What a Decade

You only get one monumentally phrased anniversary – the decade. About 8 months ago when my rapid transformation started, I was ready to acknowledge this day with both solemnity and enthusiasm. However, as chaos emerged, progress slowed and as the impending arrival of this day got closer, I became more and more apathetic. I’ve pictured this day very, very different many times. While I’m not where I wish I was (emotionally), I believe it would be thoughtless not to offer 10 things I’ve learned throughout this painful journey. Although I could say so much about brain injuries, I’ve picked 10 things that are vital to everyone.

1.        Most importantly, make Jesus Christ the center of your life, whatever that looks like for you.

2.       Family not only makes the best of friends, love you unconditionally, are the most important, but are also the only ones that matter. However, family doesn’t always mean by blood.

3.       Gratitude can physically heal the soul. So, be grateful in everything; find something to be grateful for everyday and record it in a journal.

4.       Laughter is the best medicine. Oh, and Brian Regan is a pretty awesome, genuine guy! 😉

5.       We were sent to the Earth as members of a society for a reason. Connection is something that we all need and we should treat it with great respect.

6.       True happiness is possibly the greatest gift we have, when we can find it. Don’t take it for granted for even a second.

7.       The music that you listen to literally affects how your brain is wired; so, listening to good, uplifting music should be a necessity.

8.       Honesty is key to salvation… and a quality friendship. Always be authentic, unapologetically.

9.       Sleep. Need I say more?

10.   Put first things first; when you can’t move forward, sometimes it’s because you need to heal the past. Grief is a normal emotion that needs to be gone through, even though it can be grueling.

To conclude the first decade of my recovery, I know I have a purpose, but I have no idea what it is. There is simply no other explanation for me having gone through everything that I’ve gone through and being where I’m at today. I felt a strong conviction that I asked God for the chance to return so I could testify of His Son, Jesus Christ; His life, His love, and His power. I know that He lives, He loves us infinitely and incomprehensibly and through that love, He allows us to access His power to move mountains.  

Dissociative Brain Trauma

A lot of growth has happened in me over the last few months. I’m learning to take responsibility for the way that my PTSD and TBI affect me. I’m beginning to look inward and can distinguish Shannon from the TBI, although most of the time they morph and coexist.

The other day I was driving home and as usual thinking quite introspectively. I began to wonder if all the recent extreme TBI-take-over was potentially due to the increased feelings of loneliness. Loneliness because it feels similar to abandonment, which is the absolute biggest PTSD trigger for me. As I continued to ponder, I realized how critical affirmation and validation is for me. That is what I typically define as someone who “loves” me – one who offers me affirmation and validation. Because of all the immediate post-accident trauma, I am extremely sensitive to the mere thought of people leaving me. I become overly emotional and exceptionally irrational. That is so unlike me, especially when I become impulsive, destructive, volatile, and my usual thoughts are not the same. So I asked myself, “What is this? Why does it happen? Is it some sort of PTSD-on-steroids?” etc. After much more personal deliberation, I came to understand why TBIs can get misdiagnosed for literally every mood/personality disorder in the books. When a series of PTSD triggers occur, I unknowingly begin to dissociate. The evil nature of the TBI takes over trying to “protect me from getting hurt again” by pushing everyone away, by any means possible. It doesn’t make any sense, but that’s what these disorders do. Dissociation is another “identity” or part of oneself that reacts to trauma. 

I hadn't thought about how difficult it would be for someone to understand the "switch of personalities" until one of my friends mentioned that a movie helped her understand me better. The movie Split - a relatively new movie about Dissociative Identity Disorder - helped her understand an injury better? It didn't make sense when she first told me. Mckenna proceeded to tell me that the background given in the movie supported the idea that there are times that the 'core person' has no control over their body. Which therefore backed my claims when "the TBI had full control." I can tell you that yes, the dissociation is a real thing. 

However, just because I dissociate and “become the TBI” for a time absolutely does not excuse my behavior. I struggle with the consequences of the Traumatic Brain Injury far more than anyone could ever imagine. This includes picking up the pieces when I do dissociate. Despite the fact, I try to suppress my impulses daily. I try to stick to who I am inside but, like I mentioned above, the altered persona derived from the accident and subsequent trauma can often create deluded thoughts that do not align with my true self. I sometimes portray a 'victim complex.' I OFTEN times become clingy, annoying and want someone's full attention despite life. I am aware of this, have been for a while, but had/have no idea how to fix it. The difference now however is that I can name it. I can call it for what it is and hopefully remove myself (the real me) from it - even if it's only for a short period of time. Surprisingly, even throughout the Riley stage, I hadn't put together the pieces of the dissociation puzzle. I hope that moving forward, I can explain this new insight to others. Then perhaps people can continue to be there after I have a dissociative episode; which would create more growth, progress and less feelings of abandonment.