Thursday, September 1, 2011

people, realizations, how God works, college life, etc

So, I decided I should update my blog more often, especially after my brother (Nate) showed me how to view the stats on the blog, which means I can see how many people check it!! Woo! That's exciting cause I really didn't think that anyone read any of my posts anymore.
So, let's get started with the updates, shall we? Why yes, yes we shall. Where should we start though? Let's start with some of my realizations, which goes right along with how God works. So, yesterday, I decided that I really just cannot do some things. Let me show you an email that I sent yesterday. It says : "I don't know, I just do. It's so terrible. This is just miserable! And you know what? I know I'm being stupid about it and I'm just not willing to see God's hand in my life, because He's constantly there and everything, but you know what else? I can't help it. I really can't. I try. I really do. I try my hardest (sometimes) to be positive, to see things in a better light, to look at all the ways that the Lord has blessed my life, but honestly, I just can't. I really, just cannot see all of the good that's happening to me when I feel like there is so much more bad. Like the fact that I can't walk around campus so I had to get a disability sticker doesn't make up for the fact that once in a while I'll find a parking spot close to the building I need to go to. you know? And I won't make any friends, all my roommates are, but i'm not. not because i don't try, just because i repel people." Anyway, I hope that explains what I'm trying to talk about, cause I really don't feel like writing it again in a different way or whatever. Basically what I'm saying is, that it doesn't matter how badly I want to change, I just can't. Just can't do it. Just another thing messed up in my brain...
Okay then let's talk about college life and people. I hate college. I recently decided that second to my 7 week stay in the hospital, this is my most undesired place to be. This is for many, many reasons. But one of which is people. I decided that people are stupid. There are a few exceptions to this label, but only for those of you who are mature, and real. I HATE people who are not either of those two. First, if people are so immature, and so involved in themselves, still believing that the world revolves solely around them, then they just find it a chore to be friends with someone who actually needs a friend. They don't want to give them anything, they just want to take everything. This is what I'm talking about. I absolutely HATE that. People like that make me want to puke. Then, the second thing, the second thing is when people are fake. When they pretend, when they are frauds, when they ACT like they care, but they don't. It bugs me so bad when people pretend like they're trying to understand, and then one day, you find out that it was all a lie. They don't really care at all. And they just try to pretend that they do so that they can make themselves look better. Well you know what? Doesn't really matter all that much, because in heaven, God knows your heart, And on Earth, if you get any praise or whatever, God has repercussions for that too. Sorry, if you can't tell, I'm a little (or a lot) agitated. But basically what I'm saying is that I really, really, really dislike people who are all a lie.
Anyway, I'm sorry for being so negative, that's another thing that I literally just CANNOT change. Just like how I can't see any good in a day (as mentioned above) I can't see anything good in anything really. Anyway, so sorry if this is a depressing and horrible post, but I'm real, and this is how I feel. And my mom may make me come back and change it later, when she reads it, but whatever. In the meantime, this is it. This is the story of my life.

1 comment:

  1. Shan put it out there, I suppose we all wish we could put it out there but we hold back. I know that is apart of the 'new Shan' that is probably hard to embrace as well.
    I listened to you and thought you know what you probably would have been one of those people caught up in yourself too had you not been through this big huge life altering accident. Unfortunately most of us go through that as we gain freedom from home, become self invested & selfish. Maybe instead of being angry you can feel bad for them ;o) will that help? I know that life at the start of college is hard for everyone in some way or another (even if it doesnt seem that way for your roommates). Picking yourself up and dealing with the 'crap' is the part that makes you into who God wants you to be. So my advice: dont worry about the immature and fake people. Worry about school, getting good grades, finding more and more depth in your testimony of the Savior and life will unfold. I will be there soon to see you in person I am soooo excited!!! Love you! {britt}