When my parents fist started this blog, the purpose was originally to update loved ones
of my status and progress. Since I have taken it over, my purpose has been to inform the
world of the day-to-day struggles of a TBI, through the eyes of someone who has one. Today, I am
going to tell you about a realization I recently came to that will, hopefully, give insights into my behavior, and potentially others who suffer with a severe traumatic brain injury. Let
me start off with a very brief recap.
Ten years ago in May, I was involved in a very
serious accident that should have taken my life for good. I was in a coma for 2
weeks - most medical professionals thought that I would not survive, but if I did I would have severe deficits in functional areas. I was diagnosed with the most severe kind of traumatic brain injury, evidenced by both Diffuse Axonal Injury and Subarachnoid Hemorrhage.
Because of the trauma to the brain, I had to learn how to do everything again
– from breathing, walking, talking to eating, swallowing, crawling, balancing,
etc. Everything was taken from me, not just physically, but also functionally in areas such as academic connections, social inhibitors, social filters, consequential connections, and so many
others.
Neurons cannot regenerate; brain cells do not produce
more when some get lost unlike every other organ in the body. The way the brain heals is through neuroplasticity or building new connections. This means it takes
me a lot longer to process the same information or movements as it did before,
because my brain has to form and navigate different pathways. There are so very many things
that I still struggle with and things that I will likely struggle with for the
rest of my life. I often times feel like there are two separate entities
within me, one is the traumatic brain injury (TBI) and the other is Shannon. It is a
constant battle to govern the TBI and let Shannon come through. This is my new realization -- that there is something else inside of me, making it impossible for me to function normally at times. This is a very real part of me and it is something that needs to be acknowledged. In order for my true self to shine forth, I must learn to combat and overcome the effects of the TBI. But please understand that this is an extremely challenging, uphill battle so Shannon deserves a LOT of credit.
Given this information, when someone looks at me,
the kind of person they see depends on who is in control of my body at the moment.
When Shannon is in control, everyone sees that I am a very sweet, loving
person who is selfless, kind and extremely forgiving. I love unconditionally, but when the TBI is in control, those characteristics are overwhelmed by anger and frustration. Why is there such discrepancy? Because the traumatic brain injury is fierce;
a monster that is hard to predict and hard to control. When I am in pain, the
TBI takes over, when I am overly fatigued, the TBI takes over, often the TBI
takes over for no reason at all, and it takes more energy than I have to restrain or mitigate
it. The TBI does not care about anyone else; the TBI is extremely moody and
intolerant. The TBI is impulsive (I never would have believed that I would say that 10 years ago!) The TBI is irritable and gets pissed over the smallest things. However,
the people who know me, Shannon, know that I am NOT the TBI and they know that
I am a chosen daughter of God who fights the TBI on a constant basis. Although I do a better job at combating the TBI now than I used to, it is still a constant struggle for me and there are still times that I can't control it at all.
The TBI took away my ability to look at situations
and see the consequences. For a long time after the accident (about 2 years) my
brain was not willing to accept that anything had changed despite everything
being much more difficult. Because of that, I, my literal brain, was extremely
angry, ALL THE TIME! So I lashed out at anything and everything for a large portion of those 2 years. I cannot remember much of that time at all. But I
have been told that I was extremely rude, needy, and just down-right cruel. During
the first few weeks after I got out of the hospital, I literally lost every
single one of my peer relationships due to this behavior. Of course, I as
Shannon would never comprehend any of the things that I must have done. But
because my body, through the TBI did them, none of those relationships will ever
recover.
This is by far one of the saddest, most devastating
effects of the TBI -- at the precise time when the person suffering from a TBI needs love, understanding and friendship, the negative effects of the TBI pushes people away. Amazingly, the majority of the population
doesn’t even know how devastating a traumatic brain injury can be even though according to latest
statistics (2018) there are 69 million new TBIs
globally each year. The main thing I can do to increase the positivity with which
people view me, is to continue to fight the TBI with all my might every single
day. I educate people in whatever fashion I can on brain injuries, but it never
seems to be enough. I act so different when the TBI takes control that I am a
different person. People have a difficult time believing that the real me is remorseful
of the actions “I” am taking when the TBI takes control. I hope that this post will allow people to recognize
that those with Traumatic Brain Injuries are not bad people; they are likely really good people; their brains are just trying to grieve the hardest
loss that anyone will ever have to face.
Let it Be Known Fatigue Initial Separation of Self Riley Long Journey Going Home You are Blessed Only Bits Me Friends Negativity Initiation Continuing Trauma Resources Unhappy PTRD Depression
