How Old Am I Really?

Life is a beast, am I right? Well it's worse when you have an injured brain that cannot accept that anything has happened to it. (And when you are going through 1 pneumonia 2 sinus infection 3 medicine changes 4 lack of sleep 5 extreme fatigue 6 extreme lack of motivation 7 nutritional changes 8 increased abandonment stuff 9 new series of PTSD 10 so many things that I have to deal with my car 11 and insurance 12 vision homework 13 chiropractic homework 14 physical therapy homework 15 terrible self-perception yet nothing I can do about it 16 perfectionist me 17 learning -so hard- 18 new changes in gospel things 19 changes in my parents house 20 the need to get a new hobby 21 the constant battle between Shannon and TBI) Those are all just things going on right now. 

As for the purpose of this post. How old am I? Well you see, that's a very interesting question. 

My parents always say to measure age in miles not years. If that's the answer you're looking for, I'm probably 153. (Idk, random number, but OLD.) 

If you are asking my biological, chronological, since the time I came onto the Earth age, well that's 25. But do I feel it in any way shape or form? 

If you are asking where I am "supposed to be" developmentally, medically, etc. that's a completely separate question. The answer to that would be 8.

If you are asking where I am physically, well I reckon that would be closer to 100 - 8. (92)

How about mentally, cognitively? Oh gosh, I have no idea. I have a college degree, but I struggle to remember what I had for breakfast this morning let alone what I learned in my Chemistry class last semester! 

What about socially or emotionally? Well, I think those are two different things. But socially, probably 8, but everyone thinks I'm 25, which is extremely unfortunate. Emotionally, probably 100 - 8, so 92. 

If you are asking how old I feel? Where my brain thinks I am? That is 16 and may forever stay there. It definitely has since the accident. (Okay, okay, sometimes I feel closer to 17, but I was 16 1/2 when I got in the accident!) I think that my brain cannot move past the age that I was at that time. 

Overall, it is very confusing and very, very conflicting. Everyone who sees me thinks I'm a normal 18-25 year old. Guess what? I'm anything but! I can't even decide how old I am! 

New Year, New Understanding of Me

Over the last month, I've had the opportunity to do a lot of self-reflecting. I have also talked to a number of different people with different specifications, learned more about my favorite subject - the brain, and come to a number of conclusions. So many of them I feel I need to write about because it is very important to the TBI population. One verdict that I've had to come to accept is that I can get them done because I'm Shannon, but it will have to be on a completely skewed (and stupid) timetable because I have a traumatic brain injury, and those who love me can accept that. So I hope that you can deal with the lengthy explanation of this last month as I struggle with all of my daily challenges. 

I think the biggest resolution is my lack of human. Don't get preachy on me. Let me explain, and hopefully you'll come to see how it's actually a resolution and not a "woe is me."

More than half of me really did die on that awful day in May. I can't explain it very well, but pieces that made me who I was were taken from this body. Cells in brain did die that cannot be regenerated. I can't describe it, but I have felt like not all of me is here. I can't access the rest of myself, but I know that I'm not all here. The TBI loves taking charge. And unfortunately, because the brain controls literally everything we do, an injured brain will run most of the show. However, I was blessed (or cursed) enough to have a sliver of the Shannon spirit still lodged in there somewhere. Finally, the last piece of me is all of the terribly difficult work that I do every single day to try to function like a normal person. And let me tell you, it is HARD! But every part of your body wants to heal, including your brain.

This finding has honestly been such a relief for me. It explains so many things that are "wrong" with me. It helps me understand why I do some of the stupid things I do. It explains why I don't have energy to do anything a lot of the time. It reminds me that it's not my fault. It explains why people walked - and still walk - away. It tells me that it's okay not to be the daughter of God I used to be - at least on Earth right now. It seems so strange to be relieved to discover that you're not totally human, but it feels so right.