I feel the need to address the reality of the physical
consequences of an invisible injury. Everything about the physical body is driven
by the brain. So naturally, when the brain gets injured, the rest of the body
gets injured, even when you cannot see it. The debilitation is so real that any
situation can stir emotional chaos within the entire soul. I absolutely cannot
emphasize this enough. The most random things can become a trigger for my PTSD,
and for the last 10.8 years I have struggled trying to distinguish between the
different parts of myself. (additional information in these posts: Dissociative Brain Trauma , No Longer the Victim, The Riley Transformation, New Year, New Understanding, Love Yourself, What is a Traumatic Brain Injury, After 5 Years, It's Time for..., Shannon as a Temple)
My dad helped me write this post. But I had to put in a few
cents, so I have inserted where I come in. 😊In regards to my dad’s post, we are NOT
trying to make life difficult, we are NOT trying to be self-centered, and we
are NOT trying to convey a message contrary of appreciation and love.
Dad: From my observation, a common challenge
with brain injuries is the lack of self-esteem.
This often comes as the individual looks at their current situation vs
their life before the brain injury and sees their deficits. How we respond to their expressions of
frustration, inadequacy, anger or discouragement can have a significant impact
on how they feel about themselves. That
is where the concept of Validation come in.
Validation
is acknowledging that a person’s opinions, experiences, feelings and
expressions are real, and that it is OK for the person to have them. It is not accepting that they are true or
based on fact or that we agree with those expressions. It is simply allowing an individual to freely
express their views without judgement, reprimand or incrimination. Particularly in our society, we have a
tendency to immediately reject and condemn the expressions of others when they
differ from our own. When that happens
to us, we feel threatened and belittled—or in a word, invalidated.
Validation
does not come naturally to most of us. When someone expresses to us that they
are feeling lonely or depressed, we often respond with something like, “Hang in
there, things will get better.,” or perhaps “I know exactly how you feel
because I have felt that way before.”
Although well-intentioned, those comments come across as dismissive of
their feelings or shift the focus onto us and our feelings. A more validating response is a sincere,
heartfelt expression of, “That must be really difficult for you,” or “I can’t
imagine how devasting that must be.”
Those responses offer empathy and understanding, not empty
platitudes. And more importantly, they
allow the conversation to continue and be meaningful.
Shannon insert here In addition to the more
appropriate responses my dad mentioned above, it would be extremely helpful to
then ask, “is there anything I can do?” But please, only ask if you will actually
do something if offered a suggestion. Know that more than anything we just need
someone to listen and we likely won’t have anything else you can do.
Another common response is
justification. “I was super busy/I don’t have enough time” “Try looking at it
from my perspective” “You need to be more sympathetic.” Any of those tells me
that I am not enough. It says that whatever you’re using as an excuse is far
more important than me. It also tells me that you don’t think that I understand
what [busy/pain/stress/school/depression/fatigue/family/guilt/shame/etc] feels
like. But validation is key, also in helping people with depression.
Dad Again, validation does not equal
agreement. One does not have to accept
the premise of another’s feelings to have compassion. We do have to realize that no matter how we
may feel about a given situation, it is real to the other person. Perception is reality, even if it is not
truth. As we sincerely and honestly
validate the feeling and expressions of others, it helps build self-esteem and
places us in a position to help that individual address and manage those
feelings they are having. Validation –
Try it!!
Shannon again: As brain injury survivors, we already feel inadequate because we lost all of our dreams, hopes, desires and most of all abilities - functions of our bodies and emotions. Justifying, dismissing, or simply invalidating communicates that you believe we are inadequate as well. Feelings are always valid, even if they are not justified (or true) the feelings are always valid. But even someone who knows that, like myself, still feels absolutely defeated when someone is redirecting the conversation away from my pain to focus on them. I feel like my feelings don't matter because I don't matter. This is an enormous problem. Please, help us all out - not just those with TBIs, but all of your relationships will improve if you practice a little more validation.
