New Doctors

     Oh good gracious, it feels like a LONG time since I've written. But, over the last few weeks I have been running myself dry every single day. Much of this has to do with new doctors and a personal trainer that have just been introduced into my life. I will admit however, that it is totally my fault that I am exhausting myself to the point of no return. At least that's what it feels like - when you wake up in the morning and you don't even want to get out of bed, to do anything. I can't even get up to brush my teeth, or say prayers, or thank Heavenly Father for everything He has done for me. I can't even get up to get a drink of water. But all of this exhaustion is from great, tremendous efforts however.
     Doctor numero uno - Dr. Hatch. He is incredible! I think that he is one of the smartest men out there. I will tell him a problem I've been having and he will tell me that it's a malfunction of this one particular neruopathway. "So, let's fix it!" he'll say. He also knows how to find out the emotions that are hard wired in your subconscious. So he is having me do 5 different exercises 4-8 times a day. That is the first thing that's wearing me out.
     Personal Trainer - Wow. Can we talk about muscle imbalances??? Actually I later mentioned it to Dr. Hatch and he put the pieces together for me that when I was hit by the backhoe, it sent my brain propelling backwards, so now I find my center of balance leaning way back. (We also did tests and stuff and it was really kind of funny). So that's why all of my muscles in the front of my body are overcompensating for the muscles in the back of my body. My body knows that I need to be perpendicular with the floor, but my brain thinks otherwise. So my muscles have been trying to overcompensate for 5 1/2 years! But anyway, so with ALL of these muscle imbalances, I've been given like 18 different exercises to do to strengthen these muscles. And I also need to do cardio (so that I can see my 6-pack). Furthermore, Dr. Hatch also told me that I should be doing one of his exercises after I do the strength exercises so that my body will not still feel like it needs to be falling backwards. It exhausts me just to write about it!
     Last new doctor - Dr, Fong. Oh my goodness. She treats mild concussions and severe TBIs both. But she told us that she had never been quite as shocked as she was when she looked at my scores. We started her treatment regime by doing an fMRI (functional MRI). For someone with an injury as severe as mine, with a glascow coma score of 3, someone who lived solely by the grace of Jesus Christ, my scores from the fMRI were outstanding. It provided me with assurance that every stupid little thing that we have done over the last 5 years 7 months and 1 day has been doing something good. We have been supporting my little brain in every possible way for the last 5 1/2 years. There is not a single thing that we have done that hasn't made some kind of impact. There isn't a single thing that I have done that hasn't made me so much better than I would have been. I should have been on the extremely dysfunctional results of the fMRI, but I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle - severely - in specific areas (like social, go figure), but because of all of the HARD, excruciatingly difficult work that I have done. I am NOT where I am expected, where I should be. Dr. Fong has a completely different spin on making changes, and "fixing" the TBI. I will have to go through a week long "therapy on steroids" (therapy meaning like PT, OT, Speech, not like let's listen to your feelings). And I'll be doing this right in the middle of school. So I'm excited, but also scared. If I'm barely holding on now, I don't know how I'll be able to manage that. But it will be worth it.

Continuing Trauma

Doctors have said that the damage from the TBI has been done (from the impact) and will not get progressively worse. The initial impact is what caused my brain to shake, my skull to burst, and my cranium to bleed. Therefore all of the physical damage should be consumed by the accident on May 12, 2010. While I agree with the logic, I am not entirely sure I agree with the practicality of it. Like a soldier might begin to go into a panic attack every time they hear something that resembles the sound of a gunshot, Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder PTRD or Post Traumatic Brain Injury PTBI (or whatever you want to call it) is very similar. 

I honestly am not really afraid of anything - spiders, snakes, darkness, public speaking, death, etc - except for one thing: abandonment. Which really bites because I've been abandoned so many times, and continue to be abandoned. But I think that's why it scares me so much, because I know how miserable you feel. I am absolutely ridiculously lonely; I'm chained in a throne of torture.  

          I have family who support me and I feel their love. But there is something uniquely different about feeling support of peers - the people who don’t have to love you no matter what. Degraded because there isn’t a peer out there who I feel like really cares. I’ve felt the sorrow more than enough times, I’m positive.

          Oh, but if it isn’t hard enough just to have people ignore me for who knows why, the thing that causes more anguish is the avoiding. All that I have ever been is someone who loves to make others happy, loves being around people. So this generates so much hopelessness.

          I just quit my job because I could no longer take the scorning I would get for using my time wisely. I would literally have to internally suffer because my boss would get mad at me for cleaning the bathroom. I was unappreciated or even depreciated by cleaning the center, improving my skills, keeping myself busy when the center was vacant. The heartache this would cause me every single day! I would come home in so much despair that finally I had had enough.

          But it’s not just with peers or colleagues, it’s with the general public. I go unacknowledged all over the place. Whether it be youtube, facebook, instagram, this blog, etc. No one knows, no one cares; desperation. I am undervalued, because I am worth a whole lot more than I’m being treated. All of this dehumanization causes the depression to grow and grow and grow to the point that I can't continue moving forward.

          I recognize that this is one of my worst blog posts, but the point of this post is two-fold. The first is to (as always) raise awareness of the struggles of a TBI. The consistent struggles, things that don’t go away. The second is to try to help others understand just how much it hurts to not respond to someone. How it magnifies that pain when you go out of your way to not see them, not talk to them, or block them. Whether I’m liked or disliked, at least tell me to my face. Please, have a little decency. And finally, please have a very Happy Thanksgiving. 

#ShannontheMiracle

Okay, so my last post, I said that I was going to upload songs onto youtube. I will, I haven’t yet because I haven’t had access to my music as my computer has failed on me. But, I will upload all kinds of good songs that are worth listening to. I will upload songs that are fun, good music that have shaped my life in some way or another. Worth listening to. My youtube channel is https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClzUohViVFqgivMwsxFyubQ.

Next, let me share with you what happened to me last Wednesday.  So I woke up at 3:30 (am) and felt like I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. This is a very, very common thing with TBIs. I once said that I didn't think that God would always make it so that I could sleep great every night because sleep doesn't have much to do with your eternal salvation. But I prayed this morning to help me go back to sleep anyway. I had a great big day ahead of me; we were leaving out of town the next morning. I needed to bring things home from my condo, then pack stuff at home, I wanted to exercise and shower, do my hair really cute, I needed to take my car in to figure out what was wrong with it, I had to go to work, I wanted to see a couple of people, etc etc. So I prayed that I would be able to sleep for just a few more hours so that I would have the energy to do all of these things. But I felt "no." "Are you kidding? Please!!!" "No Shannon, trust me." "GRRR! Okay, I will trust thee." So I got up and started moving. (No by Cherie Call - I promise I will put all these songs up as soon as I can). So this kind of set me up to look for God's hand everywhere throughout the day. I can't remember all of the ways, but I do remember like 2 or 3 times every hour, saying "Thank you Heavenly Father!" Two of the distinct ways that I do remember however, I will share. The first is when I began to recognize that I was hungry as my stomach continued to growl. (Yes, I can't really tell when I'm actually hungry). But I also had decided that I was not going to eat crap and I was at UVU without my car (long story). Where could I get non-crappy food around campus? I didn't know, but I started walking. Then God led me straight to a Jamba Juice. Huzzah! So I got myself one of their healthier smoothies. A little bit later, I called Toyota to see if my car was fixed, it was so I told them I'd be there in like 10 minutes. So I began to walk towards where I thought was the exit of the building. I got lost and stuck and ran around the campus for nearly an hour. I was about to break. I was praying, asking for someone to come and help me find my way out, my eyes were watery and I could barely hold in my tears. After about an hour of this I eventually got out of the stupid new building at UVU that I was very, very unfamiliar with. (One more thing that TBIs do NOT deal with very well, AT ALL). Anyway, then as I was walking back to the Toyota dealership, it suddenly occurred to me. "Heavenly Father knew I wasn't going to be able to exercise when I got home, and he also knows how important it is to me - although I don't think it's important to Him - that I have visible 6 pack abs, so he made it possible for me to get in a good work out. Oh how the Lord works in mysterious ways! (Better Promises by Hilary Weeks)

One last thing. Although this is the most important. I have decided to start an experiment. This experiment is something that I may work on for the rest of my life. I am calling this experiment #ShannontheMiracle. I truly believe that I returned to this God forsaken world so that I can bring people to Christ.  I knew that I would have a very strong, powerful approach because I am a miracle save the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ and the Eternal Father. So, what I am doing is I am encouraging all people – especially non-members –to come unto Christ by looking into real life stories of how He changed these people; of how He comforted them in times of terror and grief.  So, what I’m asking of all of you, is to post (on facebook, google+, your own blog, comments on this blog, wherever) you’re faith-promoting experience with my accident and include #ShannontheMiracle and #JesusChrist. The point is I want to bring others to Christ, and I believe that I came back to Earth so that I could be a catalyst in making that happen. So, let’s do it. I am now asking for your help. In case anyone sees or feels something and they become curious, I want stories that they can find of how my accident, recovery, and determination has shaped them. I want testimonies of our Savior, Jesus Christ. These stories do not have to be anything great. I know I have not changed everyone dramatically, but if my accident has changed you in anyway, whatsoever, please, write about it. Thanks!

Songs for Encouragement

"...Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong..." D&C 121:45
Oh how the days seem longer and harder. Yes, my perspective has changed, but that in no way means that life is any easier or that my days have been much better. My conversations with other members of the church have been a little bit more uplifting, rather than discouraging. I am trying to be a beacon of light towards all men, but I'm not sure whether that's working or not. I do not want to be overly negative, but I do not want to say that life has just magically become perfect, because it has not. I am trying to let faith guide my life. I am listening to good, spiritual music. If anyone wants a list of artists, or a sample of these songs, email/text me. And these are not motab songs, many of them are pop, or upbeat, or fun in some way or another. I love these songs with all my heart. Typical Girl by Cheri Magill was very influential in becoming the kind of person I am today. Beautiful to Him by Rachel Thibodeau as well as Beautiful Inside by Kirby Heyborne (also Everclean) and Never Be Another by Jenny Jordan Frogley taught me that I don't need to care what the world thinks of me. I Am by Nichole Nordeman and Names by Cherie Call has strengthened my testimony of the Savior's constant role in our lives. All the Way by Trey Warner (from Pride and Prejudice) and This Day by Jenny Jordan Frogley has lifted me up and kept me going. All that I Can Give by Cherie Call is one of my favorite songs around Christmas time. Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks is a song that has gotten me through a lot of crap that I've had to suffer because of my TBI, or any challenge. Hero also by Hilary Weeks, reminds me that I need to serve others anonymously. Believe by Cherie Call tells me that life is never over, and that Christ is always there, even if it's in the final watch. My Giant and Self Portrait  by Stephanie Smith remind me that it is the carnal, sensual, temporary man who keeps my self-esteem down. I'm sure that I have overwhelmed you with so many songs, and I'm going to make sure that they are on youtube, if they are not, and maybe even if they are, I will upload them. The artists I listed more than once (Cherie Call, Hilary Weeks, Jenny Jordan Frogley - and Cheri Magill) are worth looking up more of their songs. This last one is not an LDS artist, but imagine singing it to the Savior - You're the Reason by Victoria Justice. Again, sorry to overwhelm. But, when you have the time, they are worth looking up.

Tough Things Made Possible

This last week has been harder than it ever should have been. Multiple times a day I would have to say to myself, "Shannon, you are here for a reason; don't get discouraged; find that light; be strong; you can do this; this will not be your undoing" etc, etc. Because quite honestly, this week I have had a LOT of things attack me; things I felt would just destroy me. But, we must stand out from the crowd, we must be different. This was the "theme" many of us took from General Conference. So that's what I've been trying my best to do.
Each week I am posting a different scripture on my door so that I see it before I leave. This has helped me be a little bit stronger. So let me share them with you. Last week, the scripture was Joshua 1:9, which goes something like this: ...be strong and of a good courage, for the Lord thy God is with thee; withersoever thou goest. Applicable, right? Yeah well, how about this week... Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." I didn't search for these scriptures, they fell into my lap (in a sense). I testify that the Lord knows exactly what we need. As a matter of fact, He knows what we'll need years later. For example, when I was a young teenager, I would collect the little cards that would come out in the New Era. I would look at them, and then put them in my drawer, so it was good, but there wasn't a real purpose as to keeping them. Until today. Today I put them all around the family room in my apartment. This is one way that I am keeping the light burning within me, and being  missionary to my roommates.
As far as more-TBI related stuff.... As many of you may or may not know, math has always been my thing. I've been really good at it for as long as I can remember and I developed a desire to teach AP Calculus in my AP Calculus class. My current job is tutoring kids with math. I have been so frustrated because I can't remember things that I should know. That and the new curriculum that they are teaching in schools is absolutely awful. So I asked my boss if I could take an assessment to determine where I would place in Mathnasium's (where I work) curriculum. It took a lot of digging, and it took me to full on cognitive fatigue a couple of times - so I had to leave and come back, and it hasn't officially been scored yet. But, I feel very confident in all of my answers. What? Wait a second, but I suck at math now. Yeah, so it takes me a lot longer, but maybe I don't suck at math. I don't know. So for someone dealing with a TBI, I'm saying that while there may most definitely be things that will be lost - especially for TBIs as severe as mine - that not everything is a lost cause. Some things, the things that really matter to you, with a lot of Heavenly Father's help, you can still obtain the info that you have locked inside of your head. Yes, there is no doubt that it will take longer. there is no doubt that it will be harder, but you can still access it through the atonement of the One who saves us all. Granted, not all TBIs are the same, for some, life will not be this hard. I'm just warning you for the worst. But oh how great it is to finally fully - admittedly -rely on the Lord!
Just a few further notes. First, take a look at the new poll, and please vote. Second, if you friend request me on facebook and I don't know you, please write me a message or something, otherwise I will not add you. Yes, I am one of those weird people that only adds people I actually know. Follow me on instagram, believe in Christ, and know that He is the only way that I am still here. I love the Lord and yes times are extremely difficult, but I am excited.

A New Perspective

Conference weekend was incredible for me. I wrote down many, many questions I had going into General Conference. Then I tried to pay attention really well and take notes on all the speakers so that I could get answers to my dozens of questions. Unfortunately... my TBI brain cannot last quite so long, but I still got some very important instruction.

Elder Lawrence's talk on Saturday morning instructed us to go to the Lord and ask "What lack I yet?" or "what do I need to do to further my own progression?" Between sessions on Sunday, I went upstairs, knelt down and did just that. I didn't get any sort of answer like Elder Lawrence talked about. I didn't feel the Holy Ghost telling me what I needed to do next. But instead, I gained so much more. 

Let me talk about two things that occurred. First, I distinctly realized as I was communicating with my Father in Heaven that I am the same person, the same beloved daughter of God that I always have been. The same spirit I was before the accident. Yes, the TBI gets in the way all too often, especially in my dealings with other people, but in the end, in Heavenly Father's eyes, I am still His righteous daughter. So, as I was beginning to do anyway, I have changed everything back to Shannon Blackham. (P.S. I have an instagram account -ShannonBlackham- and you should follow me!)

But the second thing is far more important. I learned why I am still here. Yes there have been little things along the way that I've said, "maybe..." but no, now I know. It is none of the "maybes" from before. The reason why I chose to live is because I said "Lord, I will return to be a living, walking, breathing testament of thy reality, of thy love, and of thy infinite atonement." So this is what I have decided to change my life to be. After having this newly acquired vision, I have felt so much better, so much stronger. I have been able to take things that would have been devastating even hours before, I have been able to resist temptation when it is right in front of me. I have the desire to do good continually. Because I am here - quite literally, I am here to show the world that we have a Father in Heaven who sent His Son, who came as a baby and changed the world. Through Him we can each do things we never thought possible. Through His infinite atonement, we do not have to suffer alone, and our sufferings can be made light. I am a living testament of that. As such, I will go throughout the world proclaiming His name and rejoicing in His grace. 

The Riley "Difference"

Riley, Shannon, Sam, Ellie, Lindy, honestly, I don't care. Call me whatever you like. As long as you can tell the difference between the TBI and me. This is why I created the persona "Riley:" to make the distinction not matter. But truth of the matter is that I can't live with myself as Riley, as Shannon, as any other name when the TBI is in control. I wanted to change my 'identity' (if you will) so that I could say that all of the weird things I do because of the TBI are simply quirks. But, I can't do that. I am so frustrated with myself because of a few different things.
First thing I'm upset about is this. As I have described before, I felt like I was in a state of limbo for the last 5 years, not knowing who I really was. I am clearly no longer Shannon (from before my accident) and I really, really don't want to be the stupid TBI. But the TBI is in control so much of the time. So I decided to create a new identity - Riley - as a person who has a TBI. The problem however stems from my approach to the image of someone with a TBI. Each and every time that I feel confident in saying that my name is Riley, is when I am upbeat, positive, on top of life, similar to the way I was before the accident, or when I would love to be called Shannon.
When the TBI is in control, you might as well just call it what it is; TBI, traumatic brain injury, head injury, backhoe to the head, whatever. Just don't associate me with my TBI. The brain injury is one heck of a difficult battle that requires constant struggle to do the simplest of tasks. It takes so much effort, so much motivation, so much energy, so much thought to brush my teeth, wash my hands, say prayers, change clothes, etc. So yes, it is a tremendous battle that I have to fight every single second of every single day.
I think I've finally come to a point however that I've accepted that Shannon has a stinking awful TBI. But I created Riley with false pretenses; she doesn't really have a TBI, she owns the TBI. So yes, I would love for the people in my past to separate the Shannon before the accident with the Shannon now. But, I can't really control that.
It doesn't matter what you call me, it wouldn't even matter if I legally changed my name, went into witness protection and moved across the country. The person inside of me will never fade away; I'm always going to be an over-achiever; even with the biggest challenges of the TBI. I'm always going to have certain expectations that I feel I have to live up to regardless of what my name is. Yes, my brain injury changed a lot about me, but it didn't change the person inside; and trying to change my identity won't do that either.
So honestly, it doesn't matter what you call me. But I still feel like Shannon inside, except for the times when the TBI is in control. And in those times, I don't feel like anyone, I am just the TBI.