Validation

 I feel the need to address the reality of the physical consequences of an invisible injury. Everything about the physical body is driven by the brain. So naturally, when the brain gets injured, the rest of the body gets injured, even when you cannot see it. The debilitation is so real that any situation can stir emotional chaos within the entire soul. I absolutely cannot emphasize this enough. The most random things can become a trigger for my PTSD, and for the last 10.8 years I have struggled trying to distinguish between the different parts of myself. (additional information in these posts: Dissociative Brain Trauma , No Longer the Victim, The Riley Transformation, New Year, New Understanding, Love Yourself, What is a Traumatic Brain Injury, After 5 Years, It's Time for..., Shannon as a Temple)

My dad helped me write this post. But I had to put in a few cents, so I have inserted where I come in. 😊In regards to my dad’s post, we are NOT trying to make life difficult, we are NOT trying to be self-centered, and we are NOT trying to convey a message contrary of appreciation and love.       

              Dad: From my observation, a common challenge with brain injuries is the lack of self-esteem.  This often comes as the individual looks at their current situation vs their life before the brain injury and sees their deficits.  How we respond to their expressions of frustration, inadequacy, anger or discouragement can have a significant impact on how they feel about themselves.  That is where the concept of Validation come in.

              Validation is acknowledging that a person’s opinions, experiences, feelings and expressions are real, and that it is OK for the person to have them.  It is not accepting that they are true or based on fact or that we agree with those expressions.  It is simply allowing an individual to freely express their views without judgement, reprimand or incrimination.  Particularly in our society, we have a tendency to immediately reject and condemn the expressions of others when they differ from our own.  When that happens to us, we feel threatened and belittled—or in a word, invalidated.

              Validation does not come naturally to most of us. When someone expresses to us that they are feeling lonely or depressed, we often respond with something like, “Hang in there, things will get better.,” or perhaps “I know exactly how you feel because I have felt that way before.”  Although well-intentioned, those comments come across as dismissive of their feelings or shift the focus onto us and our feelings.  A more validating response is a sincere, heartfelt expression of, “That must be really difficult for you,” or “I can’t imagine how devasting that must be.”  Those responses offer empathy and understanding, not empty platitudes.  And more importantly, they allow the conversation to continue and be meaningful.

              Shannon insert here In addition to the more appropriate responses my dad mentioned above, it would be extremely helpful to then ask, “is there anything I can do?” But please, only ask if you will actually do something if offered a suggestion. Know that more than anything we just need someone to listen and we likely won’t have anything else you can do.

Another common response is justification. “I was super busy/I don’t have enough time” “Try looking at it from my perspective” “You need to be more sympathetic.” Any of those tells me that I am not enough. It says that whatever you’re using as an excuse is far more important than me. It also tells me that you don’t think that I understand what [busy/pain/stress/school/depression/fatigue/family/guilt/shame/etc] feels like. But validation is key, also in helping people with depression. 

              Dad Again, validation does not equal agreement.  One does not have to accept the premise of another’s feelings to have compassion.  We do have to realize that no matter how we may feel about a given situation, it is real to the other person.  Perception is reality, even if it is not truth.  As we sincerely and honestly validate the feeling and expressions of others, it helps build self-esteem and places us in a position to help that individual address and manage those feelings they are having.  Validation – Try it!!

            Shannon again: As brain injury survivors, we already feel inadequate because we lost all of our dreams, hopes, desires and most of all abilities - functions of our bodies and emotions. Justifying, dismissing, or simply invalidating communicates that you believe we are inadequate as well. Feelings are always valid, even if they are not justified (or true) the feelings are always valid. But even someone who knows that, like myself, still feels absolutely defeated when someone is redirecting the conversation away from my pain to focus on them. I feel like my feelings don't matter because I don't matter. This is an enormous problem. Please, help us all out - not just those with TBIs, but all of your relationships will improve if you practice a little more validation. 

My Ongoing Social Struggles

I haven't posted in a long time especially because I've been avoiding feeling anything for a long time. I distract myself in every way possible so that I can avoid the difficult emotions. With all of the heightened anxiety and lack of normal resources to help cope, I stuff everything that comes up into a tightly sealed bottle.
My life really does depend so much upon other people. It shouldn't. I know it shouldn't. But my life, post-accident, does. Other peoples' honesty, consideration, concern, etc matter a lot. The way other people view me or treat me defines and shapes the person I am. When I've had a peer who I felt truly loved and believed in me, I've thrived. I was growing and becoming the kind of person that I want to be. Why can't I do that for myself? It's what I want. I'm trying my best to love myself, I'm doing my best to focus on the Savior. But the pain is so real, so deep and so overwhelming that I just need someone to hold me. I need someone to care for me. I need sweet, unconditional (tangible) love from someone who chooses to be with me without any sort of obligation or alternative incentive. I don't want to feel this way. I really, really don't. Especially when literally no peer will love me. I have had ONE male peer give me a second glance in TEN years. But he doesn't even think twice about me now.

I feel so hopeless; so pointless. I am far too aware of my surroundings; who I am vs who I was and everyone around me. I know that when I spin out of control no one will come back, but there's nothing I can do about it. I know that I'm too much to handle often times, but I don't know how to stop it. I know I say or do wrong things but I don't know how to read social ques. And for me, social is everything. Social plays into everything else. Connection is what life is all about really. We came to the Earth to make connections with people and grow spiritually. How do those things happen? Through relationships! So how are you supposed to feel when you can't sustain a relationship despite everything else? How are you supposed to feel when people look at you as disabled when you don't feel disabled? How are you supposed to feel when people judge you for things that you do not do when you simply cannot do them? How can you feel worthwhile when everything around you tells you that you are worthless? How are you supposed to have any sort of motivation when you can't feel any joy? What am I supposed to do? I watched a doctor show recently that talked about only doing what makes you happy especially when you're in depression. But nothing makes me happy. Literally NOTHING.

Right Left Integration

I have been learning a lot of things about myself as I've been on this journey of grieving, and healing. I have been through a lot of emotional upheaval in my life and much of it has gotten buried deep inside. 99% of the losses I have had in my life are due to the accident, and losses HURT. Discovering that getting up and doing something you've always done, you suddenly can't do anymore, is devastating. Getting abandoned, betrayed, ignored, and losing people who were part of your life is extremely emotional. Having a long list of to-dos and the desire to do them, but when it gets down to it, you just can't do any of it; that's discouraging beyond belief. Loving someone who refuses to talk to you because of an injury is heartbreaking. Having to relearn how to communicate with people feels hopeless. Dealing with professionals who don't know anything about your situation is incredibly frustrating.
What do all of these things have in common? Pain. Emotions. Feelings. All things that are felt and processed in the right side of the brain. Why does this matter Shannon? Because like so many other things, it represents the opposite world I was thrown into post-accident. I am very left-brained by nature. I think things through very logically and mathematically. I need order, I need things to make sense. Yet, when the accident happened, I was thrown into a world dominated by right-brained activity.

So, what can be done? It's not as easy as it sounds. It's not as easy as learning to write with your non-dominant hand although that is controlled by opposite hemispheres of your brain. It takes some serious integration and let me tell you, that is not an easy thing. I don't know all the ways to integrate the brain, nor will I claim to. But I can tell you how I've started doing it and things that loved ones can do to assist. I have had to tell myself that it's okay to let the trauma out, but I have to have my journal close by me whenever possible. This is because the second something starts to boil up, I have to immediately start to write about it. Whether there is something or someone that triggered it, or sometimes it's crazy dreams at night, but as I begin to write, I am naming (left-brain) the emotions (right-brain) I am feeling. And as things continue to come up, I have to keep trying to describe what I'm feeling and what caused it. Writing it, saying it out loud, activates the left brain and allows for better integration.
Others who are trying to help need to understand first and foremost that getting angry and frustrated with the individual will only make matters worse. Trying to throw logic (left-brain) at someone who is very emotionally charged (right-brain) is not going to do anything positive. What needs to happen first is understanding. You have to meet the right-brain with right-brain. It doesn't matter how irrational you think the behavior is, you have to find out why they are acting/feeling that way and make the feel heard and felt. It is important that you validate their feelings by showing care, concern, or even shared anger and frustration in your words and facial expressions. It is not until that point that you can present logic or rationale. After you have let them feel their feelings, understood them, and let them feel validated, then you can introduce other perspectives, lessen the reaction, etc.