Heartbreaking Life

Scene 1:
I've been hanging out with this friend for a few years and he suddenly won't talk to me. I start to ask one of his friends questions and he texts me. So I said, "What did I do?"
"You bug the shit out of me."
Scene 2:
We liked each other in junior high, and we were the absolute best of friends. Before he left on his mission, we talked about how great it would be to see all of our old friends again, returned with honor. I went to his homecoming, wishing to welcome him with all my heart; but he never even acknowledged my existence.
Scene 3:
We were great friends in high school debate. Even though her parents didn't want her around me because of my "spiritual influence," we were still together quite often. In fact, I was there for her, and I walked her out of thoughts of suicide. I saw her at the school earlier this semester, and I needed to do a project on someone from a different country, so I asked her if I could interview her. She agreed, but never returned a phone call or text.
Scene 4:
I met someone and less than 24 hours went by before he said that I "annoyed him to the point of no return."
Scene 5:
In a matured mindset, I wrote a letter to an old boyfriend, explaining that it hurts me more than one can possibly imagine that I don't know what happened between us. I apologized for anything and everything I had ever done that has ever hurt him. I did not ask him to become my friend again, I did not ask him to like me again, I did not ask him to forgive me, I only asked him to acknowledge that he had received my email. That acknowledgement never came.
Scene 6:
I don't like to pick favorites (or bests) but if you look at how often we spent time together, this person has to be my best friend all throughout high school. I was there for her in ways that any typical person would think absurd. Parents divorce, health issues, step-parents, familial suicides, other girl issues, financial struggles, friends, the list goes on. But when I needed her, where was she? She found a new best friend. And now, she won't communicate with me, no matter what.
Scene 7:
My first class back in school was Social Work. You'd think that this would be a great place to meet people who truly care, who want to stay friends, right? Wrong. Or at least wrong in my case. In my defense, he did stay friends with me for about a semester after social work class ended. But then, he was sick of me too. I'd call and ask if I could stop by and say hello, his response was always, "NO."
Scene 8:
I met a very attractive young man classic skating. He told me that he wanted to see me again and he started writing me letters. It was truly adorable. Then he began making excuses, excuses that I believed for a while. Excuses for why we couldn't write anymore, or why he couldn't meet me for this date or whatever.
Scene 9:
I am still hurt by one boy, and his father, and his stake president, every single day. Every single day, it hurts to think that I'm not good enough. Not just that I'm not good enough for this one boy, not just that I'm not good enough to his dad, a bishop, or stake president. Although I know that it's not true, these people have en-graven the feeling that I'm not good enough for my Heavenly Father.
Scene 10:
Finding a friend, boy or girl, who actually cares about me. Someone who will truly be there for me through thick and thin. Someone who will let me care about them. Someone who loves me no matter what. This scenario hasn't happened. The hope for this one gets dimmer each and every time I interact with someone because of the previous scenes I've outlined and so many others just like them.

To say the least, I've gotten far too used to being ignored, avoided, or even blocked by the people I care deeply about. To anyone who has demolished me from their life, I have something that I would like to say:
I am so incredibly sorry. It breaks my heart knowing that my existence in your life was disgusting enough for you to discard of me forever. I wish I could stop pestering everyone, including myself with my presence. Whether you want this or not, I'll never forget you. I love you, I always have, and unlike you, I actually can say with absolutely no doubt that I always will.

Raw Emotion Behind Music

I live by music. This actually really sucks at times. For the most part, any song that came out before May 12, 2010 reminds me of my life before the accident. Somehow music ruptures my soul in that case, by saying "your life was so, so great then and now you can't stand yourself." It's yet one more thing that is completely beyond my control. There are also some songs that sing about the past, that ache. Those that describe people leaving touch me especially. Because for me, it's not just one person, not even one group of friends, but everyone that left me.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me. I miss the taste of a sweeter life; I miss the conversation. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while. I like to think that we had it all. We drew a map to a better place. But on that road I took a fall, oh baby, why did you run away? Even though going on with you gone still upsets me, there are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay. But that's not what gets me. What hurts the most is being so close. I was there for you in your darkest times, I was there for you in your darkest nights. And having so much to say, and watching you walk away; never knowing what could have been. But I wonder where were you? When I was at my worst, down on my knees, and you said you had my back, so I wonder where were you? While you couldn't see that loving you was all that I was trying to do. It's hard to deal with the pain of loosing you everywhere I go, but I'm doing it. I hear your voice in my sleep at night, hard to resist temptation, 'cause something strange has come over me. And now I can't get over you. No, I just can't get over you. It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this pain. But I know if I could do it over, I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken. What hurts the most is being so close. I was there for you in your darkest times, I was there for you in your darkest nights. And having so much to say, and watching you walk away, never knowing what could have been.  While you couldn't see that loving you was all that I was trying to do.
Like I said in a couple posts ago, I realize now that I was just a jerk. I realize that I am the most annoying frickin' person when you meet me now. But that doesn't change the fact that all I ever try to do, is love you. All of you. It so often feels like I socially did die. Yet at the same time I have to continue living with myself every stinking day.

Seattle, 21, and Bobbie Lee

I went out to Seattle couple weekends ago to see my brother, Nathan, his family and Brian Regan.

My nephew, Gus and I

Even though I only got to stay there Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday morning, it was still a lot of fun. I love my nieces and nephew so stinking much.They had fun playing with their Aunty Shanny, and I with them. The other thing that really impacted me a lot on this trip was my brother. My mom has been sending emails to my family after neuropsychologist sessions explaining some of the things that she has learned about traumatic brain injuries. It meant a lot to me to see how much my brother had been reading them and really tried to apply all of these things to his interactions with me. For example, when I get too fatigued very quickly, he realized that it was simply because I didn't have the resources to deal with everything going on. What a difference this made in my relationship with him! On Saturday evening, we had the opportunity to go see Brian Regan. Of course, I couldn't go see him and not actually see him, like backstage. So I worked it out with his secretary to see him for literally like 2 minutes sometime before the show, because he had to leave right after the show. When I did get the opportunity to see him, I felt so bad for him! He looked exhausted! He had been traveling constantly all around the country for the past several weeks without a break so I was glad that he got to go straight home after this show and take a break for like a week!
     The funny thing about all of this though, is that of all of that, probably none of that was even my favorite part of the trip. My favorite part was quite possibly getting off of the plane in Seattle and helping a sweet gentleman named Bobbie Lee. He got on the plane during the time that someone who might need a little extra time or something would get on, which is also when I got on the plane. Bobbie Lee had a walker and some luggage on his walker, so when he got to the plane, the attendants had him leave his walker and wanted him to take his luggage, but he was unable to take his luggage as well as walk without his walker. So I stepped up and grabbed all of his bags. One of the ladies asked if we were traveling together and I said no, but I helped this older veteran back to his seat and put his bags in the appropriate places.
     The next little piece of the story is awesome. It's something that I felt like actually defined me, and was FINALLY a 21-year-old experience. The ladies are going through the plane serving drinks during the flight and one asks me what I would like. I look up and she recognized me. She said something to the effect of "oh, you're that sweet girl who helped that sweet gentleman! Are you 21?" "Yeah." "Can I buy you a drink?" "Oh, no, I'm okay" "Oh I'm sorry, are you not allowed to drink?" This is where I feel like it was defining. Because yeah, I could say no, I'm not. I grew up in a church that says absolutely no alcohol. But no, I chose the religion, I choose the actions, I make the choices every single day to stay true to what I believe in. Yes, I believe that alcohol is bad for you. Yes, my parents agree, but does that mean that when I am traveling on my own that I would be unable to drink, especially if it was purchased for me? Absolutely not! So I told her that I can drink, but that I just genuinely did not want anything.
     When I got off the plane, I made sure to wait until most everyone was off so that I could make sure that Bobbie Lee was well taken care of. I took his bags back to his walker and we walked out of the plane together where he then tried to call someone. That person didn't answer, and he knew he needed to get his bags and get a taxi so I decided that I would personally assist him. Somewhere along this point Nathan called me, and tried to give me multiple directions, I told him that I couldn't compute that many things, especially when I was trying to help someone else, so I would call him when I got to a certain point. This is one of those times when I saw him take in what my mom has emailed to my family. Back to Bobbie Lee. So we followed the signs to baggage claim and picked up his bag. Then we went towards the taxi place and Nathan came and ran into us! :) We dropped Bobbie Lee off at the taxi place, hoping that where he was headed knew he was coming, and we hopped on a train that took us to Nate's car then to his house.
     I felt so great. And I realized how much I need to just be in constant service. Forget about me, forget about all the pain, struggles and challenges I have to deal with, and just serve. That's the best part for me. It's how I survived before the accident (without consciously recognizing it until recently) and it's how I plan on living now.

No Longer the Victim

A lot has been turning in the little head of mine. About 2 weeks ago, I read through my old journal and it got me thinking about this pain I've been feeling for the last 4 years.

     Because of the situation I was thrown into right after my accident, I was unable to do a lot of things that I expected myself to do. I expected myself to be the life of the party, I expected myself to be the same good listening ear that I had become for dozens of people. But that was all inside; on the outside, I was dealing with so much pain, so much frustration, so much loss that my traumatically-injured-brain couldn't listen to anyone else. I literally was unable to be the person I was before, but I couldn't see it. From my single-eyed, and injured view, I thought I was the exact same person but that all my friends were treating me differently. So I got angry. (Or so I assume, I can't actually remember any of this.) I'm not trying to blame the TBI (traumatic brain injury) for everything that I did, but I'm hoping that through the explanation of it, maybe you'll be able to understand. After the TBI, I wasn't aware of how angry or how just straight up mean I was to people - quite frankly, I'm still not. Especially as friends started to fade away, I got feisty. I have been left alone for many important events in my life; I thought that it was all your fault. This was absolutely wrong. For this, to everyone who associated with me after the accident - anytime really, even now (but we'll get to more of it later) - I am sorry. I could not see what kind of person I was, no matter how many times my mom told me, not until now. I wasn't able to understand why you were being pushed out of my life. Now that I have a much clearer view, I am sorry, and I beg for your forgiveness.

     To all of the friends I tried to make after the accident, I tried my very hardest not to, but I still had expectations for what a friend should be. The worst part about this was that I desperately needed and expected a friend based on what I had known in the past. For a couple of reasons; first, because I didn't get to triumph out of high school like everyone else, or even just leave with all of your friends to say "see you around." Because of what I have been through, I didn't get that. I also expected a friend to be the kind of friend that I was - which is extremely rare. I had always been the kind of person that would sit and listen, that would psych you up if that's what you needed, I was the kind of friend that everyone desires. Because I had been that person, I had a skewed perception of the world; I thought all people thought that way. Oh how I was so wrong! Especially between high-school and young adult ages. Before my accident, I never talked to anyone else about MY problems, MY issues, but somehow afterwards, I thought that other people would treat me the way I had treated others. As all of my friends and I drifted apart, I couldn't figure out why you never messaged me, or reached out to me or anything, especially if I was doing that to you. I have not yet experienced the difference between co-worker/college relationships and high school relationships. For all of that, I am so sorry.

     Coming to this realization, learning that what used to make me whole was helping others, listening to their issues and helping them through it, and seeing how it was done before, I'm on my way to returning to that kind of a person. I'm not saying that it will happen overnight and that it won't take time, because I know it will. But I'm asking you, whoever you are, and anyone I have yet to meet, to be patient. I am trying my best to stop trying to interject myself into things that you tell me about, if you'll tell me about anything anymore. I AM NOT BLAMING YOU, I know it sounds like I am. If you can trust me, then trust that I am only trying to come to terms with my own terrible behavior. I want to become more like the person I was before. I want to have that selfless attitude in all of my actions with my fellow men. I am trying to do this. However, because of the TBI things get overwhelming and I get maxed out much, much easier. So I will tell you right now that during times when there are a lot of stressors in my life, I will not, because I cannot be so great at forgetting about myself. So please, accept this apology, and give me another chance, you know I would.

     There are some things that were not taken from me in the accident. One of those things is my true endearing love for each one of you. I will not be the victim in my own destiny. Yes, I went through a horrible tragedy; yes, it shattered my whole world. It shattered my world because it took away skills, abilities, and understandings. But quite frankly, I'm tired of being angry and depressed. I love you too much to hate you and want you out of my life for good. I don't remember a whole lot of what has happened, regardless of how aware or "with-it" I seemed. So please forgive me for everything I have ever done. Please give me another chance to be the amazing friend you know that I can be. 

Depressing 21st Birthday

I need to say first and foremost that this post is NOT written to any of my family. I actually was writing songs on the guitar and started a different train of thought, which turned into a letter to all of my peers.
     When you turned 16, I told you to go out and live like a 16-year-old should live. I told you to stop worrying about me (still being 15) and feel free to date and drive and do all the fun things a sophomore in high school should do.
     When you won state or defeated a ruthless opponent, I cheered. I lifted you up and helped you feel like you were on top of the world.
     When you turned 18, I snuck balloons throughout your yard, with your positive traits inside each. I encouraged you to live life as a new adult.
    When you entered your senior year of high school, I told you I'd always be there, even though I would be living on a University campus. I told you I'd show you the ropes when you came walking through college. I was there for all of your big moments.
     I convinced you that this life was worth it, no matter how bad it got. I stopped you from doing things you would have regretted. I prevented you from taking your own life.
    When your parents got divorced, I stood by you through every step of the way. I hung out with you all day, every single day.
     When you had to get surgery done, or wear a brace, I was there to listen.
     When you had your heart broken by some boy or girl, I took you out to lunch, I reminded you how special you are.
     When I noticed you were alone, I introduced you to loads of my friends and you became an instant hit. I was there for all of your heartaches.
     In my biggest tragedy, pain, heartache, you LEFT me. For my 21st birthday, I won't have anyone pulling me on, I won't have anyone telling me all of the things I can or should do now. Because of my big heart, I get no love in return. Because of the way I loved you, I have to do this all alone. So Happy 21st Shannon. Go party... oh wait, nevermind, go hang out with.... nevermind, go... continue on, in more surgeries or whatever.

The Other Reason to be Excited for Surgery

     Have you ever though that just sitting, thinking could be your worst nightmare? Better yet, what about just doing nothing? Well, it sure is mine. After a traumatic brain injury, your mind never stops, so you can't sit and just "do nothing" anymore, you are constantly thinking. But even better, your brain also gets stuck in a very negative mindset - one that is near impossible to breakthrough.
     I honestly don't know anything that goes on with any of my old friends anymore. I went to an old friend's homecoming last week and saw a bunch of my old friends there. They were talking about this person or that who had gotten home from their mission, who were across the country with their newlywed, about old girl-friends who were expecting, etc. All of these things I have absolutely not a clue. It is terrible. I worked so stinking hard for so long to earn a solid place in their hearts, to consider myself their friend for life. All to discover that I could be replaced or not even missed.
     I thought that moving into my own apartment would be a good opportunity to get to know peers and meet some new friends, but it turned out to have the opposite effect. I don't mean to be so pessimistic all the time, I really don't.

Window of Desperation

The saying that says something along the lines of 'eyes are the window to the soul' is so true. I can quite honestly see the emotions behind someone's facade. Today I especially noticed the pain in my eyes as the rest of me looked fun, cute, and bubbly. This caused me to question how long I have been able to do this, because today, it was like an elephant in the room. So I looked at pictures from earlier this year.  

 In every single one of these pictures, I see the same message, even through the different expressions. Not through my face at all, but deep in my eyes, I see pain, struggle, a lot of work, and desperation for acceptance.

A Little Piece Into My Thoughts

     I'm sorry to disappoint, but this post will not be as upbeat as the last one was. This is why I'm so terrified of showing success, because in moments of regression - which we all have, mine are just amplified by 50 - I fear people will see the lack of progress and give up on me, therefore abandon me all over again.
     First, I should talk about the anniversary for just a minute. I figured that the anniversary would be similar to how most people celebrate their birthdays; that is you live life like a normal day until some time in the evening when you celebrate with family and/or friends. Oh, how I was so, so wrong. The entire day, from the moment I left my apartment (which was after I wrote my blogpost), everything I saw, walked into, walked around, or did was a reminder of how my life should have been. It was a reminder of how my life would have been. Everything was dreadfully painful, from seeing a group of friends talking at the school, to dodging a runner running around campus. And the worst part of all of this is that I had to do it all alone. My parents and Tonya came down and took me to dinner later on, but I was still in the mode of wearing my "brave face." It was one of the emotionally hardest days.
     As I've continually tried to talk to the few people who will talk to me, life has been consistently rough. I don't understand why people go in spurts of talking to me, and then they want absolutely nothing to do with me for weeks. I don't understand why I have turned peers (I'm talking about people I've met since the accident) away from me so dramatically. I do know that anytime I try to reach out to old friends, they treat me like I'm that weird kid with coke-bottle glasses that no one liked from high school but everyone just kind of put up with. I know that it feels miserable, having earned my place in their lives, whether it be from skill, hard work, true friendship, listening, time, or whatever, I earned a large place in a lot of their hearts, and now, not a single one of them even give a dang about whether I even exist anymore. It just feels awesome. It is devastating to think back to all of the fun, funny, bizarre, embarrassing, etc memories that I shared with them and know that they will never think about me being in those good times.
     Overall, moving out has been harder in different ways that I would've imagined. It's been a really hard month and there really is nothing that I can do about it.

Happy 4 Years

It's that time of year again! It's the time when school comes to an end, college kids move home, and it's time just to enjoy summer. Well, that's what it is for most people. I, however, am not most people. Let's start from the top.

I decided to take 2 college classes (this is a big deal because as of yet, I have only been able to take one college course at a time) for summer semester. Oh wait, not just summer semester, but the first BLOCK of summer semester. "But then you'll have a fun 2nd half of summer, right?" I've heard 100 times. Not exactly but I'll get to that later. Oh, and even better, everyone loves the academic class that I decided to take. Yes, I decided to take this class; Physics. This class meets for two hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. :) Then my other class meets for two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Although this class should be a whole heck of a lot of fun, I'm pretty terrified about it, because I have not taken a PE course since the accident. This class is hip hop dance!! So I have a feeling I will have to become very, very good friends with my professors. :) But, hey, that's nothing I can't handle, I've done that 100 times before!

Okay, now let's talk about how I am not a college kid that moves home. No,

we're not just talking about the fact that I've stayed under my dear, sweet, loving parents care since the accident so I would not be coming home. We're talking I moved out, a week ago. It's a scary thing, but it's also a very good thing. It's a great way to gain some independence. I moved to Orem, so I'm only like 20 minutes away from home. This is a good stepping stone. On the side is a picture of my bed at my new apartment. Yes, cousins, that is my "better-than-a-boyfriend-blanket" draped over the top!

Today marks a very life-changing day in my life. I don't know about you, but exactly 4 years ago, at 8:17 AM I was an entirely different person. I knew what I wanted in life. I knew what my life could be and what it could offer me if I would offer something to it. But what I didn't know is that I would be having quality time with my big sister later that day, and it would shatter absolutely everything I knew and everything I was. I have always had interesting struggles growing up with the family that I have. (In case you don't know, I have two sisters with disabilities.) I have had to mature quickly. I have had to mature even more quickly given the circumstances I was thrown into when I was 16, exactly 4 years ago today. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the way the world works, the way that people think, etc. Now I realize that I don't have a clue now, and I sure as heck didn't have a clue then. I still am baffled as to why all of my friends abandoned me in my time of need, indicating that I have no idea how their minds work. But, as time moves on, and people move forward, it doesn't matter how much you got robbed of the past or how much you want to stay right where you are. Because people move on with or without you, life changes whether you like it or not, and the sooner you learn to roll with the punches the better off you will be. To anyone hurting with someone who has had a brain injury, encourage them to stop looking back. They will get mad at you, I can almost guarantee it, because for someone with a traumatic brain injury, yes, that is pretty much impossible. But once you get to the point where you can stop comparing yourself to who you were before, (don't get me wrong, I am NOT there yet) I assume life would get so much easier.  But to show you that I am doing my best to put the accident where it belongs and let myself be a new, different and maybe better me, I'm including a picture that I took this morning. This time I will ask the question, which do you like better, short hair or long hair?

Finally, I should update you on the last little piece of news that I got this past week. I get to go in for my 9th surgery - on my head - on July 16th. This surgery is kind of the "fine-tuning" of the last reconstructive. And if you're like everyone I've talked to, you're asking, "Didn't they say the last surgery was going to be your last surgery?" So I just need to clear that up, no, they did not say that. I said that. I wanted it to be the last surgery. But I'm okay with this surgery too. Other than the fact that my surgeon said that this surgery should be more painful than any other surgery I've been through. And that after every surgery I get more and more tolerant to heaver pain medications. So even though this is supposed to be an outpatient surgery, I kind of figure that I'll be in the hospital for longer begging for more intense pain drugs. 

Another Boring Update

Where do we start? I have been on an emotional roller-coaster ever since the accident. Sometimes that roller-coaster is really, really low; sometimes I cannot focus on anything except the past. This is part of the TBI. This is part of the extreme trauma that I went through nearly 4 years ago. Fortunately, we have made some headway with MORE new doctors we have put on board recently. I am also going to return to school for the first block of summer semester. With that I am moving into an apartment of my own. Hopefully this is in preparation for a much larger move in the fall. I don't know what else to say. This is probably why I haven't posted in so long. I have started a "one-on-one 'tutoring'" service on youtube; when I am emailed a question (right now only by my nieces) I figure it out for them on video. This is a link to my channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClzUohViVFqgivMwsxFyubQ I have started a lot of other things again, but don't manage to be very successful at completing them. So, that's about all that I have for today I think. Please, if anyone reads anymore, ask questions, what you would expect to find on a 4-year-post-TBI blog. That's what the comments section is for!! :)

Not The Only One

I am not the only one who has ever been cornered
When suddenly God splits the sea
I am not the only one who has needed a Savior
And prayed for the one who could save me
I’m not the only one

I have never had water from the center of a stone
I have never tamed lions or lived in a whale
And the fiery furnace surrounding me now
Is only my doubts and my fears
But deep in a heart that is hurting, I still have to trust in the Lord
But the words of the ancients tell of a God who is
Stronger than kings, stronger than swords

I am not the only one who has ever been friendless
Or lost in a wilderness place
I am not the only one who’s been rescued by mercy
In exchange for my slivers of perfect faith
I’m not the only one

So many people changed by the truth through the ages of time
So many miracles amazing and new when I hear them for the thousandth time

I am not the only one who will worship my maker
On the day that I fall at His feet
I am not the only one who will cherish the heroes
Who lived all these stories that saved me
I am not the only one
I’m not the only one
I am not the only one who has needed a Savior
And prayed for the one who could save me
I’m not the only one
-Cherie Call :)

Memory of Past, Pain of Today, and Fear of Tomorrow

         In Junior High, I wrote a song that talked about breaking 3 hearts; the guy I liked, a guy who liked me and my own heart. I was distraught because I was hurting people who I loved and they were hurting me. When I wrote that song, I thought I was absolute scum because I had led the guy who liked me on, when I knew that I liked someone else.  In Junior High, I thought that a person couldn’t get much worse.

        Today I know differently. Today I haven’t hurt only three people I love, I’ve hurt virtually everyone. I have hurt every single one of my peers to the point of no return – meaning that they will not ever respond to my desperate cry for help. I have hurt all of my family, mostly by them trying so hard to help me, and I have never made it out of the sorrow that keeps pulling me down.  They see my pain, my heartache, my loss of hope, and they feel helpless.  

        With every past experience, you feel like nothing has ever been quite so bad. You can’t believe how much you are hurting, and you just want to express that it is worse than anything else. Of course, you don’t know what lays ahead, the pain that may await you in the future. The more experiences you have, the more you can put your own life in perspective. I just hope that nothing even worse than this waits for me ahead. As soon as I get out of my hometown, make a fresh new start, clean from everyone I have ever known, hopefully, I’ll be able to be strong enough to start over, to have a decent life once again. 

TBI's under a microscope

Okay, so this is not my speech from November, in fact it's actually quite a bit different. But much of the same content is there. This is the research paper that I turned in for my English class at the end of the semester. When I copied it over to Google Drive a bunch of grammar and editing issues came up, I think that I fixed most of them, although I may not have. I probably will work on getting a finished edition of my speech up and loaded on the blog, however this is what I have for you at the moment. It is 10 pages long (without the works cited) so if you are going to read it, prepare yourself to sit down and read. Thanks for all of your support, and I know that I really need to report in on what the crap I have been doing as of late, I will. But as for right now, Happy Reading! 

To Shannon's Paper