My Ongoing Social Struggles

I haven't posted in a long time especially because I've been avoiding feeling anything for a long time. I distract myself in every way possible so that I can avoid the difficult emotions. With all of the heightened anxiety and lack of normal resources to help cope, I stuff everything that comes up into a tightly sealed bottle.
My life really does depend so much upon other people. It shouldn't. I know it shouldn't. But my life, post-accident, does. Other peoples' honesty, consideration, concern, etc matter a lot. The way other people view me or treat me defines and shapes the person I am. When I've had a peer who I felt truly loved and believed in me, I've thrived. I was growing and becoming the kind of person that I want to be. Why can't I do that for myself? It's what I want. I'm trying my best to love myself, I'm doing my best to focus on the Savior. But the pain is so real, so deep and so overwhelming that I just need someone to hold me. I need someone to care for me. I need sweet, unconditional (tangible) love from someone who chooses to be with me without any sort of obligation or alternative incentive. I don't want to feel this way. I really, really don't. Especially when literally no peer will love me. I have had ONE male peer give me a second glance in TEN years. But he doesn't even think twice about me now.

I feel so hopeless; so pointless. I am far too aware of my surroundings; who I am vs who I was and everyone around me. I know that when I spin out of control no one will come back, but there's nothing I can do about it. I know that I'm too much to handle often times, but I don't know how to stop it. I know I say or do wrong things but I don't know how to read social ques. And for me, social is everything. Social plays into everything else. Connection is what life is all about really. We came to the Earth to make connections with people and grow spiritually. How do those things happen? Through relationships! So how are you supposed to feel when you can't sustain a relationship despite everything else? How are you supposed to feel when people look at you as disabled when you don't feel disabled? How are you supposed to feel when people judge you for things that you do not do when you simply cannot do them? How can you feel worthwhile when everything around you tells you that you are worthless? How are you supposed to have any sort of motivation when you can't feel any joy? What am I supposed to do? I watched a doctor show recently that talked about only doing what makes you happy especially when you're in depression. But nothing makes me happy. Literally NOTHING.