have, are too quiet, or don't understand how to, have a voice.  

Riley? Shannon?

I guess I might as well share a little bit of humor to begin this post. Yesterday I had a modeling gig, so I got up, showered, washed my hair, did other things that I hate doing, etc. Then when I got out of the shower, I started putting lotion on (which may be of value to mention that the primary reason I was even putting lotion on was because I'm burnt - bad - and peeling like crazy - not because I enjoy nurturing my body :P). Then, I realized that I still had hairy legs. I thought, "do I really have to get back in the shower-tub and shave? I'm going to a modeling thing, yes, but... Most the time I have pants on anyway, but crap, this is a fitness shoot, so I'll likely be in yoga shorts. Ah crap, back in the tub we go..." My mom thought it was funny enough to give you all a laugh.
     Now, to the purpose of the post. Many people ask me "What do you want me to call you now; Riley, or can I still call you Shannon?" The answer is much more complicated, but let's say both, either, depends. Let me explain. First let's see if I can tell you exactly what I told my 6 year old nephew. The reason why I decided to go by Riley is because after the accident my brain makes much slower, stupider, decisions. That is not who Shannon is. So I don't want people to correlate Shannon with who I have become because of the TBI. I guess the biggest influence in all of this has been my loss of everyone who loved Shannon before the accident. If nothing else, I want those people to stop correlating the person who they knew and loved with the person that they see now.
    Both? How does that work? Well, I've decided that to the general public, (again I'm not legally doing anything) my last name will be Shannon. So if you call me Shannon, it will be like you know me professionally, or from the army or something like that, no worries. Either? I would like to be known as Riley - at least to new people - specifically peers - but I am not upset at all if you call me Shannon. I will address later some other reasons why I would love if you call me Riley though. Depends? This is vital. If you have ANY ill feelings towards me, anything that just kind of gets under your skin, please, PLEASE call me Riley. I WILL NOT be offended, I promise. Besides, I won't know why you are making the effort to call me Riley; I won't know if it's for this reason or for other reasons (like what I will mention below). There is a difference for the people who know my spirit - the true me, for those people, it genuinely doesn't matter what you call me in the slightest. But, Shannon L Blackham was a much higher person than having people hate who she is, and I'm sick and tired of allowing the TBI to take that away from her. So I ask you to associate who I am today with the name Riley, because technically Riley is "Shannon affected by a TBI." And moving forward, I will always be affected by a TBI, whether it shines as Shannon or as a complete jerk, I'm being affected by a TBI.
     The hardest thing is for me to see myself as a different person. But especially when I am a total jerk, I am a different person - because of the TBI. I am a different person when it comes to my abilities. It is hard as heck that I can't do so many of the things that used to be automatic before the accident, but truth is that I can't. I need to accept that and move forward. I can't graduate with a Bachelor's degree in 3 years with an A average like I had always planned. I can't even read music anymore let alone play marimba at the state competition level. I can't even join a men's football team like I had always planned! :) The idea of Riley is to stop comparing myself to what I used to be. I used to tell everyone, don't compare yourself to other people, only compare yourself to what you could do yesterday. But now my yesterday is always going to be before the accident - hopefully until I make the change inside myself to Riley. As Riley, I think I might want to try a bunch of things again; things that have been too difficult because of how much I remember I used to be able to do them. So as much as I want to transition to Riley for the appearance towards other people, it's just as much for myself. The transition to Riley is a stepping stone for progress and success. It's hard to view yourself as someone different when everyone continues calling you to the past. This is why I would like you to call me Riley.
    But, once again, let me reiterate that I will NOT get upset if you call me Shannon! When introducing me specifically, I would love if you would introduce me as Riley. But even if you call me Shannon, it's my new last name anyway, so who cares! I feel very strongly about both - being called Riley and keeping the name Shannon - so it honestly doesn't matter. ~~Riley Shannon~~
P.S. Please vote on my hair!

Negativity

There are many things associated with severe TBIs that are misunderstood and highly overlooked. There are many things associated with severe TBIs that drive others out of the person's life. There are many things associated with severe TBIs that I wish I could change. Unfortunately, you can't eat a whole elephant in one bite. So we take it piece by piece and ask for help when we get stuck. This particular piece gets me stuck a lot, and I have just blamed the TBI. But today I look at it and say, my dear Heavenly Father, please help me do whatever it is that I need to do so that I do not have this consistent problem. This problem is a little thing we like to call negativity.
Negativity, by definition is "a tendency to be downbeat, disagreeable, and skeptical. It's a pessimistic attitude that always expects the worst." Granted, history has given me every reason to be full of negativity. Not only that, but after a severe TBI, one's brain tends to automatically find fault in everything. I cannot escape it, negativity fills my life everywhere I go. In fact, I am physically incapable of thinking positively. Unfortunately, negativity is the absolute enemy of  anything good happening in your life. It seems as though every time I start something new and exciting, I might get a tiny bit of hope, but that hope gets squandered out because of negativity. Negativity is my worst enemy; negativity is Shannon's and Riley's worst enemy; because negativity will bring you exactly what you expect - the worst.
I could highlight ways that negativity has influenced my life, but that would likely be really boring and possibly annoying. (Negativity in action) But besides any of that; that is not the point of this post. This post is a call for help. This call may remind some of you of times 5 years ago; let me remind you, a TBI like mine never goes away. A TBI like mine will always require lots of help. So today I am asking you to join me in fasting this Sunday specifically for Heavenly Father to either dispose of the automatic negativity that immediately registers in my brain, or for Him to show me how and help me do it. I know it's short notice, but I figure it's fast Sunday already. This is one of the largest struggles someone post TBI will ever have to face, but I hope that Riley will not have to live with it her whole life. Thanks to you all.

The Riley Transformation (still in Progress)

        Let me answer some questions and clear up a few things. First, I will not be creating a new blog. This blog is about the recovery of someone with a traumatic brain injury. Yes, it is titled Shannon Blackham, but it does not change the nature of the blog. Riley is the persona of someone who has to live with a brain injury every day. And yes, Riley and Shannon are the same person if you see the very core of who I am, so no, I will not be creating a new blog. I also will not be legally changing my name. As far as email and social media, I do believe that I will be creating a new email, although I’m not 100% positive on that one. However, I am more certain that I will eventually create a new facebook. The only other version of social media that I’ve ever even gotten into has been Instagram. If you have an Instagram, you should add me (shannon.blackham) until I report that I have officially changed that to Riley as well. I am still working on letting go of Shannon.

        Let me tell you why it’s so important to me for you let go of Shannon. In my mind, 16 year old Shannon was an amazing person, who worked very hard to get there. In my mind, 16 year old Shannon was everything that I want to be now. In my mind, Shannon deserves to be preserved. Shannon deserves the dignity, respect, and common decency that pre-TBI Shannon earned. When the TBI struck me, it took away who I was down to the very core for a very long time. As time has progressed, I have been able to fight this TBI – but the TBI is still in control more than probably 80% of the time. Pre-injury Shannon did absolutely nothing to deserve her name to be torn apart because of a terrible brain injury. But right after the accident, the TBI took control nearly 100% of the time. So yes, the pre-Shannon did die, and it didn’t occur to me until recently that my friends were grieving the loss of a friend, while still trying to deal with someone else functioning inside of her body, while that other person thought they were the same friend as before. Okay, that sentence didn’t make a lot of sense, but let me share with you the biggest catalyst in this discovery.

        After my blogpost on my anniversary, I received a text from an old friend that said, “Hey, I saw your blog post... I can’t believe it has already been 5 years since your accident. I remember the day I found out, I was in my peer tutor class and Tonya was crying and kept saying ‘Shannon’s in the hospital.’ I thought maybe she had a bad dream. After class I ran into Emily who told me what happened. My stomach dropped and my heart ached. It was the first time a friend had been taken from me. When I found out you were okay, I was so excited to have my friend back but was suddenly shot down when I was told you were still ‘Shannon’ but won’t be the same Shannon I talked to weeks earlier. I thought, ‘There is no way the Shannon I knew was gone’ but the following months and years proved it to be so. The TBI had changed one of my favorite people in the world. And it hurt me inside. Instead of getting to know the new Shannon and being a good friend, I acted as if she really did die that day 5 years ago. It was too hard for me to see her struggling and what one stupid accident did to her life. I didn’t even think about how you felt and how me not being a friend affected you too. After reading your blogpost I got the same feeling I did 5 years ago and cried a little that Shannon had died. But was excited to see how you are moving on with it. I hope I can get to know Riley and be a better friend. If not, I will always remember Shannon – how she was before the accident. And I will never forget the friendship we shared. She was my go to girl, my example, and the friend that helped shape me and grow the most. She was always there for me, whether it was dumb boys or help on assignments. I miss her so much and was so mad that God took her away. I think it is definitely going to be hard to transition, Riley, but I am proud of you for doing that. So Goodbye Shannon, I love you. And take luck Riley. I wish you the best. And hope you find greater happiness because you definitely deserve it.”

                The best part about this text is the way that it made me feel afterwards. Honestly, when I read  ‘Goodbye Shannon’ my heart dropped to my toes. It hurt and it made me feel like I was asking everyone to abandon me all over again, except this time, I was going to abandon myself too. Until I read ‘I love you’ and welcomed Riley into this world, that’s where it all changed. That and reading over her preserving the memory that she has of Shannon. That’s exactly what I need in this identity switch. I need people to freeze their view of Shannon before the accident. Remember that person, love that person, tell me that you love that person and that as hard as it is, you will save that name in your heart forever and no longer associate the TBI-affected-Shannon (who I am now calling Riley) with the name Shannon. One other text I received made me feel similar, “Hello Riley, just thought I’d introduce myself. My name is Sarah and I like friends and ice cream. Sometimes at the same time. I’m a pretty busy person and when I’m not, I’m an introvert. Not that I hate people but I get anxiety being around them, even the ones I care about a lot. I’d love to get to know you better and when I move back to Alpine next month I’m sure I’ll be able to, anxious or not. P.S. Even when I’m not in contact, I still read a certain blog.”

       But what has made all of the pain and all of the struggles of making this switch worth it is this. After receiving those texts, I can actually look back on all of my memories with those people with a little bit of joy. It does not tear me to pieces every time I think about when I would hang out with friend #1 or when I would go to young women’s with friend #2. It doesn’t bother me when I think about all of the laughter, smiles, or joy that I had with them; whereas with everyone else, it does. It tears me apart inside because I can never have that again. It destroys me because we will never be friends again, and they have such an ugly opinion of Shannon L Blackham. I would love for people to be willing to get to know Riley, but even if that’s not something that they are willing to do, then please just tell me that you love and will always love the memory that you have and will forever keep of Shannon. 

Thanks for Being So Supportive, Love Riley

Wow, I cannot even believe the amazing remarks I have received from family and friends via comments, texts, or in person. I am so overwhelmed by everyone's embracing of Riley. For some odd reason, I haven't been able to take very good selfies lately, but let me show you a little bit of what Riley looks like. Once I'm able to take better pics (and/or get more purple in my hair) I'll update. Love, Riley

Okay, here I am June 19th, fixing weird picture issues in my blog so I'll just add some more fun pics of Riley on this post now!