A Special Mother

Today is my mother's birthday. And like all mothers, my mom gets far underappreciated and doesn't understand the great impact she has on her children's lives. I can't speak for my brothers and sisters, nor for anyone else out there, but I know that almost everyone has a similar story. Let me share mine. 

From day one, she has loved me. She dressed me up, she played silly games with me, she would catch me doing mischievous things, she sent me to my first day of school, etc. She would pick me up when I would cry, laugh with me, explain things to me, tell me that I don't know everything when I thought I did. She held my hand during my tonsillectomy, and laughed at all of the ridiculous things I said on pain killers. She was excited with me when I was twitterpated for the first time. She let me use her as my excuse if I ever wanted to get out of a situation. She went to parent teacher conferences, she would talk to me about friend drama, she would watch how I would like the boys. She wasn't always in the forefront of everything (and thank heavens!) but she was always there, and I always knew it. 

And then my accident happened. My entire world flipped on it's head. I lost everyone. I literally had not a single person from before my accident that I felt cared about me - AT ALL - except my mom and dad. I didn't always treat her like it though. In fact many, many times I would scream and yell at her, in fact the only person that I had a TBI moment on and couldn't remember who she was, was actually my mom. I told her I hated her at times. I hated that she kept me in the hospital, I hated that she didn't let me see people, I hated that she did all of these things that I didn't realize were for my best interest. Just like the way we get frustrated about the trials God throws our way. It's always in our best interest. But despite all of the anger, all of the hatred, all of the pain, the two people that stayed there throughout it all, was my mom and dad. My mom deserves the utmost respect. I am not the first trial she has faced. I am not the first child who's dreams have been crushed. But I will not let it be taken for granted. She deserves everything, especially in the hereafter. My mom is an outstanding woman who would do anything for anyone of her kids. She has proven that over and over and over again. I'll say it again, my mom parents, teaches, acts, loves like the Savior. She's not perfect, because no one is, but she's pretty close in a lot of ways. I love you mom. Happy Birthday. 

LOVE YOURSELF!!!

     Wow, in therapy the last few weeks I have had some remarkable insights! I'll have to write about more of them in later posts, but this one has to be fully devoted to the biggest discovery of all. Let me first tell you a little about how I came to this conclusion. 

     First of all, I was fasting on Sunday, September 25. I did things right this time and actually went upstairs to my room, got on my knees and prayed fervently for all of the things that I had been fasting for. While I was praying, I suddenly said out loud, "I hate the TBI Father, but I love me!" Woah, woah, woah, WHAT? "Wait a second, I don't think that's true, at least not yet, but with your help, I would like to be able to separate the TBI from myself, who I, Shannon L Blackham truly am, and learn to love who I am." Say what??? I couldn't believe myself. I haven't said anything even close to that in almost 6.5 years. I have hated everything about me since May 12, 2010. But I was finally beginning to recognize that the person that I idolize and wish I still was (me pre-TBI) is still inside of me. Yes, all too often it gets smothered by the TBI, but it's still inside. If I can distinguish the difference, then I can again love me. That's part one. 

     Part two shows: once again that the Lord is in EVERY single corner of our lives. I went to institute the next day. (Yes, I'm actually taking institute this semester; so, again, say what?) In institute we were discussing Matthew chapter 4. In this chapter Christ is being tempted by the devil. The class was considering why Christ was able to stay so strong and never gave in to any of the adversary's temptations. We concluded that it was because He knew who He was (and is) and He was true to it. But how the Lord is in every aspect of our lives is how it all ties together, which is where I'm getting to next. 

     In therapy then, I was talking about praying and how hard some of these things are. And suddenly it hit me. It hit me like 354 semi-trucks crushing me against a cement wall. So I had to write it down, immediately. "If I learn to LOVE myself, I can withstand anything and everything! If I separate myself from the TBI and love myself  I can do exactly what I came back to life to do!! I can overcome any trial that comes my way." I can represent the Savior, I can be that very beacon of light and strength. I can defeat Satan when I truly know who I am, and I love that person. This is not something specific to me. This is something that can extend to everyone on this Earth. Everyone has access to this power because like me, you chose to come to this Earth. You chose to show your faithfulness to the Savior because you, too, wanted the freedom to choose. You are a child of God and God doesn't make mistakes. You are a priceless gift to this world.

     So, love who you are. My new life motto is "Love Yourself!" Because with this statement, you can do anything. You can beat all odds and withstand any trial or temptation. Of course, there is a difference in loving who you are and loving what you are. What I mean by this is love the person you are eternally, love your characteristics, love the person you will always be. Loving what you are is loving things you can do, things that you have, what you look like, etc. These are not who you are, and these cannot provide the same kind of strength. Learn who you truly are, learn what makes you the person you are and why. Learn how you came to the standard of person that you are, and believe in yourself. Look in the mirror and see power, see purity, see the will and the drive to face another day, see who you are, who God made you, and say to yourself, I LOVE ME! 

What a Great Change!

I woke up this morning freezing cold. I didn't want to get out of bed, so I didn't, for hours. But, eventually I pulled myself out of my nice, warm bed and to my closet. I packed up my stuff to head out home and that's where I went. As I pulled out of the complex, I noticed how beautiful of a day it was. I thought about my life and how all of my perspectives have dramatically changed recently and how wonderful it was. I drove past the temple and it seemed even prettier than it normally appears. I passed by some kids walking on the side of the street and although I was pretty sure otherwise, I still pulled over to ask them if they wanted a ride anywhere (they didn't). By the time I got to my parent's church, for the first time - THE first time,  I felt the good feelings of nostalgia. I remembered going there as a young woman, meeting with the bishop, going to church, etc. And I was not about to burst into tears! For the first time it felt almost.... peaceful?... maybe.... to return to my roots and see people that I haven't seen in a long time. It was the weirdest thing.
Then I went to Gospel Doctrine, where my dad was teaching and I listened in on a great lesson. I even had the patience to stay for Relief Society! If you don't know my experience with classes, church, or attention, just know this, that is a HUGE deal. When I came home I went upstairs to break my fast and had a great prayer with my beloved Father in Heaven. What more can I ask for? Oh wait, a lot of things I could ask for, I know, but let me explain why so many of my perspectives have changed.
My mom has always said that we're dealing with at least 2 separate injuries: the TBI, and the losses. I have been gradually recovering from the TBI over the last 6 1/2 years. But how are you supposed to glue back all the shattered pieces of your heart without any glue? Love from family cannot replace the love of peers, classmates, close friends, etc. While my family has been so, so great, there are some things they simply just cannot do. So here we are 6.5 years later, while all along the way I've been begging for things to turn around, begging for a friend, a boyfriend, a connection of some sort or another.
So here is where I have to give a huge thank you and shout out to some people, people who have made a huge difference in my life. Because overall, I am much happier, I am starting to be able to love myself because I can see the difference between me and my TBI. I am finally accepting who I am today. I am grateful for all of these relationships and for all of God's blessings. I am finally able to maybe, just maybe be Shannon L Blackham. So thank you to Mary Sebaske, Shelby Gist, Breanna Bowden, Summer Flannery, and to longer-term friends like Trisha Cook, Michelle Madruga, Spencer Siebach, and Bryson Carrier. But most importantly, thank you to Cody Cather, my boyfriend! :)

PSY 2400

I have to inform you of school and such, which I will do. But in trying to decide which classes to take, I wrote the following for one of my assignments and the students thought it should be written on a blog or something, so here it is.

Imagine a young teenager, excelling in life, top of their class, high achiever in their favorite sport, has plenty of friends, etc. Then suddenly, in an instant, an accident occurs and this teenager’s world comes crashing down. Literally everything they once knew becomes a distant reality as they are placed into a coma. While they are in the coma, the muscles are deteriorating, their mental and cognitive abilities are falling away, and their physical capabilities shrink to almost nothing. When they first wake up they don’t even comprehend that anything happened to them and nothing makes sense as to why they are in the hospital. It only takes a few short months for friends to fade away. It’s a shocking realization that life will never be the same.

My top five strengths are authenticity, perseverance, valor, sense of purpose, and equity. With all of these strengths I can help this young teen. I have been through the exact experience that I just shared with you. Because of my genuineness and honesty, I am not afraid to share what I have been through. Because of my diligence, I won’t leave someone behind if they have reached out to me. Because of my bravery, someone’s difficulty will not be too challenging for me to take on. Because of my spirituality and faith, I believe that miracles are everywhere, including in the strangest of places, at the strangest of times, in the strangest of people. Finally because of my fairness and justice, I will not stand for others being treated as anything less than a whole person.  Because of what I’ve been through, I can use my strengths to help people, not just teenagers, not just TBI victims, but all who are disabled, by providing hope, an example of determination and faith. 

Black and White

I just realized how long it's been since I've written anything profound, educational, influential, or just good. I think it's time for that to change. I don't know what I'm going to write about, but let's give it a shot.
     I have a very hard time computing things, accepting things, understanding things. It doesn't make sense to me. I just cannot grasp so many things, no matter how hard I try; quite literally, incomprehensible. My thoughts have become very much so black or white; there is nothing in between. Believe it or not, there are physical, legitimate reasons for this.
     My brain was severely injured in the prefrontal cortex, as well as in the left hemisphere. While there are so, so many different roles that both of these areas control, this is an extremely difficult one. Because I think so concrete, I have a really hard time understanding emotions, feelings or nonverbal communication. Which is really, really bad in two different aspects. The first is social: people, specifically peers, aren't used to having to use words to express their feelings all of the time. But that is exactly what I need. I need that reinforcement from the depression aspect of my life, and I need that distinction to clear up confusion from the injured brain aspect of my life. The second is spiritual: how in the world am I supposed to hear that still, small voice when I cannot understand feelings? I'll tell you what I have to do most of the time: I walk by faith. Other times, I ask for priesthood blessings (even though that still has far too much interpretation). But one of the things that I believe was not only to help me through times before the accident, after the accident, give me fun music to listen to on Sunday, give me quality music all the time, but also to allow Heavenly Father to speak directly to me (from time to time, not frequently) is my music. I love my music. I'm sure I've said it on the blog before, as I've said it 1000 times before to everyone I associate with. My music is virtuous, lovely, of good report and praiseworthy (article of faith 13), and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you ever need a good song, something to lift your spirits, or a new album to sing along to, ask me for recommendations. There is so much good music.
     I am so grateful for my music and the lessons the songs remind me I have learned. I have learned that my Savior is real. I have learned that my Savior cares about me individually, and that yes, He healed the sick, made the blind to see, and raised the dead, but He also went through every one of my heart aches, sorrows, sins, painful lost relationships/friendships. I have learned that He is my brother, and that I wanted to show faith in and my love for Him when I came to this Earth. I have learned that He lives today, and that He loves me. If he didn't love me, I wouldn't be able to do any of the things that I can do now, not just because of the injury, simply because I'm human. So many of my songs try to teach me that I am the only one that can do what I came to the Earth to do; that there will never be another me. Many of my other songs teach me that He will never give up on me. He will always give me another chance. I am so grateful that He always believes in me, that He sees the best in me, no matter what, and for all the other lessons I have learned. I am so grateful for all of the lessons - even the 'beautiful heartbreak' lessons - that my amazing songs remind me of.

GoFundMe Link

     So I was kind of waiting for serious progress or at least a definite plan on the Philippines before I posted again. But here's the deal..... The Philippines is such a large endeavor that it is going to take a lot of time, ideas, planning, money, education, work, etc that I just don't have yet. So, I will continue to work towards the Philippines, it's just not going to happen yet. But, the gofundme link is https://www.gofundme.com/myworldtoyours!
    There's a lot of good things going on right now, a lot of not so good things, and a lot of things that are still up in the air. I will further update at a later date. Please help me get to the Philippines! Every dollar counts!
 

      

Author, Update & Philippines

Holy heck. It's amazing to me how much of an impact I make on myself. I truly don't do this enough, but I think I may have been born to be an author. When I read old blog posts or old journal entries (specifically Tender Mercy journal entries), not only am I reminded of the spirit I have when I'm not feeling so much like crap, but I also feel invigorated to become a little more like that person. I feel empowered to make a change, something that I so desperately need at a time like this.
But to put things in reference, I should probably explain what I mean by "a time like this." (Even though, I don't really want to; but honestly, I don't really want to do anything.) So, for the last .... I don't even know how long ... multiple weeks.... I have just been super, super depressed. Depressed enough that I will suddenly start bawling - out of nowhere - hysterically. I haven't had real sleep in who knows how long. All things physical seem to magnify because I'm so emotionally broken. I can't make myself do anything, especially the things I know are good for me. I can't relax because the second I try my mind starts going rampant. Heck, I can't even drive anywhere without memories and flashbacks overwhelming me to the point that I have decided that I want to just forget absolutely all unnecessary memories. I don't know why I have been feeling this way. Although I know/remember not feeling this way I don't remember when the last time was that I did not feel this way. There are so many things that I would like to be doing or that I should be doing, but I just can't seem to get myself to do them.
One of those things that I need to be doing is.... fundraising for my humanitarian trip to the Philippines. I was actually thinking of doing something in conjunction with my upcoming birthday. I was thinking about doing something like a water balloon fight (selling water balloons) and selling snow cones. Then I would have a car wash for a few hours, followed by an assortment of dinner dishes to be sold. While over the course of the entire shindig there would be a craft sale, a bake sale, a silent auction and a donation table. My roommate thinks I should do a gofundme page, what say you? Any additional ideas and/or help (i.e. service or item to be auctioned, crafts or baked goods for the craft/bake sale, helping with the car wash) is welcomed.